Please don't let my lack of reciprocation or seeking push you away. All of my deepest wounds are based in rejection. Every time I reach out, ask for help or even vaguely position myself to need you, I open myself up to be hurt again in the way that for me defines what it means to hurt. So as I lay in bed, wired on the coffee I drank so that I would have enough alertness to enjoy time with my wife and two close friends, I realize that I desperately try to position myself to not need anyone and continually fail miserably at it.
Though I am unworthy of you, I need you. Though I push you away, I need you. Though I don't give you the credit you deserve and argue with you when you try to bring me truth, I need you. Though I disqualify you in my mind as I find any flaw at all with your logic, attitude or execution of your motives, I need you.
I am not Uncle Sam, and I don't just want you, I need you. I won't make it without you. If you are a follower of Christ and God placed you in my life, I need you. You are God's grace to me, and I desperately need you.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
When What I Know Wrestles with My Deepest Fear
I had a conversation with my wife late last week that was largely about how I was doing in regards to being depressed. I've been struggling a lot lately. The following thoughts were the result of that conversation.
In John 6, Jesus reaches a pretty critical turning point in His ministry. Up until this chapter, everything is about drawing people in. At this point, He calls many of His disciples out on just wanting to see signs and goes so far as to say that they only believe because He filled their bellies. He made their lives more physically comfortable so they think that He will continue to do things for them. Even as He tries to turn their vision to something greater, they ask for a sign as proof of this greater thing. His desire to know each and every one of them intimately becomes obvious. He is pained by their desire to try to squeeze Him into theold current system.
It is obvious to those of us with the privilege of hindsight and the context of His ultimate sacrifice on the cross. Was it really so obvious for them though? I don't think it was at all. Even His disciples that had been following him for awhile said that it was a hard teaching. Translation= "What the heck is He talking about?" Most of them ended up turning away. Then the moment that defines this chapter for me occurs. Jesus turns to the twelve and asks if they are going to leave as well. Peter basically says, "There is no where else to go. You are the only game in town. We know that You are the Son of God."
I'm sure that whatever God is trying to teach me is painfully obvious to some of those around me, but to me it feels like being asked to be a cannibal. What do You really want, God? I just don't get it. I can't see the truth. Is this something that will make sense later as I'm sure this message did for the apostles after the resurrection? Or maybe this is all about just hanging on? Whatever the case, I have one comfort.
Just like the twelve, I know He is God. Where else will I go? Only He has the words of eternal life. Maybe that is enough. This chapter also says that He knows those that the Father has given Him and that they could only come to Him if granted it from the Father. What disturbs me is what follows.
He says that He Himself chose them, and yet one of them was a devil. He chose one that He knew would betray Him. It terrifies me that not all that are granted sight to know that He is God end up in His arms.
I don't have hindsight or eternal context for my present situation. How do I know that I am not one of the vessels that will be used up then thrown away? God would be perfectly just in making a creation to serve His other creations and then dispose of it. There would be nothing wrong with this He is God. He can do whatever He wants and it is automatically good. I guess what I am saying is that I am confronting the deepest of my fears. How do I know that He really loves me as His son? How do I know that is really what I am to Him? How do I know that He isn't just tolerating me for a time?
Regardless of my fears or feelings, I have only one choice--hang on or let go. That's not even a choice for me. I hang on. I wait. I hope for something better. I hope for all the things that just seem too good to be true about His love for me. I hope.
In John 6, Jesus reaches a pretty critical turning point in His ministry. Up until this chapter, everything is about drawing people in. At this point, He calls many of His disciples out on just wanting to see signs and goes so far as to say that they only believe because He filled their bellies. He made their lives more physically comfortable so they think that He will continue to do things for them. Even as He tries to turn their vision to something greater, they ask for a sign as proof of this greater thing. His desire to know each and every one of them intimately becomes obvious. He is pained by their desire to try to squeeze Him into the
It is obvious to those of us with the privilege of hindsight and the context of His ultimate sacrifice on the cross. Was it really so obvious for them though? I don't think it was at all. Even His disciples that had been following him for awhile said that it was a hard teaching. Translation= "What the heck is He talking about?" Most of them ended up turning away. Then the moment that defines this chapter for me occurs. Jesus turns to the twelve and asks if they are going to leave as well. Peter basically says, "There is no where else to go. You are the only game in town. We know that You are the Son of God."
I'm sure that whatever God is trying to teach me is painfully obvious to some of those around me, but to me it feels like being asked to be a cannibal. What do You really want, God? I just don't get it. I can't see the truth. Is this something that will make sense later as I'm sure this message did for the apostles after the resurrection? Or maybe this is all about just hanging on? Whatever the case, I have one comfort.
Just like the twelve, I know He is God. Where else will I go? Only He has the words of eternal life. Maybe that is enough. This chapter also says that He knows those that the Father has given Him and that they could only come to Him if granted it from the Father. What disturbs me is what follows.
He says that He Himself chose them, and yet one of them was a devil. He chose one that He knew would betray Him. It terrifies me that not all that are granted sight to know that He is God end up in His arms.
I don't have hindsight or eternal context for my present situation. How do I know that I am not one of the vessels that will be used up then thrown away? God would be perfectly just in making a creation to serve His other creations and then dispose of it. There would be nothing wrong with this He is God. He can do whatever He wants and it is automatically good. I guess what I am saying is that I am confronting the deepest of my fears. How do I know that He really loves me as His son? How do I know that is really what I am to Him? How do I know that He isn't just tolerating me for a time?
Regardless of my fears or feelings, I have only one choice--hang on or let go. That's not even a choice for me. I hang on. I wait. I hope for something better. I hope for all the things that just seem too good to be true about His love for me. I hope.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
On Performance
"And what about you, Arvyl?" Justin asked. "What do you make of--"
He stopped midsentence. Ronin followed his gaze and saw that two children, a boy and a girl, crouched at the edge of the clearing, peering past a berry bush at the three warriors.
They were looking at Justin, of course. They always looked at Justin. Children were always captivated by him. These two looked like twins, blond hair and big eyes, about ten, far too young to have wandered so far from home at a time like this.
Then again, he hardly blamed their curiosity. When had such a battle come so close to them?
Justin had already slipped into another world, Ronin thought with a single glance. Children did this to him. He was no longer the warrior. He was their father, no matter who the children were. His eyes sparkled and his face lit up. At times Ronin wondered if Justin wouldn't trade his life to become a child again, to swing in the trees and roll in the meadows.
This love for children confused Ronin more than any other trait of Justin's. Some said that Justin was a druid. And it was commonly known that druids could deceive the innocent with a few soft words. Ronin had a difficult time separating Justin's effect on children from the speculation that he wasn't who he seemed.
"Hello there, " Justin said.
Both children ducked behind the bush.
Justin slid from his horse and hurried toward the bush. "No, no, please come out. Come out, I need your advice." He stopped and knelt on one knee.
"My advice?" the boy asked, poking his head up.
A hand gripped his shirt and pulled him back. The girl wasn't so brave.
"Your advice. It's about today's battle."
They whispered urgently, then finally came out, the boy boldly, the girl cautiously. Ronin saw that they each carried a wooden sword. The girl was shorter and her left hand was bent backward at an awkward angle. Deformed.
Justin's eyes lowered to the girl's hand, then up to her face. For a moment he seemed trapped by the sight. A bird sang in the tree above them.
"My name is Justin, and I..." He sat down and crossed his legs in one movement. "What are your names?"
"Billy and Lucy," the boy said.
"Well, Billy and Lucy, you are two of the bravest children I have ever known."
The boy's eyes brightened.
"And the most beautiful," he said.
The girl shifted on her feet.
"My friends here, Ronin and Arvyl, aren't convinced that I can single-handedly bring the Horde to its knees. I have to decide, and I think that you might be able to give me some direction. Look in my eyes and tell me. What do you think? Should I take on the Horde?"
Billy looked at Ronin, at a loss. The girl answered first.
"Yes," she said.
"Yes," the boy said. "Of course."
"Yes!" You hear that, Ronin? Give me ten warriors who believe like these two and I would bring the entire Horde to its knees. Come here, Billy. I would like to shake the hand of the man who told me what grown men could not."
Justen stretched out his hand and Billy took it, beaming. Justin ruffled the boy's hair and whispered something that Ronin couldn't hear. But both of the children laughed.
"Lucy, come and let me kiss the hand of the most beautiful maiden in all the land."
She stepped forward and offered her good hand.
"Not that one. The other."
Her smile softened. Slowly she lowered her sword. Now both hands hung limp at her sides. Justin held her eyes.
"Don't be afraid," he said very quietly.
She lifted her crippled hand and Justin took it in both of his. He leaned over and kissed it lightly. Then he leaned forward and whispered into her ear.
He stopped midsentence. Ronin followed his gaze and saw that two children, a boy and a girl, crouched at the edge of the clearing, peering past a berry bush at the three warriors.
They were looking at Justin, of course. They always looked at Justin. Children were always captivated by him. These two looked like twins, blond hair and big eyes, about ten, far too young to have wandered so far from home at a time like this.
Then again, he hardly blamed their curiosity. When had such a battle come so close to them?
Justin had already slipped into another world, Ronin thought with a single glance. Children did this to him. He was no longer the warrior. He was their father, no matter who the children were. His eyes sparkled and his face lit up. At times Ronin wondered if Justin wouldn't trade his life to become a child again, to swing in the trees and roll in the meadows.
This love for children confused Ronin more than any other trait of Justin's. Some said that Justin was a druid. And it was commonly known that druids could deceive the innocent with a few soft words. Ronin had a difficult time separating Justin's effect on children from the speculation that he wasn't who he seemed.
"Hello there, " Justin said.
Both children ducked behind the bush.
Justin slid from his horse and hurried toward the bush. "No, no, please come out. Come out, I need your advice." He stopped and knelt on one knee.
"My advice?" the boy asked, poking his head up.
A hand gripped his shirt and pulled him back. The girl wasn't so brave.
"Your advice. It's about today's battle."
They whispered urgently, then finally came out, the boy boldly, the girl cautiously. Ronin saw that they each carried a wooden sword. The girl was shorter and her left hand was bent backward at an awkward angle. Deformed.
Justin's eyes lowered to the girl's hand, then up to her face. For a moment he seemed trapped by the sight. A bird sang in the tree above them.
"My name is Justin, and I..." He sat down and crossed his legs in one movement. "What are your names?"
"Billy and Lucy," the boy said.
"Well, Billy and Lucy, you are two of the bravest children I have ever known."
The boy's eyes brightened.
"And the most beautiful," he said.
The girl shifted on her feet.
"My friends here, Ronin and Arvyl, aren't convinced that I can single-handedly bring the Horde to its knees. I have to decide, and I think that you might be able to give me some direction. Look in my eyes and tell me. What do you think? Should I take on the Horde?"
Billy looked at Ronin, at a loss. The girl answered first.
"Yes," she said.
"Yes," the boy said. "Of course."
"Yes!" You hear that, Ronin? Give me ten warriors who believe like these two and I would bring the entire Horde to its knees. Come here, Billy. I would like to shake the hand of the man who told me what grown men could not."
Justen stretched out his hand and Billy took it, beaming. Justin ruffled the boy's hair and whispered something that Ronin couldn't hear. But both of the children laughed.
"Lucy, come and let me kiss the hand of the most beautiful maiden in all the land."
She stepped forward and offered her good hand.
"Not that one. The other."
Her smile softened. Slowly she lowered her sword. Now both hands hung limp at her sides. Justin held her eyes.
"Don't be afraid," he said very quietly.
She lifted her crippled hand and Justin took it in both of his. He leaned over and kissed it lightly. Then he leaned forward and whispered into her ear.
Wind and Lightning
Wind and spirit are the same word many places in scripture used so interchangeably that sometimes it is not known which one is meant. That God would associate Himself so closely with something so unseen and unpredictable is terribly hard for me to bear at times.
I have this image in my mind of a sailboat of old stranded in the middle of a windless ocean for days with its sailors with nothing to do but wait. Or row.
When God's spirit is not blowing in my life, I feel forsaken. I try to position myself better to catch whatever remains of the wind, but when even that goes still I give up. I eventually get so tired of the lack of activity that I start rowing. The biggest problem comes when I then distrust the wind due to its lack of predictability and choose to just row all the time instead of trying to catch the wind again when it comes back. I don't think God ever intended for us to be rowers in this context.
Lightning striking the earth is depicted as God sending down His answers to prayers in scripture. Pretty crazy when you start looking at just how often lightning strikes the earth on any given day. Is there really anything else more unpredictable than lightning? We know the situations that usually surround it (clouds blown in by the wind), but never its exact path. Just look at it. It's all jagged and erratic.
I struggle to accept the unpredictable nature of God. I am finding that it is nearly impossible to have a fulfilling relationship with someone so unpredictable. There seems to be only one way to make this happen--complete unwavering trust. I use the word trust instead of faith on purpose because it makes so much more sense to me and faith is one of those words that is just caked up with the gunk of dead religious experiences.
Trust is the path God has had me on for eleven years. It is the most basic of all tenets of following Him and I still struggle to make much progress with it. This much trust I am developing though, when I am weak, He is strong. When I go the wrong way, He isn't pissed. He is refusing to let me build a foundation on lies. He is placing me on the high place of truth at all costs and pains and He is doing it as gently as possible. He wants what is best for me way more than I want it for myself. Just like I love my son, He loves me. I must hold on to this one truth if I am to make it.
So, when I am struggling, does it show more trust to tell Him that I don't trust Him knowing that He'll understand or to try to launch out into something that I think is Him but to do so fearfully? I guess this question boils down to another question. Of motive and action, which is more important?
I have this image in my mind of a sailboat of old stranded in the middle of a windless ocean for days with its sailors with nothing to do but wait. Or row.
When God's spirit is not blowing in my life, I feel forsaken. I try to position myself better to catch whatever remains of the wind, but when even that goes still I give up. I eventually get so tired of the lack of activity that I start rowing. The biggest problem comes when I then distrust the wind due to its lack of predictability and choose to just row all the time instead of trying to catch the wind again when it comes back. I don't think God ever intended for us to be rowers in this context.
Lightning striking the earth is depicted as God sending down His answers to prayers in scripture. Pretty crazy when you start looking at just how often lightning strikes the earth on any given day. Is there really anything else more unpredictable than lightning? We know the situations that usually surround it (clouds blown in by the wind), but never its exact path. Just look at it. It's all jagged and erratic.
I struggle to accept the unpredictable nature of God. I am finding that it is nearly impossible to have a fulfilling relationship with someone so unpredictable. There seems to be only one way to make this happen--complete unwavering trust. I use the word trust instead of faith on purpose because it makes so much more sense to me and faith is one of those words that is just caked up with the gunk of dead religious experiences.
Trust is the path God has had me on for eleven years. It is the most basic of all tenets of following Him and I still struggle to make much progress with it. This much trust I am developing though, when I am weak, He is strong. When I go the wrong way, He isn't pissed. He is refusing to let me build a foundation on lies. He is placing me on the high place of truth at all costs and pains and He is doing it as gently as possible. He wants what is best for me way more than I want it for myself. Just like I love my son, He loves me. I must hold on to this one truth if I am to make it.
So, when I am struggling, does it show more trust to tell Him that I don't trust Him knowing that He'll understand or to try to launch out into something that I think is Him but to do so fearfully? I guess this question boils down to another question. Of motive and action, which is more important?
A Break in the Clouds
A dear brother texted me a word from God this week. It was something along the lines of the correlation between how he saw himself in relation to God and how that reflected on how he treated his son. He challenged me to allow myself to see God's view of me as the same as my view of Maz. He specifically said that God is amazed by me. This was hard for me to accept in that moment. I have always accepted the theology that God is a good Father, but my experience has been so removed from that. I have to admit that I have lived according to other beliefs. As I have struggled with my set of abandonment issues, me not being good enough has been at the center of it. Things like how I always let God down and slip into sin, how I just don't have that great of faith, and how I just can't perform like someone who is in love with Jesus should have been at the forefront of my thoughts.
Many times in the past week or two I have been amazed at my son and how his personality is developing. His own sense of humor is starting to emerge instead of just completely mirroring mine or Melissa's. I love it! The passion that I have to love him relentlessly and represent the love of a good father to him fuel me to never let a day go by without expressing my love to him and to let him know that he is special. Today, as we were walking in to my in-laws', I had one of those moments where he just said something so awesome to me that I welled up with love and actual amazement that my son is soooo stinkin, well, amazing!
I told him that I love him. I told him that I am so glad that I get to be his dad. I told him that I think he is just awesome and that being his dad is one of the best things in the whole world for me.
My brother's comment was quickened in my mind and heart at that moment. I almost started bawling right there. (One more moment where emotion that I would gladly have lived in for awhile was brought on in a moment that was not very conducive to it.) I pushed it down, but held on to the thought that God must love me at least that much.
I have known and tried desperately to hold to the belief that all this darkness and hurt coming to the surface recently was God revealing something that He wanted to rip out of my life and destroy. It's performance.
I am not a slave or a hired hand.
I AM A SON!
I got an answer to one of my why questions today. Why do I have such a passion to be a good father when so many other unfathered men end up being unfaithful dogs just spreading seed and moving on? I have a heart for my son because it is God's chosen portion of Himself that has been given to me. It is His reflection to me of who He is. I can trust this part of my heart because it is directly from Him. I can trust that even in my imperfect state, God's love for me is at least as strong as my love for my son.
My love for him is the purest and most selfless love that I personally know and understand. I don't think I ever really understood love until after he was born. Something amazing was born in my heart at the same time that he was born into this world.
I understand my son. I know when he is pushing the lines and when he is just being a kid. I am patient with him. I seek for opportunities to expand his knowledge of what is appropriate and what is over the line in all areas of life. Most of all, I just love him. I love to spend time just making him laugh because there is no greater sound in all the world to me than the delighted laughter of my son. (That is not hyperbole.) I love holding him close in a huge squeezy hug until he's like, "Alright, dad. Let me down."
That's what I am to God.
I am His son.
Many times in the past week or two I have been amazed at my son and how his personality is developing. His own sense of humor is starting to emerge instead of just completely mirroring mine or Melissa's. I love it! The passion that I have to love him relentlessly and represent the love of a good father to him fuel me to never let a day go by without expressing my love to him and to let him know that he is special. Today, as we were walking in to my in-laws', I had one of those moments where he just said something so awesome to me that I welled up with love and actual amazement that my son is soooo stinkin, well, amazing!
I told him that I love him. I told him that I am so glad that I get to be his dad. I told him that I think he is just awesome and that being his dad is one of the best things in the whole world for me.
My brother's comment was quickened in my mind and heart at that moment. I almost started bawling right there. (One more moment where emotion that I would gladly have lived in for awhile was brought on in a moment that was not very conducive to it.) I pushed it down, but held on to the thought that God must love me at least that much.
I have known and tried desperately to hold to the belief that all this darkness and hurt coming to the surface recently was God revealing something that He wanted to rip out of my life and destroy. It's performance.
I am not a slave or a hired hand.
I AM A SON!
I got an answer to one of my why questions today. Why do I have such a passion to be a good father when so many other unfathered men end up being unfaithful dogs just spreading seed and moving on? I have a heart for my son because it is God's chosen portion of Himself that has been given to me. It is His reflection to me of who He is. I can trust this part of my heart because it is directly from Him. I can trust that even in my imperfect state, God's love for me is at least as strong as my love for my son.
My love for him is the purest and most selfless love that I personally know and understand. I don't think I ever really understood love until after he was born. Something amazing was born in my heart at the same time that he was born into this world.
I understand my son. I know when he is pushing the lines and when he is just being a kid. I am patient with him. I seek for opportunities to expand his knowledge of what is appropriate and what is over the line in all areas of life. Most of all, I just love him. I love to spend time just making him laugh because there is no greater sound in all the world to me than the delighted laughter of my son. (That is not hyperbole.) I love holding him close in a huge squeezy hug until he's like, "Alright, dad. Let me down."
That's what I am to God.
I am His son.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Years Between
John 5
The Healing at Bethesda
1 After these things there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
2 Now there is in Jerusalem by the sheep gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew Bethesda, having five porticoes. 3 In these lay a multitude of those who were sick, blind, lame, and withered, [waiting for the moving of the waters; 4 for an angel of the Lord went down at certain seasons into the pool and stirred up the water; whoever then first, after the stirring up of the water, stepped in was made well from whatever disease with which he was afflicted.] 5 A man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he had already been a long time in that condition, He *said to him, “Do you wish to get well?” 7 The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” 8 Jesus *said to him, “Get up, pick up your pallet and walk.” 9 Immediately the man became well, and picked up his pallet and began to walk.
I wonder what a normal day looked like for the sick man during those thirty eight years. Do you think he thought that he would ever get healed? Obviously he had some hope because he kept trying and positioned himself so that it was at least a possibility. I wonder how many of those were just going through the motions. I wonder how many of those years contained any joy in the midst of suffering.
Two things about this passage I love:
Jesus' compassion and the man's response.
The first explains itself. The second sounds a bit like this to me when I read it in my head.
"I'm doing the best I can here, but I'm on my own and just not strong enough to beat out the competition. I have to keep trying anyway though. What choice do I have? I'm a Cubs fan. There's always next season."
Seriously though, I wonder, even though I know it won't bring me any answers, what was the point of those 38 years and why didn't Jesus heal more of the people there?
As I continue to ask my why questions, it comforts me to know that even Jesus asked God why.
"My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The Duality of "Why Me?"
Many times, especially recently, I have asked God directly, asked of others or simply wondered to myself, "Why me?"
Why was I abandoned? Why did You choose me to be so stunted and weak? Why am I not worthy of being loved and taken care of? Why did You even allow me to born if You were just going to make me worse than everybody else? Is this some kind of cruel joke?
Anyone who can quote scripture can tell you that it is a mistake to ask these questions of God and that once my faith is strengthened I will see the futility of it.
Anyone who has gone through the depths of pain of loss or abuse knows that you can't not ask them.
Grief is a deep vacuum that continues to search for any answer to fill it. No matter how hard you try to hold in these questions, they will come out one way or another. It's best to just let them out. Even though they may never be answered, it lays a foundation of honesty that is essential for moving on, right?
I've grown more comfortable with this concept of just letting myself be free to express or ask whatever I need to of God. If I don't show Him trust in any other way right now, I think this expression of trust is the one He's looking for anyway. So as I was again talking with some dear brothers as a release valve recently, another meaning of "why me?" struck me.
We were talking about how there are little to no men in the church that have survived this wound and gone on to live a victorious life. So why me?
Why am I not in prison? Why did I not end up completely unable to believe in God at all? Why have I been able to hang on for so many years even though I feel like a complete reject every day? Why haven't I abandoned God the way that I feel abandoned by Him so many days? Why do I have an insatiable drive to love my son well so he never has to face these same wounds instead of abandoning my own family like so many men do in my shoes? Why do I care about anyone at all besides myself and whatever makes me feel good in the moment?
The other side of "why me?" is the sufficiency of grace in action even when it doesn't seem sufficient to me.
God, You're a little too good at knowing exactly where the line is.
Why was I abandoned? Why did You choose me to be so stunted and weak? Why am I not worthy of being loved and taken care of? Why did You even allow me to born if You were just going to make me worse than everybody else? Is this some kind of cruel joke?
Anyone who can quote scripture can tell you that it is a mistake to ask these questions of God and that once my faith is strengthened I will see the futility of it.
Anyone who has gone through the depths of pain of loss or abuse knows that you can't not ask them.
Grief is a deep vacuum that continues to search for any answer to fill it. No matter how hard you try to hold in these questions, they will come out one way or another. It's best to just let them out. Even though they may never be answered, it lays a foundation of honesty that is essential for moving on, right?
I've grown more comfortable with this concept of just letting myself be free to express or ask whatever I need to of God. If I don't show Him trust in any other way right now, I think this expression of trust is the one He's looking for anyway. So as I was again talking with some dear brothers as a release valve recently, another meaning of "why me?" struck me.
We were talking about how there are little to no men in the church that have survived this wound and gone on to live a victorious life. So why me?
Why am I not in prison? Why did I not end up completely unable to believe in God at all? Why have I been able to hang on for so many years even though I feel like a complete reject every day? Why haven't I abandoned God the way that I feel abandoned by Him so many days? Why do I have an insatiable drive to love my son well so he never has to face these same wounds instead of abandoning my own family like so many men do in my shoes? Why do I care about anyone at all besides myself and whatever makes me feel good in the moment?
The other side of "why me?" is the sufficiency of grace in action even when it doesn't seem sufficient to me.
God, You're a little too good at knowing exactly where the line is.
The Father Loss
Back in August, it was recommended to me to go through this book. I was almost offended at seeing myself as a victim, but I could not argue with some of the insights about my behaviors that matched up with classic victim mentalities. I've never been abused sexually or physically. I struggle to call the things that have hurt me verbal abuse. I do admit to being neglected. None the less, I started to read and have slowly pressed onward as it started to hit more at home.
My conclusion so far: the deprivation of a resource, substance, or ability that is necessary for healthy development is just as damaging as purposeful abuse in that it leaves the victim at a loss at how to go through life.
God is called our Father for a reason. This is His design. When a child grows up in a home with a loving father, it is natural for that child to understand that God is for them. It fits for them. It just makes sense. God chose parents (both mother and father) to carry a part of His image. Why would He do that if not to build into us from birth who He is? His design, His plan is horribly marred when one of these elements is absent. I can only speak from the aspect of the missing father because that is what I have experienced, but I would love to hear from anyone who has had the experience of dealing with the abandonment of a mother so I can better understand.
I never met my biological father.
He abandoned me from before birth.
My image of God is damaged because of this.
Just like my physical body would be underdeveloped if I spent my whole life getting little to no protein, my ability to understand God as a father and relate to Him is feeble at best and barely alive at its most accurate. I have absolutely no idea how I am even able to still cling to the hope of one day knowing Him as a Holy Father. I desire it so badly, but I constantly push Him away based on my skewed perceptions or just plain run away and "hide." How am I supposed to run this marathon of life with a broken leg? I understand that there are many out there that share my circumstance. The problem for me is that I don't personally know any of them that are my age or older and that have successfully recovered from it. I feel that much more alone and disadvantaged because God remains silent other than to tell me to keep digging and there is no one here to help lead the way through the darkness. There is no one that has gone before me to impart to me the necessary wisdom to survive. In my sphere of experience, I am blazing a trail and I hate it.
Never knowing your father seems very similar to me to losing a loved one. It is a loss and it must be grieved. So I share my grief here as I process it and will hopefully share my healing as God brings it.
My conclusion so far: the deprivation of a resource, substance, or ability that is necessary for healthy development is just as damaging as purposeful abuse in that it leaves the victim at a loss at how to go through life.
God is called our Father for a reason. This is His design. When a child grows up in a home with a loving father, it is natural for that child to understand that God is for them. It fits for them. It just makes sense. God chose parents (both mother and father) to carry a part of His image. Why would He do that if not to build into us from birth who He is? His design, His plan is horribly marred when one of these elements is absent. I can only speak from the aspect of the missing father because that is what I have experienced, but I would love to hear from anyone who has had the experience of dealing with the abandonment of a mother so I can better understand.
I never met my biological father.
He abandoned me from before birth.
My image of God is damaged because of this.
Just like my physical body would be underdeveloped if I spent my whole life getting little to no protein, my ability to understand God as a father and relate to Him is feeble at best and barely alive at its most accurate. I have absolutely no idea how I am even able to still cling to the hope of one day knowing Him as a Holy Father. I desire it so badly, but I constantly push Him away based on my skewed perceptions or just plain run away and "hide." How am I supposed to run this marathon of life with a broken leg? I understand that there are many out there that share my circumstance. The problem for me is that I don't personally know any of them that are my age or older and that have successfully recovered from it. I feel that much more alone and disadvantaged because God remains silent other than to tell me to keep digging and there is no one here to help lead the way through the darkness. There is no one that has gone before me to impart to me the necessary wisdom to survive. In my sphere of experience, I am blazing a trail and I hate it.
Never knowing your father seems very similar to me to losing a loved one. It is a loss and it must be grieved. So I share my grief here as I process it and will hopefully share my healing as God brings it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Full of All the Wrong Things
I have a neighbor that has worked at my job for over nine years. I believe his word on my behalf played a large part in me getting hired. We exchange pleasantries often as I see him slowly limping across the plant. When we crossed paths today I was furious over being wrongly accused of doing a poor job on a cleaning task yesterday and getting thrown under the bus by some coworkers, so when he asked me how I was doing I just said, "Pissed!" As I explained a little of the situation, he just looked at me and smiled. He reminded me that he had told me about days like this before I started working there. He looked at my shoulders and told me to do the same.
"Look at those shoulders. Those are broad shoulders. Remember, Mike, God won't put anything on you that you can't handle."
Just a few sentences is all it took to diffuse my anger and move on with my day. How greatly I long for a man of wisdom who can see the good in me to be there for me. I think I discovered another link in the chain of painful memories today. None of the men that have been role models for me have ever seen the good in me as being bigger than the drawbacks of my weaknesses. I've not been a strong heart with a few wrinkles to be ironed out. I've been a project. I've been a broken and battered mess of insecurities that has disappointed everyone that has ever counted on me for anything. (Past tense intentional.)
Through all this mess, I have to believe that something amazing is on the other side and that I will make it to wherever that other side is.
For now, this song captures a lot of how I feel.
Shadows by Red
Sunset, I close my eyes
I pretend everything's alright
Drowning in anger from all these lies
I can't pretend everything's alright
Please don't let me fall forever
Can you tell me it's over?
There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows
Caught in the darkness, I go blind
But can you help me find my way out?
Nobody hears me. I suffer the silence
Can you tell me it's over now?
There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows
I'm holding onto you
I'm holding onto you
There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows
"Look at those shoulders. Those are broad shoulders. Remember, Mike, God won't put anything on you that you can't handle."
Just a few sentences is all it took to diffuse my anger and move on with my day. How greatly I long for a man of wisdom who can see the good in me to be there for me. I think I discovered another link in the chain of painful memories today. None of the men that have been role models for me have ever seen the good in me as being bigger than the drawbacks of my weaknesses. I've not been a strong heart with a few wrinkles to be ironed out. I've been a project. I've been a broken and battered mess of insecurities that has disappointed everyone that has ever counted on me for anything. (Past tense intentional.)
Through all this mess, I have to believe that something amazing is on the other side and that I will make it to wherever that other side is.
For now, this song captures a lot of how I feel.
Shadows by Red
Sunset, I close my eyes
I pretend everything's alright
Drowning in anger from all these lies
I can't pretend everything's alright
Please don't let me fall forever
Can you tell me it's over?
There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows
Caught in the darkness, I go blind
But can you help me find my way out?
Nobody hears me. I suffer the silence
Can you tell me it's over now?
There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows
I'm holding onto you
I'm holding onto you
There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows
Monday, October 24, 2011
Release? What's That?
For about the hundredth time in the past few months, God chose to reveal more of my hurt and the thoughts that go along with it right in the middle of my work day. I was very frustrated with the way my day was going and spending way too much time trying to get one machine up and running. Just when I thought I could see the finish line, more complications. Wire snapping for no reason, bad test results which means adjustments and a complete retest and a metal snake that starting uncoiling which meant I had to start a certain process completely over with a new snake. To top this all off, I've had a lot of anxiety about moving to second shift soon. The manager is very strict, my coworker can't stand me as evidenced by his constant condescending and degrading comments, and I don't really like him either. Not to mention that I probably won't see my wife much and my son even less. So today I heard through the grapevine that I will be moving to second next week.
In the midst of this I felt a voice say in a kind of buddy-buddy way, "It's ok. You're going to make it."
My immediate response?
No I won't. I'm not strong enough. I can't do it. I'll never be good enough. No one will ever really want me.
This happened in my head in less than a second. It's just inside me. It's how I really fell about myself. It's what my experiences have taught me are true.
Pretty par for the course for what I've been feeling and trying to dig through lately. What I think frustrates me even more is that it keeps happening while I'm at work. I just want to cry, but I take a deep breath and shove all that feeling back to the depths it came from so I can continue on with my job. I could never let those jerks I work with see me cry. They would eat me alive. They already tell me how weak I am all the time. The problem is that by the time I get anywhere safe enough to try to sort stuff out, I'm left with this lingering heaviness, but the tears just won't come. I just can't find any satisfying way to get this crap out. I'm emotionally constipated.
God sure has a really funny way of setting people free. It's getting really bloody in here. I just don't get it.
I wish so badly that I could accept Him as the Father... as the Daddy that I soooo desperately need. I just don't have any point of reference. I only know there must be something to fill this void in my heart.
I have nothing else but to hold onto the hope that I will one day be guided into a life of fruitfulness and peace.
In the midst of this I felt a voice say in a kind of buddy-buddy way, "It's ok. You're going to make it."
My immediate response?
No I won't. I'm not strong enough. I can't do it. I'll never be good enough. No one will ever really want me.
This happened in my head in less than a second. It's just inside me. It's how I really fell about myself. It's what my experiences have taught me are true.
Pretty par for the course for what I've been feeling and trying to dig through lately. What I think frustrates me even more is that it keeps happening while I'm at work. I just want to cry, but I take a deep breath and shove all that feeling back to the depths it came from so I can continue on with my job. I could never let those jerks I work with see me cry. They would eat me alive. They already tell me how weak I am all the time. The problem is that by the time I get anywhere safe enough to try to sort stuff out, I'm left with this lingering heaviness, but the tears just won't come. I just can't find any satisfying way to get this crap out. I'm emotionally constipated.
God sure has a really funny way of setting people free. It's getting really bloody in here. I just don't get it.
I wish so badly that I could accept Him as the Father... as the Daddy that I soooo desperately need. I just don't have any point of reference. I only know there must be something to fill this void in my heart.
I have nothing else but to hold onto the hope that I will one day be guided into a life of fruitfulness and peace.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Cornered
My wife is a generally cheerful person. She almost always is smiling, especially when she is with other people. To say that violence and powerful demonstrations of anger go against who she is at her core is the understatement of the century. In the over eight years that we have been married, I have only seen her yell in anger a handful of times. This only happens with some pretty serious provocation.
One such time was during the labor of giving birth to our son. She was two weeks past her due date. We arrived at the hospital so they could start inducing labor at nine in the morning. By seven or eight at night things were getting pretty intense. She opted for the epidural. If you don't know what that is, they take a needle full of drugs and inject it directly into a specific point in your spine so that you lose general feeling from a certain point in body on down to your toes. It is very important that this injection not be too high in the spine because then it can cause respiratory problems.
When Melissa was getting her shot, the woman administering it kept telling Melissa to bend forward and arch her back as much as possible, thus making it easier to get between the vertebrae and safely give the medication. So she would lean forward, while sitting on the edge of a hospital bed with way too many people around and having contractions about every minute and a half, and the woman would just keep telling her she needed to arch her back more. I have no idea how hard it is to arch your back while leaning over a huge pregnant belly during a contraction, but I am absolutely sure that it is not easy. Eventually Melissa lost it and started yelling as loud as she could, "I am! I can't arch my back any more! I already am!!!" I was quite taken aback because I had never seen her be angry like that and we had been married three years at that point. I think if she hadn't been giving birth and half naked she probably would have punched that lady in her mouth.
I tell this story because I identify with it. No, not with the pregnant part, but with the frustrated to the point of uncontrollable anger part. The few times in my wife's life that I have witnessed her "lose it" have all had a common theme--being told that it was necessary for her to do something that she did not think was possible for her to do.
So much of my life is spent feeling guilty over the things that I can't do or can't stop doing. It saps my strength and motivation. I wonder what would happen if I just stopped focusing on what I can't do and started to do with passion the things that I can do.
I cannot control the wind. I cannot make God be present in such a way that I feel it.
I can believe that He is here anyway. I can remember that even though the sun sets it will rise again.
I cannot stop my flesh from wanting what it wants with fleshly efforts.
I can feed my spirit while I wait for God to set me free in His own timing.
I cannot make others relate to me in a way that I never feel rejected or undervalued.
I can stop owning that this makes me worth less (space intentional).
I cannot make myself feel saved, holy, good, woth it, valued, loved, or wanted.
I can trust in spite of my feelings. (Yes, this is the hard one. Feelings are everything to me.)
I am going through a lot of internal struggle right now. I constantly feel worthless and any time I delve into my feelings, I just want to weep. I believe God is uncovering something right now, but I still don't fully know what it is. So when I scream, "I already am. I just can't do any better!" please forgive my anger. I just don't know how else to process my emotions right now. I expect though, that just like my wife, something amazingly valuable is about to be birthed and it will all be worth it.
One such time was during the labor of giving birth to our son. She was two weeks past her due date. We arrived at the hospital so they could start inducing labor at nine in the morning. By seven or eight at night things were getting pretty intense. She opted for the epidural. If you don't know what that is, they take a needle full of drugs and inject it directly into a specific point in your spine so that you lose general feeling from a certain point in body on down to your toes. It is very important that this injection not be too high in the spine because then it can cause respiratory problems.
When Melissa was getting her shot, the woman administering it kept telling Melissa to bend forward and arch her back as much as possible, thus making it easier to get between the vertebrae and safely give the medication. So she would lean forward, while sitting on the edge of a hospital bed with way too many people around and having contractions about every minute and a half, and the woman would just keep telling her she needed to arch her back more. I have no idea how hard it is to arch your back while leaning over a huge pregnant belly during a contraction, but I am absolutely sure that it is not easy. Eventually Melissa lost it and started yelling as loud as she could, "I am! I can't arch my back any more! I already am!!!" I was quite taken aback because I had never seen her be angry like that and we had been married three years at that point. I think if she hadn't been giving birth and half naked she probably would have punched that lady in her mouth.
I tell this story because I identify with it. No, not with the pregnant part, but with the frustrated to the point of uncontrollable anger part. The few times in my wife's life that I have witnessed her "lose it" have all had a common theme--being told that it was necessary for her to do something that she did not think was possible for her to do.
So much of my life is spent feeling guilty over the things that I can't do or can't stop doing. It saps my strength and motivation. I wonder what would happen if I just stopped focusing on what I can't do and started to do with passion the things that I can do.
I cannot control the wind. I cannot make God be present in such a way that I feel it.
I can believe that He is here anyway. I can remember that even though the sun sets it will rise again.
I cannot stop my flesh from wanting what it wants with fleshly efforts.
I can feed my spirit while I wait for God to set me free in His own timing.
I cannot make others relate to me in a way that I never feel rejected or undervalued.
I can stop owning that this makes me worth less (space intentional).
I cannot make myself feel saved, holy, good, woth it, valued, loved, or wanted.
I can trust in spite of my feelings. (Yes, this is the hard one. Feelings are everything to me.)
I am going through a lot of internal struggle right now. I constantly feel worthless and any time I delve into my feelings, I just want to weep. I believe God is uncovering something right now, but I still don't fully know what it is. So when I scream, "I already am. I just can't do any better!" please forgive my anger. I just don't know how else to process my emotions right now. I expect though, that just like my wife, something amazingly valuable is about to be birthed and it will all be worth it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Apokalupto
601. apokalupto ap-ok-al-oop'-to from 575 and 2572; to take off the cover, i.e. disclose:--reveal.
It is crazy to me just how hidden the true beliefs of my heart can be--hidden From ME!
I started reading a book this week that I had put down because it was getting boring and it didn't seem to be useful to what God was doing in my life. One of my brothers told me that he had seen several people get stalled out while reading this book right before they got to the part that God wanted to highlight. (You were right, Anthony.) I was very taken with the next chapter I read where a woman talks through her feelings of being under a curse. I don't think I took a breath until after I finished the chapter. It sounds stupid, I know, but I just identified so much with how she expressed her feelings and experiences. One of those, "Wow, that sounds just like my life." kinda moments.
The thing about people that believe they are cursed is that they accept unnecessary compulsions because they don't believe that they can be free of them without some sort of golden ticket redemption. This is being fatally unique at its worst. They don't fully take responsibility for there own decisions because they don't believe that they can really make better ones, yet the guilt they feel is even heavier than normal for these same decisions. They feel guilty because they feel they are not worthy of having the power to overcome bestowed on them. Yeah, I feel that way. The depth of the feelings of being second rate and worthless are simply astounding me as they are further uncovered. It's all based in this vast pool of past experiences of destruction sown into my life by the enemy. What a weed bed I am.
God, my view of You is soooo distorted. I don't even have a clue on how to relate to You anymore. The only honest expression that I can bring You is my brokenness. I am so messed up and full of iniquity and lies. I have never related to anyone in authority in this earth even in a positive way. It's always been some mix of fear of punishment and fear of disappointment. I don't have any models that have not at some time or another hurt or betrayed me. I don't believe that there has ever been anyone in my life that functioned mainly out of wanting what was best for me. Please bring truth to my life. I have no hope but You. If You do not open my eyes then I am doomed to walk in the same compulsions forever. Show me how to relate to You and how to walk in freedom. Please show me how to take responsibility for my own life and stop waiting around for the magical moment that makes everything easy.
Some of the other experiences I have had with You leave me a ground work for truth that I desperately need to believe. You told me Yourself:
You want me. (You don't just tolerate me.)
You call me unashamed. (My sins are forgiven and You don't view me according to my iniquity.)
You are with me always. (I am never alone.)
I do believe these things, Lord. Help my unbelief!
From Revelation chapter 12
10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.
12 Therefore rejoice, you heavens
and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
because he knows that his time is short.”
It is crazy to me just how hidden the true beliefs of my heart can be--hidden From ME!
I started reading a book this week that I had put down because it was getting boring and it didn't seem to be useful to what God was doing in my life. One of my brothers told me that he had seen several people get stalled out while reading this book right before they got to the part that God wanted to highlight. (You were right, Anthony.) I was very taken with the next chapter I read where a woman talks through her feelings of being under a curse. I don't think I took a breath until after I finished the chapter. It sounds stupid, I know, but I just identified so much with how she expressed her feelings and experiences. One of those, "Wow, that sounds just like my life." kinda moments.
The thing about people that believe they are cursed is that they accept unnecessary compulsions because they don't believe that they can be free of them without some sort of golden ticket redemption. This is being fatally unique at its worst. They don't fully take responsibility for there own decisions because they don't believe that they can really make better ones, yet the guilt they feel is even heavier than normal for these same decisions. They feel guilty because they feel they are not worthy of having the power to overcome bestowed on them. Yeah, I feel that way. The depth of the feelings of being second rate and worthless are simply astounding me as they are further uncovered. It's all based in this vast pool of past experiences of destruction sown into my life by the enemy. What a weed bed I am.
God, my view of You is soooo distorted. I don't even have a clue on how to relate to You anymore. The only honest expression that I can bring You is my brokenness. I am so messed up and full of iniquity and lies. I have never related to anyone in authority in this earth even in a positive way. It's always been some mix of fear of punishment and fear of disappointment. I don't have any models that have not at some time or another hurt or betrayed me. I don't believe that there has ever been anyone in my life that functioned mainly out of wanting what was best for me. Please bring truth to my life. I have no hope but You. If You do not open my eyes then I am doomed to walk in the same compulsions forever. Show me how to relate to You and how to walk in freedom. Please show me how to take responsibility for my own life and stop waiting around for the magical moment that makes everything easy.
Some of the other experiences I have had with You leave me a ground work for truth that I desperately need to believe. You told me Yourself:
You want me. (You don't just tolerate me.)
You call me unashamed. (My sins are forgiven and You don't view me according to my iniquity.)
You are with me always. (I am never alone.)
I do believe these things, Lord. Help my unbelief!
From Revelation chapter 12
10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.
12 Therefore rejoice, you heavens
and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
because he knows that his time is short.”
Friday, September 23, 2011
Potpourri
First, I had my ninety day evaluation at work today. It went really well and my boss even praised me for doing a good job. He said that I have a great work ethic and to not lose it with a tone that encouraged me to be truthful and do the right thing even when it's not popular with my coworkers. This is the first time at any job ever where I felt like my performance actually glorified God instead of being a blemish on His reputation. Oh yeah, I got another raise yesterday, too!
Next, many times growing up I felt like a huge wuss because of how sensitive I am. Shoot, I still feel like that at times now. To get more to the point, I don't want my son to feel ashamed of his nature either. I must confess that at times I have caught myself trying to "toughen him up." God convicted me that this is not His will. It didn't work when people did it with me and it won't work with Maz either. It actually just communicates the idea that something is wrong and therefore that shame is warranted. In trying to protect him from the pain I felt most of my life I have actually begun perpetuating the same cycle in him. I should instead focus on making sure that he knows that God made him to be unique with a plan made just for him and that there is nothing in the world that he should fear because God is ALWAYS with him. Thank you God for showing me this now. Please undo any harm I may have already done and help me to represent Your image as a father.
Still going, I realized again today that I expect God to expect me to know everything. When my boss told me that he was pleased with me so far that I just needed to keep learning, improving and pushing myself to be better it came as a complete shock. I thought because he was my authority figure that he was just upset with me for everything I did that was not perfect and that he would not be happy with me until I was perfect. (Please understand that I am speaking in terms of the hidden beliefs of my heart, which rarely ever coincide with what I know to be true in my head.) God revealed to me that I would never expect Maz to have everything figured out, especially if he had never encountered something before. As revealed above, I don't always get it right with my son, but I definitely enjoy explaining things to him when he asks me about things he doesn't understand. He's five. He's not supposed to know everything at least until he's a teenager and thinks that he doesn't need me anymore. My point is that if I can understand that God is definitely better at keeping things in perspective about letting me learn as I go and that what really matters is how we enjoy one another as I grow, peace will abound. I think that's what He is getting at.
Lastly, I just had to share this. I read an article at comeandlive.com today that had a great quote at it's close. It's by a guy named Josh Dies who is a singer/songwriter, both solo and in the band Showbread. He was talking about how this time around on tour they got a little closer to actually doing it for the purpose of glorifying God and telling people about Jesus. They were more intentional about how they interacted with both their fans and the other bands they toured with. They spent time praying and fellowshipping after every show. They saw people healed, poured their hearts out to God on behalf of family members of people that asked for them to be prayed for, and saw the Spirit bring conviction on people to change their lives. He said that after nine years of touring, they actually started looking forward to their shows again. This is how he ended that article:
Next, many times growing up I felt like a huge wuss because of how sensitive I am. Shoot, I still feel like that at times now. To get more to the point, I don't want my son to feel ashamed of his nature either. I must confess that at times I have caught myself trying to "toughen him up." God convicted me that this is not His will. It didn't work when people did it with me and it won't work with Maz either. It actually just communicates the idea that something is wrong and therefore that shame is warranted. In trying to protect him from the pain I felt most of my life I have actually begun perpetuating the same cycle in him. I should instead focus on making sure that he knows that God made him to be unique with a plan made just for him and that there is nothing in the world that he should fear because God is ALWAYS with him. Thank you God for showing me this now. Please undo any harm I may have already done and help me to represent Your image as a father.
Still going, I realized again today that I expect God to expect me to know everything. When my boss told me that he was pleased with me so far that I just needed to keep learning, improving and pushing myself to be better it came as a complete shock. I thought because he was my authority figure that he was just upset with me for everything I did that was not perfect and that he would not be happy with me until I was perfect. (Please understand that I am speaking in terms of the hidden beliefs of my heart, which rarely ever coincide with what I know to be true in my head.) God revealed to me that I would never expect Maz to have everything figured out, especially if he had never encountered something before. As revealed above, I don't always get it right with my son, but I definitely enjoy explaining things to him when he asks me about things he doesn't understand. He's five. He's not supposed to know everything at least until he's a teenager and thinks that he doesn't need me anymore. My point is that if I can understand that God is definitely better at keeping things in perspective about letting me learn as I go and that what really matters is how we enjoy one another as I grow, peace will abound. I think that's what He is getting at.
Lastly, I just had to share this. I read an article at comeandlive.com today that had a great quote at it's close. It's by a guy named Josh Dies who is a singer/songwriter, both solo and in the band Showbread. He was talking about how this time around on tour they got a little closer to actually doing it for the purpose of glorifying God and telling people about Jesus. They were more intentional about how they interacted with both their fans and the other bands they toured with. They spent time praying and fellowshipping after every show. They saw people healed, poured their hearts out to God on behalf of family members of people that asked for them to be prayed for, and saw the Spirit bring conviction on people to change their lives. He said that after nine years of touring, they actually started looking forward to their shows again. This is how he ended that article:
Every day I read theologians and scholars pour over the Bible in an endless effort to unravel it’s endless layers. On paper, theology is captivating, it stirs the heart and mind and seizes the imagination. In person, theology is devastating, it shocks a man to his very core to see with his own eyes and feel in his very bones the truth that prayer changes reality and that Jesus, God of the universe, is moving in the world today.
The current of this movement is one I simply must be swept away in.
I agree.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Brain Clutter
Over the last week and a half several nuggets have dropped into my heart in weird and "random" moments. My head has been pretty cloudy lately so I haven't been up to trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words for the world to see. That said, I need to get some of this stuff out there so I can start proclaiming some of it, being held accountable to some of it and just plain old vent the rest of it.
1. My current priority choice is between peace and fun. What is more important? If something cracks me up, but is built on things that displease God, it's just not worth it anymore. God never promised me that I would have fun everyday, but He did promise me peace. Even vegging out while playing sudoku instead of seeking Him for comfort from a rough day at work is something I am being convicted of recently. Peace allows us to leave behind the mistakes of the past, get sure footing in the present and walk confidently into the future. Fun, though it definitely has its' place in the kingdom, many times is just about feeling good now and doesn't always care about purity.
2. To me, boredom=loneliness. I was an only child of a single mother for the first seven years of my life. By the time my mother married and had another child I was little more than a babysitter to my sister. I spent a lot of time being by myself and bored as a child when mom just didn't have enough energy left to entertain me. After she married, her husband got a lot of her attention, and when my sister was born, forget about it. As this has been uncovered, I see a lot clearer why entertainment has been such a huge stronghold as it ties into comforting myself.
3. Perfectionism goes way deeper in me than I ever realized. Anytime something doesn't go right at work, or in my marriage, or just in life in general, I own guilt over it. I feel like somehow, someway it's my fault. It spills over into the way I approach God and my basic level of functioning as head of my household. I know this is ludicrous, but it's what goes on in my heart. Without even thinking I respond as though it is my responsibility to fix whatever is wrong, especially when this something going wrong involves the displeasure of an authority figure or peer that talks down to me. If it is something that is beyond me to fix, I can't even begin to explain the overwhelming sense of shame that sweeps over me. I think this is why I have consistently avoided anything that is new and challenging for years.
4. There is no way forward except direct intentional connection with God and the body of Christ. It will not just happen. I must risk. I must push. I must fight. I must go out into the world and come home covered in grime and let Him clean me. I will acquire battle scars and wear them proudly. Through all I must be hooked into the vine and I Must Bear Fruit for His Kingdom.
To those of you that are my body, I love you and I need you now more than ever.
To my Lord, I covet the holiness that You are implanting. Keep digging Lord and please expose the lies of the enemy. Bring Your truth and cut away anything that does not bear fruit. I need You, Holy Spirit, to do the revealing work that only You can do. May this life somehow bring You glory.
I trust You Lord to bring forth justice and to not put out a smoldering wick. (Isaiah 42:1-4)
1. My current priority choice is between peace and fun. What is more important? If something cracks me up, but is built on things that displease God, it's just not worth it anymore. God never promised me that I would have fun everyday, but He did promise me peace. Even vegging out while playing sudoku instead of seeking Him for comfort from a rough day at work is something I am being convicted of recently. Peace allows us to leave behind the mistakes of the past, get sure footing in the present and walk confidently into the future. Fun, though it definitely has its' place in the kingdom, many times is just about feeling good now and doesn't always care about purity.
2. To me, boredom=loneliness. I was an only child of a single mother for the first seven years of my life. By the time my mother married and had another child I was little more than a babysitter to my sister. I spent a lot of time being by myself and bored as a child when mom just didn't have enough energy left to entertain me. After she married, her husband got a lot of her attention, and when my sister was born, forget about it. As this has been uncovered, I see a lot clearer why entertainment has been such a huge stronghold as it ties into comforting myself.
3. Perfectionism goes way deeper in me than I ever realized. Anytime something doesn't go right at work, or in my marriage, or just in life in general, I own guilt over it. I feel like somehow, someway it's my fault. It spills over into the way I approach God and my basic level of functioning as head of my household. I know this is ludicrous, but it's what goes on in my heart. Without even thinking I respond as though it is my responsibility to fix whatever is wrong, especially when this something going wrong involves the displeasure of an authority figure or peer that talks down to me. If it is something that is beyond me to fix, I can't even begin to explain the overwhelming sense of shame that sweeps over me. I think this is why I have consistently avoided anything that is new and challenging for years.
4. There is no way forward except direct intentional connection with God and the body of Christ. It will not just happen. I must risk. I must push. I must fight. I must go out into the world and come home covered in grime and let Him clean me. I will acquire battle scars and wear them proudly. Through all I must be hooked into the vine and I Must Bear Fruit for His Kingdom.
To those of you that are my body, I love you and I need you now more than ever.
To my Lord, I covet the holiness that You are implanting. Keep digging Lord and please expose the lies of the enemy. Bring Your truth and cut away anything that does not bear fruit. I need You, Holy Spirit, to do the revealing work that only You can do. May this life somehow bring You glory.
I trust You Lord to bring forth justice and to not put out a smoldering wick. (Isaiah 42:1-4)
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Infuriating Subtleties
No, this post is not about the nature of how married women communicate to their husbands (although that would work with this title also). This is about how the enemy tries to rob me blind.
I've made no secret that fear is the number one tactic that the enemy has used to keep me bound throughout my life. God has been revealing to me some of the other things that Satan does to keep me from seeing the truth by twisting it up. The times in my life when I have decided to push past the fear, invariably I have become overwhelmed. It's not the things that I have been asked to let go of that are the hard part, it's always by new ways of life that I know I need to incorporate to be a resident in the kingdom of holiness that seem unattainable. After all, God did say that without holiness no one would see Him (Hebrews 12:14).
As I was again feeling this overwhelming wave of pressure during a day of failures on my job, God spoke to me about the lie being used to keep me thinking that I would never attain His will. He said, "Michael, you are making the same mistake that you always make when you decide to follow Me with all your heart. You are confusing holiness with perfection. They are not the same thing."
So what is holiness then? If it's not doing everything right, then I have no idea what holiness is.
Yeah, I know that it means "set apart," but how does that affect us in terms of lifestyle and choice?. It can't possibly mean to only do things that others don't do. Set apart to what?
To whatever God asks, commands, or otherwise communicates to us in secret. We can't work on every thing that is wrong with our hearts' motives all at once, so we accept our weaknesses until God is pleased to take them from us and obey despite our imperfections.
Pursue holiness with all you have. Leave perfection for the suckers. Jesus was already perfect for us and we get all the benefits of His perfection just by believing in Him. Progressing in personal holiness is the natural result of God revealing His truth to us and setting us free, which is completely up to Him how He does that. We set ourselves up for this by asking Him for it and following Him where He calls us. Are you ready to go wherever He calls and leave behind everything else?
I've made no secret that fear is the number one tactic that the enemy has used to keep me bound throughout my life. God has been revealing to me some of the other things that Satan does to keep me from seeing the truth by twisting it up. The times in my life when I have decided to push past the fear, invariably I have become overwhelmed. It's not the things that I have been asked to let go of that are the hard part, it's always by new ways of life that I know I need to incorporate to be a resident in the kingdom of holiness that seem unattainable. After all, God did say that without holiness no one would see Him (Hebrews 12:14).
As I was again feeling this overwhelming wave of pressure during a day of failures on my job, God spoke to me about the lie being used to keep me thinking that I would never attain His will. He said, "Michael, you are making the same mistake that you always make when you decide to follow Me with all your heart. You are confusing holiness with perfection. They are not the same thing."
So what is holiness then? If it's not doing everything right, then I have no idea what holiness is.
Yeah, I know that it means "set apart," but how does that affect us in terms of lifestyle and choice?. It can't possibly mean to only do things that others don't do. Set apart to what?
To whatever God asks, commands, or otherwise communicates to us in secret. We can't work on every thing that is wrong with our hearts' motives all at once, so we accept our weaknesses until God is pleased to take them from us and obey despite our imperfections.
Pursue holiness with all you have. Leave perfection for the suckers. Jesus was already perfect for us and we get all the benefits of His perfection just by believing in Him. Progressing in personal holiness is the natural result of God revealing His truth to us and setting us free, which is completely up to Him how He does that. We set ourselves up for this by asking Him for it and following Him where He calls us. Are you ready to go wherever He calls and leave behind everything else?
Friday, September 2, 2011
Jericho
This week was really hard. There were several days in a row where I came home just feeling worthless and exhausted. God continues to use the avenue of my job to push lies in my mind to the surface and to reveal truth as well. I'm not even going to give voice to the list of lies at this point, but here are some key truths that I have always professed to be theologically correct, but I must now admit that I have never really believed as shown by my practices and habits.
He will never leave me or forsake me. (Heb 13:5)
He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him. (Heb 11:6)
He will give me wisdom as I ask without finding fault. (James 1:5)
He will forgive me of my sins AND cleanse me of all unrighteousness. (I John 1:9)
He will tell me when I go to the left or the right and come behind me and say, "Hey, over here! This is the way, walk in it." (Isaiah 30:21)
I now know and admit that I don't yet fully believe these things because when God challenges me with a thought of doing something crazy, you know like praying for the sick to be healed, fear is my first response. I recognize this fear as a work of the enemy. Just like the Israelites, I become like a grasshopper in my own eyes, but no longer. I don't care how scared I feel, I will choose the path of courage. I will be afraid and do it anyway.
My experiences this week feel like walking around those intimidating walls to the jeers of the residents of Jericho. It hurts just to hear those lies about me and about Him. It makes me feel so powerless, but I know that I am walking in obedience to the Lord and following his right now plan for my life. I also know that those walls are getting ready to implode.
The very same walls that served as that source of intimidation became a part of what crushed the enemy. That's about to happen in my life.
That is going to be so great when the reward comes. When I enter into the revelation that these truths are actually reality. Jericho is like my unbelief, and it is only the beginning.
Jericho is not even where I am meant to dwell. It's just a place to kill giants while praising God. A place to serve as a reminder of the glory of the Lord and how He fights for and delivers His children. The real blessings are far beyond, much deeper into the promise. I'm ready for that.
He will never leave me or forsake me. (Heb 13:5)
He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him. (Heb 11:6)
He will give me wisdom as I ask without finding fault. (James 1:5)
He will forgive me of my sins AND cleanse me of all unrighteousness. (I John 1:9)
He will tell me when I go to the left or the right and come behind me and say, "Hey, over here! This is the way, walk in it." (Isaiah 30:21)
I now know and admit that I don't yet fully believe these things because when God challenges me with a thought of doing something crazy, you know like praying for the sick to be healed, fear is my first response. I recognize this fear as a work of the enemy. Just like the Israelites, I become like a grasshopper in my own eyes, but no longer. I don't care how scared I feel, I will choose the path of courage. I will be afraid and do it anyway.
My experiences this week feel like walking around those intimidating walls to the jeers of the residents of Jericho. It hurts just to hear those lies about me and about Him. It makes me feel so powerless, but I know that I am walking in obedience to the Lord and following his right now plan for my life. I also know that those walls are getting ready to implode.
The very same walls that served as that source of intimidation became a part of what crushed the enemy. That's about to happen in my life.
That is going to be so great when the reward comes. When I enter into the revelation that these truths are actually reality. Jericho is like my unbelief, and it is only the beginning.
Jericho is not even where I am meant to dwell. It's just a place to kill giants while praising God. A place to serve as a reminder of the glory of the Lord and how He fights for and delivers His children. The real blessings are far beyond, much deeper into the promise. I'm ready for that.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I Dare You to Listen to This All the Way Through
This album has been a soundtrack for prayer these past couple days. It leaves me in a place of peace and rest. It is a spoken word album by the lead vocalist from one of my favorite bands with some background music behind the words. It's all scripture, testimony, and exhortation.
And, IT'S FREE!
You can download it at comeandlive.com. Mattie is one of several artists that all have allowed their music to be downloaded for free for the encouragement of the body of Christ. There are several other good albums at C&L as well, but this one is my favorite so far.
These eight tracks total around thirty-three minutes. Like the title of this post, I dare you to listen to it straight through. What have you got to lose? It's free.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I'm in a Band!
Look at the guy in this pic with his hands in his coat pockets. Totally looks like me with long hair. These guys are called Great Awakening and are not hardcore. I saw this pic while reading an article called "Worship Through Experience." Just had to post this. So funny.
Why I LOVE Sleeping Giant
I recently ran across a website called HOPECORE. I noticed that they had interviews with several of my favorite bands that seemed deeper than usual, so I have spent a bit of time recently checking into them. I want to share one of the questions and answers from one of the interviews with JR Bermuda, the bass player from Sleeping Giant. You can check out the entire interview here.
This is the last Q and A from that interview entitled, "Worship is not Music."
By the way, this is one of the two guys that I had the privilege to see praying for people and healing them after one of their Q and A sessions at Cornerstone. The passion that he walked in rocked my world. If you ever get the chance to see these guys live or talk to them after a show, Do It! Seriously, even if you don't like hardcore, if you love Jesus, you will love these guys.
This is the last Q and A from that interview entitled, "Worship is not Music."
This is Sleeping Giant’s third album. Personally, I’ve seen you guys put on one of the best live shows I’ve ever seen, I’ve seen you pray with kids for hours after shows, I’ve seen God use you to heal the sick and I’ve seen people baptized and saved at your shows. What has God been doing in your heart over the lifespan of Sleeping Giant that you just can’t not share with people?
JB: A few profound revelations I have received while playing and touring with the band have changed my life forever. 1. The Holy Spirit IS God. For too long we have seen churches and people groups who make the power and ministry of the Holy Spirit an unacceptable thing within their culture. You cannot have God or Jesus without the Third. They are inseparable. 2. Worship is not music. Worship can be anything from painting to feeding the poor. Worship is the natural response to the love of Jesus. Some people create. Some people sing, others will love other people as a result. Whatever it is, it will cost you something. Worship is sacrifice. 3. Let your faith embrace the idea that God will back you up. Pray for the sick, raise the dead. Heal internal wounds. God has given you the power and ability through the Holy Spirit, and he will do it through you. Go for it! Finally, and most importantly- Waste your life on Jesus. Go in the room, and lock the door. Get alone and spend hours loving him. There is no greater activity in the world. I promise you.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Things I Can't Believe I Never Saw Before! Part Three
This one is going to be a bit different.
I spent a decent amount of time pondering within myself and asking God what it takes to have a heart full of good soil and thus end up being fruitful for Him. I must admit that I don't know much about being fruitful because of all the time in my life that I've spent full of rocks and weeds. I'm just now getting to some of those particularly nasty weeds and tearing down the strongholds in my mind where they live. I'm also getting to the point where I realize that I can learn as a I go from my loving Father. So as I asked Him about this he directed me to Psalm One.
Psalm One holds special significance to me. One of the greatest privileges of being a part of the church that I attended as a teen was being exposed to Brother Bill Bradbury. Old triple B always sat in the front row. He had eyes that let everyone know that he would talk to anyone that was willing to listen. He even sat on the edge of the stage after service and waited just so he could be available if any of the teens wanted to chat or pick his brain about God and scripture. Psalm One was his favorite. He started reading it everyday at the start of the day years ago. He called it his breakfast. He started making tally marks inside the cover of his bible every time he would read it. They spilled to the back cover after the front filled up and elsewhere. He claimed that there was enough life in that chapter to keep you going for a lifetime.
So I did what any seeking teen would do upon hearing this, I read Psalm One. Amazingly, I didn't feel any different. I don't know what I expected, growing wings maybe. Anyway, over time I dug in a little more and actually started to study it and search through the theme of those six verses. I believe what God showed me then about that chapter is the answer to how we cultivate good soil in our hearts and keep out the rocks and weeds.
Here goes:
1. How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
That's right! It ends with an exclamation point. This verse points out three things that a righteous man does not do. He does not believe like, behave like, or belong to the realm of the ungodly.
2. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night.
Truth becomes the focus. God's presence and His word become our lifeline and constant desire. I believe this happens little by little as we choose to believe God's word as truth, especially in the face of feelings and instincts that oppose that truth. Will we stand on the truth of God's word or just give it lip service?
3. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither, and in whatever he does, he prospers.
Being planted next to the stream represents placing the Holy Spirit in His rightful place and thus walking in the Spirit. The fruit, the strength of life, and the victory come from the ability to continually draw from that source of life. Remember verse three is contingent upon verses one and two. The holiness, being set apart from the common ways, of verse one is what precedes the receptiveness to His Word of verse two! If we desire to be the good soil which is able to receive His words and bear fruit because of them we must make sure that we are not thinking like the world (believing lies), doing what the world does (actively walking in sinful lifestyles), or belong to their circles (being rooted next to those full of weeds will definitely lead to contamination of the soil of our hearts). Please note the use of the word rooted!
In short, God demands holiness and promises life! I love it!
I spent a decent amount of time pondering within myself and asking God what it takes to have a heart full of good soil and thus end up being fruitful for Him. I must admit that I don't know much about being fruitful because of all the time in my life that I've spent full of rocks and weeds. I'm just now getting to some of those particularly nasty weeds and tearing down the strongholds in my mind where they live. I'm also getting to the point where I realize that I can learn as a I go from my loving Father. So as I asked Him about this he directed me to Psalm One.
Psalm One holds special significance to me. One of the greatest privileges of being a part of the church that I attended as a teen was being exposed to Brother Bill Bradbury. Old triple B always sat in the front row. He had eyes that let everyone know that he would talk to anyone that was willing to listen. He even sat on the edge of the stage after service and waited just so he could be available if any of the teens wanted to chat or pick his brain about God and scripture. Psalm One was his favorite. He started reading it everyday at the start of the day years ago. He called it his breakfast. He started making tally marks inside the cover of his bible every time he would read it. They spilled to the back cover after the front filled up and elsewhere. He claimed that there was enough life in that chapter to keep you going for a lifetime.
So I did what any seeking teen would do upon hearing this, I read Psalm One. Amazingly, I didn't feel any different. I don't know what I expected, growing wings maybe. Anyway, over time I dug in a little more and actually started to study it and search through the theme of those six verses. I believe what God showed me then about that chapter is the answer to how we cultivate good soil in our hearts and keep out the rocks and weeds.
Here goes:
1. How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
That's right! It ends with an exclamation point. This verse points out three things that a righteous man does not do. He does not believe like, behave like, or belong to the realm of the ungodly.
2. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night.
Truth becomes the focus. God's presence and His word become our lifeline and constant desire. I believe this happens little by little as we choose to believe God's word as truth, especially in the face of feelings and instincts that oppose that truth. Will we stand on the truth of God's word or just give it lip service?
3. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither, and in whatever he does, he prospers.
Being planted next to the stream represents placing the Holy Spirit in His rightful place and thus walking in the Spirit. The fruit, the strength of life, and the victory come from the ability to continually draw from that source of life. Remember verse three is contingent upon verses one and two. The holiness, being set apart from the common ways, of verse one is what precedes the receptiveness to His Word of verse two! If we desire to be the good soil which is able to receive His words and bear fruit because of them we must make sure that we are not thinking like the world (believing lies), doing what the world does (actively walking in sinful lifestyles), or belong to their circles (being rooted next to those full of weeds will definitely lead to contamination of the soil of our hearts). Please note the use of the word rooted!
In short, God demands holiness and promises life! I love it!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Things I Can't Believe I Never Saw Before! Part Two
Okay, so I left off with the soil full of weeds. Some translations use the word thorns instead of weeds.
This soil symbolized the seed that grew but was choked by worry and "the deceitfulness of wealth." I define "the deceitfulness of wealth" as security. As in, because I have money and lots of it everything will be alright and I will be happy and fulfilled. The converse is also true of that mindset--If I don't have lots of money, all kinds of bad things will happen to me and I will be sad and empty. That sounds like fear to me.
I once heard it said that fear is faith for what you don't want.
Fear is basically what worry is anyway, right? We don't worry about things that don't matter if they happen or not. We worry about bad things happening to us because we are afraid of them. At the heart of worry is distrust in God. We think that if situation X happens to us that it will be so devastating that we could never recover. Or even in milder terms, if situation X doesn't happen, then I will not be able to be happy.
Worry at it's core is to believe that God is not in control of our lives and to doubt His protection.
What's crazy about the soil with the thorns/weeds is that the seed actually grows and survives long term, but it doesn't bear fruit. The thorns are already in the soil when the seed is sown, much like the strongholds of fear in our minds before we begin to walk a life of trusting in Him, but there is enough good soil there for the seed to grow. This soil is people who really do love God and never want to turn away from Him. These people are paralyzed by fear and though they don't die off, they never walk in victory over the flesh and the enemy.
The remedy: obedience (do it anyway).
The only way to kill a weed forever is get it at the root, we all know that by now. When you go after the weeds of fear, the only way to kill that root is to do it anyway. God tells us over and over in scripture to not fear and to be courageous. This is most notably spoken to Joshua, right before going in to take the promised land. Without courage, being afraid but doing it anyway, we will not possess the promises of God. Sounds a little bit like picking up a cross, huh?
As far as the good soil goes, how do we keep the weeds from coming back? How do we avoid the temptations to fill ourselves with that which is not God? How do we stay soft and humble despite the constant blows of this world and attacks from our enemy?
I hope to answer these questions tomorrow in the unforeseen part three of Things I Can't Believe I Never Saw Before. For right now, I'm tired.
This soil symbolized the seed that grew but was choked by worry and "the deceitfulness of wealth." I define "the deceitfulness of wealth" as security. As in, because I have money and lots of it everything will be alright and I will be happy and fulfilled. The converse is also true of that mindset--If I don't have lots of money, all kinds of bad things will happen to me and I will be sad and empty. That sounds like fear to me.
I once heard it said that fear is faith for what you don't want.
Fear is basically what worry is anyway, right? We don't worry about things that don't matter if they happen or not. We worry about bad things happening to us because we are afraid of them. At the heart of worry is distrust in God. We think that if situation X happens to us that it will be so devastating that we could never recover. Or even in milder terms, if situation X doesn't happen, then I will not be able to be happy.
Worry at it's core is to believe that God is not in control of our lives and to doubt His protection.
What's crazy about the soil with the thorns/weeds is that the seed actually grows and survives long term, but it doesn't bear fruit. The thorns are already in the soil when the seed is sown, much like the strongholds of fear in our minds before we begin to walk a life of trusting in Him, but there is enough good soil there for the seed to grow. This soil is people who really do love God and never want to turn away from Him. These people are paralyzed by fear and though they don't die off, they never walk in victory over the flesh and the enemy.
The remedy: obedience (do it anyway).
The only way to kill a weed forever is get it at the root, we all know that by now. When you go after the weeds of fear, the only way to kill that root is to do it anyway. God tells us over and over in scripture to not fear and to be courageous. This is most notably spoken to Joshua, right before going in to take the promised land. Without courage, being afraid but doing it anyway, we will not possess the promises of God. Sounds a little bit like picking up a cross, huh?
As far as the good soil goes, how do we keep the weeds from coming back? How do we avoid the temptations to fill ourselves with that which is not God? How do we stay soft and humble despite the constant blows of this world and attacks from our enemy?
I hope to answer these questions tomorrow in the unforeseen part three of Things I Can't Believe I Never Saw Before. For right now, I'm tired.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Things I Can't Believe I Never Saw Before!
I feel like I have spent most of my life being blind and deaf. Multiple times in His ministry Jesus talks about people who see without seeing and hear without hearing. At that phrase there is one of two responses going on in every person who reads it: Huh? or complete understanding of something that cannot be truly explained, only experienced. If you have the first response then the description of the second just sounds like a cop out, but there really isn't any way to make someone see or hear something that they just can't see or hear yet.
Out of nowhere I just started pondering the parable of the sower tonight. (I think I know what that means.) You can find it in Matthew 13, Mark 4 or Luke 8. If you've spent any time in a church at all, I'm sure you're already very familiar with it and wondering why I'm so excited about it. Pretty basic stuff, right?
It's just that it only seemed partially practical to me before now. I always got that the soil with the weeds represented when we choose to focus on that which worries us instead of trusting God and therefore makes us unfruitful in ministry and life. The text makes that pretty plain when Jesus pulls his disciples aside and gives them the inside scoop. Even with his explanation, I've still been in the dark on how the other two bad soils apply to us, and, most importantly, how to remedy them. Tonight I feel like I've been given a glimpse.
The soil symbolized by the road that has the seed stolen away by the enemy represents the hard of heart. It is packed down, trodden on repeatedly and has a layer of defense built against penetration. The seed might as well just bounce off and never of been there in the first place as far as effectiveness goes. This is the biggest way that people can see without seeing and hear without hearing. It's not that they aren't given the same chance to bear fruit in the kingdom as everyone else, they are just unable to receive it.
The remedy: brokenness.
The only way to penetrate packed hard soil is with a plow. Plowing is no fun. It is a lot of hard work, requires direct attention and intention, and it hurts. None of us likes to be broken open and that's why most of the time the breaking comes with someone else's hand at the plow--God's. It is His mercy when He breaks open our hard defenses so that His life can get in. Think about it, the hard dirt of a packed road can't even receive the softening of the water that falls on it. It repels that rain. (Water represents the Holy Spirit, by the way.) We should always pray for God to break up the clods in our hearts and to bring whatever breaking is necessary to get past the defensiveness of those in our lives who just can't see what God is trying to show them.
I've always identified most with the rocky soil. I want so desperately to be close to God, to be full of the Spirit and to have the staying power to not give up or be deceived when things get tough. I have absolutely no problem getting hyped up about what God is doing or wants from me. I've just always found myself dying out as soon as it gets hard and the emotions fade.
The rocky soil, Jesus says, has no depth of soil and therefore cannot produce lasting growth. This represents the heart that has other stuff taking up the space in it that belongs to God. The rocks are our idols my friends. They are all the things that we let into our life that serve no purpose other than to fill us in some way that we should be filling with God (the seed and the water) and the things that help us receive Him (good soil).
The remedy: repentance.
We can dig up these rocks by confessing our sins, taking an honest inventory of our hearts and letting God take anything that He wants--no matter how comfortable it makes us, removing those idols, and (here's the kicker) not returning to our sin once we have turned it over to Him. Whenever we choose to turn to anything other than God to be what fills us, we are putting rocks in the soil of our hearts and sapping our own ability to grow and keep growing once the heat comes. When we do this, We Are Defeating Ourselves!
I hit a little on worry earlier and need some more time to process it further so maybe I'll blog some on that along with a few thoughts on the good soil.
Tune in tomorrow for the epic conclusion of, "Things I can't believe I never saw before!"
Thursday, August 18, 2011
My Heart Revealed
If you read my last post you know that this week has been hard for me and that I've been trying to dig through some personal wounds without resorting to fleshly comforts. In an effort to seek spiritual comfort, I turned to Genesis 15. This is the story of God promising Abram that his descendants would be too numerous to count. I have always drawn comfort from this story because of the way that God makes His covenant with Abram.
Abram has some responsibility in preparing for the covenant. He acquires the correct animals and obeys God's instructions by splitting them in half and setting them out with a path between the halves as was the custom for making a covenant with someone in that culture. The idea was, so should it be done to me if I don't honor this covenant. Serious stuff. Also, in verse eleven, Abram is waiting for God and has to fight off the birds of prey that come to try to eat the carcasses. Once the sun goes down, in verse twelve, Abram falls into a deep sleep.
While he is asleep, in verse seventeen, God comes down in the form of a smoking oven and a burning torch. It seems like God uses that imagery of himself in the desert as well. Anyway, the important part that has always been comforting to me is that God walks through the animals by Himself. (Maybe twice, once as the oven and once as the torch?) God hereby takes sole responsibility for fulfilling this covenant. Now Abram knows that it is completely on Him to bring it about. What a blessing!
In between these two things though something very odd happens in the end of verse twelve through verse sixteen. When Abram falls asleep he is filled with terror and dread. This was to underscore the seriousness of what God was about to tell him. God reveals to Abram that his descendants would be slaves for four hundred years before possessing the land that God had promised to Abram and the nation that God could make from him. It's put in there almost like an aside. It kinda breaks the flow of the story a bit so it got my attention.
At first, I filtered this through my understanding of theology and just accepted it as God doing whatever He wants for His own glory. This is still a fairly new concept for my personal theology (a year or two). I'm still working out some of the implications. We also see this idea in other scripture, most notably in the gospels when Jesus heals the man blind from birth. When asked whose sin it was that caused his blindness, Jesus answers, "He was born blind so that I could heal him in this moment and be glorified." (my paraphrase)
Recently I have grabbed on with both hands and sometimes my teeth to this idea of God's glory being the end all be all. It's the only thing that makes any sense to me, but when you mix in some personal experience you get a different matter altogether. As I thought through my childhood, particularly my abandonment by my father, I had to admit that I had a good deal of anger toward God. How could He let me be alone for so long? I know He was with me all along, but I sure felt alone and worthless all those years.
I realized that at the heart of this anger was a feeling of being deprived of something. Several somethings. A father, an example, someone to balance out and support my mother, love, a sense of being normal, stability. The list goes on. So of course I'm pissed. Every person deserves to be taken care of.
Bingo! There it is! Entitlement.
At the core of all this anger was the belief that I was robbed of something that I deserved. A pain free childhood was never promised to me. God never said that life would be comfortable. In fact I'm pretty sure He promised me trouble, fiery trials, persecution and possibly death just for siding with Him. He did promise me though that He would never leave me or forsake me. He will never abandon me, ever!
I recalled my comments to a friend recently that Jesus did not spare Himself these pains. He grew up a physical bastard. More importantly, as His kenosis became complete on the cross, He was actually cut off from His Father. The only truly pure being became sin for us. For me.
Father forgive me for my grumbling and please don't let me die in the desert. Help me to be patient as you restore me to the promised land little by little. You are everything! If Jesus can empty Himself for us all for Your glory, so can I since His Spirit fills me. If it glorifies You, then being abandoned as a child was a small price to pay to inherit You.
Abram has some responsibility in preparing for the covenant. He acquires the correct animals and obeys God's instructions by splitting them in half and setting them out with a path between the halves as was the custom for making a covenant with someone in that culture. The idea was, so should it be done to me if I don't honor this covenant. Serious stuff. Also, in verse eleven, Abram is waiting for God and has to fight off the birds of prey that come to try to eat the carcasses. Once the sun goes down, in verse twelve, Abram falls into a deep sleep.
While he is asleep, in verse seventeen, God comes down in the form of a smoking oven and a burning torch. It seems like God uses that imagery of himself in the desert as well. Anyway, the important part that has always been comforting to me is that God walks through the animals by Himself. (Maybe twice, once as the oven and once as the torch?) God hereby takes sole responsibility for fulfilling this covenant. Now Abram knows that it is completely on Him to bring it about. What a blessing!
In between these two things though something very odd happens in the end of verse twelve through verse sixteen. When Abram falls asleep he is filled with terror and dread. This was to underscore the seriousness of what God was about to tell him. God reveals to Abram that his descendants would be slaves for four hundred years before possessing the land that God had promised to Abram and the nation that God could make from him. It's put in there almost like an aside. It kinda breaks the flow of the story a bit so it got my attention.
At first, I filtered this through my understanding of theology and just accepted it as God doing whatever He wants for His own glory. This is still a fairly new concept for my personal theology (a year or two). I'm still working out some of the implications. We also see this idea in other scripture, most notably in the gospels when Jesus heals the man blind from birth. When asked whose sin it was that caused his blindness, Jesus answers, "He was born blind so that I could heal him in this moment and be glorified." (my paraphrase)
Recently I have grabbed on with both hands and sometimes my teeth to this idea of God's glory being the end all be all. It's the only thing that makes any sense to me, but when you mix in some personal experience you get a different matter altogether. As I thought through my childhood, particularly my abandonment by my father, I had to admit that I had a good deal of anger toward God. How could He let me be alone for so long? I know He was with me all along, but I sure felt alone and worthless all those years.
I realized that at the heart of this anger was a feeling of being deprived of something. Several somethings. A father, an example, someone to balance out and support my mother, love, a sense of being normal, stability. The list goes on. So of course I'm pissed. Every person deserves to be taken care of.
Bingo! There it is! Entitlement.
At the core of all this anger was the belief that I was robbed of something that I deserved. A pain free childhood was never promised to me. God never said that life would be comfortable. In fact I'm pretty sure He promised me trouble, fiery trials, persecution and possibly death just for siding with Him. He did promise me though that He would never leave me or forsake me. He will never abandon me, ever!
I recalled my comments to a friend recently that Jesus did not spare Himself these pains. He grew up a physical bastard. More importantly, as His kenosis became complete on the cross, He was actually cut off from His Father. The only truly pure being became sin for us. For me.
Father forgive me for my grumbling and please don't let me die in the desert. Help me to be patient as you restore me to the promised land little by little. You are everything! If Jesus can empty Himself for us all for Your glory, so can I since His Spirit fills me. If it glorifies You, then being abandoned as a child was a small price to pay to inherit You.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm Not Supposed to Admit Feeling Discouraged
Years ago a mentor was praying over me and God gave him an analogy of needing to stay in the flock when under attack. He said I would be able to avoid the wolves by getting in the flock. Part of this word included identifying the alpha male of the pack that was trying to eat me alive as being, I Can't. Man, did I come face to face with that sucker today. I don't know how many times I failed at work today. Over and over again. I tried to come home and pray and get with the Shepherd, but I was so shaken up and angry by the way my day went that it took forever to get my head even a little bit straight. I guess I should have called someone instead.
Today just reinforced all my fear of failure issues. Every time I fail, especially when I am criticized or ridiculed for it as was the case with my coworkers today, it's like I'm defenseless. I did my best on that frickin machine today, I swear, but I still just couldn't get it done. I didn't have what it took. In it's simplest form, I was wrong. So with every comment or snide glance my heart took another blow. It's like being held down and beaten because there is nothing I can do to make it stop. My emotions just come in moments like these. I know that God is with me, but I can't make myself have peace. The hurt screams louder than any other voice.
I feel like something was taken from me and I don't know how to get it back. I'm falling apart and I know that I'm not seeing things right. I can't go back to where I was before. I have to find a way forward. I have to find out who I really am to Him so I won't be so easily shaken. Why is it so hard for me to believe in moments like this that God wants that way more than I ever have? Why does pain cloud my judgment and mental capability so much? Is there hope that I can hang on long enough for rescue to come and truth to free me from this prison? When will I truly be able to believe Phil 4:13? When can I stop feeling guilty for being so weak?
Please pray for me. My pray-er seems to be broke.
Today just reinforced all my fear of failure issues. Every time I fail, especially when I am criticized or ridiculed for it as was the case with my coworkers today, it's like I'm defenseless. I did my best on that frickin machine today, I swear, but I still just couldn't get it done. I didn't have what it took. In it's simplest form, I was wrong. So with every comment or snide glance my heart took another blow. It's like being held down and beaten because there is nothing I can do to make it stop. My emotions just come in moments like these. I know that God is with me, but I can't make myself have peace. The hurt screams louder than any other voice.
I feel like something was taken from me and I don't know how to get it back. I'm falling apart and I know that I'm not seeing things right. I can't go back to where I was before. I have to find a way forward. I have to find out who I really am to Him so I won't be so easily shaken. Why is it so hard for me to believe in moments like this that God wants that way more than I ever have? Why does pain cloud my judgment and mental capability so much? Is there hope that I can hang on long enough for rescue to come and truth to free me from this prison? When will I truly be able to believe Phil 4:13? When can I stop feeling guilty for being so weak?
Please pray for me. My pray-er seems to be broke.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Rebuke of the Religious Me (And Others)
Alas, you who are longing for the day of the Lord, for what purpose will the day of the Lord be to you? It will be darkness and not light;
As when a man flees from a lion and and a bear meets him, or goes home, leans his hand against the wall and a snake bites him.
Will not the day of the Lord be darkness instead of light, even gloom with no brightness in it?
"I hate, I reject your festivals, nor do I delight in your solemn assemblies.
Even though you offer up to Me burnt offerings and your grain offerings, I will not accept them; and I will not even look at the peace offerings of your fatlings.
Take away from Me the the noise of your songs; I will not even listen to the sound of your harps."
"But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream."
"Did you present Me with sacrifices and grain offerings in the wilderness for forty years, O house of Israel?"
"You also carried along Sikkuth your king and Kiyyun, your images, the star of your gods which you made for yourselves. Therefore, I will make you go into exile beyond Damascus," says the Lord, whose name is the God of hosts.
Amos 5:18-27
Things that I noticed:
1. God is talking to a people that He is bringing judgment on that thought they were doing what He wanted. They are even crying out to Him in the midst of a harsh time and looking forward to "the day of the Lord." Sounds good, right? The problem is this is just an image that they have allowed themselves to pull over their own eyes. They do not realize their own distance from God and His heart. There is an assumed closeness to Him because they are following the Law, but they did not question and challenge the prevailing evil that existed in their midst. They did not stand for the heart of their God. So God does not include them in His remnant and even seems insulted that they would think that they would be spared. In short, they are vastly deceived about their relationship status with Him.
2. Even their worship, in the ways that God Himself designed and appointed for them to follow, was offensive to Him. Six times He says that the worship practices were "yours." This indicates one thing, their heart was not right. Even though they were doing the exact things that God commanded His people to do, they did them to try to remove guilt from themselves and maintain insurance for themselves. He goes so far as to call their worship "noise." He reminds them two verses later that for forty years of the wilderness they did not consistently offer the right sacrifices, but He was in their midst anyway (cross reference Neh. 9:18-21). He had their chores, not their hearts.
3. God desires for His people to be in right relationship with Him in two ways--personally and in ministering to those around us. Justice=ministering to the poor and the oppressed. Righteousness=personal consecration and drawing near to Him. Verse 25 says that He desires for these things to "roll down" and be "ever-flowing." He expects them to be consistent, every day parts of our lives and in abundance.
4. In the last two verses, God points out that they also (now remember that these are the same people that are performing all the sacrifices and other acts of worship) carried their idols with them. Images that they set up for themselves. The comfort that God offered them was not enough, so they kept other images that they set up with them so that they would feel better. That's the part that gets me the most considering all that I have shared about my current personal battle. How could they even possibly think that God would save them from the coming disaster with idols in their pockets, on their mantles and in front of their businesses?
I don't know. Probably the same way that you and I do, except we carry our idols in our hearts too.
I started studying this passage because I was looking into a phrase in the first verse of the next chapter. Now I see just how relevant it is to follow this as it talks about those who sit in an assumed place of position with God, but who are too comfortable to actually go out and look beyond their own interests.
"Woe to those who are at ease in Zion!"
As when a man flees from a lion and and a bear meets him, or goes home, leans his hand against the wall and a snake bites him.
Will not the day of the Lord be darkness instead of light, even gloom with no brightness in it?
"I hate, I reject your festivals, nor do I delight in your solemn assemblies.
Even though you offer up to Me burnt offerings and your grain offerings, I will not accept them; and I will not even look at the peace offerings of your fatlings.
Take away from Me the the noise of your songs; I will not even listen to the sound of your harps."
"But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream."
"Did you present Me with sacrifices and grain offerings in the wilderness for forty years, O house of Israel?"
"You also carried along Sikkuth your king and Kiyyun, your images, the star of your gods which you made for yourselves. Therefore, I will make you go into exile beyond Damascus," says the Lord, whose name is the God of hosts.
Amos 5:18-27
Things that I noticed:
1. God is talking to a people that He is bringing judgment on that thought they were doing what He wanted. They are even crying out to Him in the midst of a harsh time and looking forward to "the day of the Lord." Sounds good, right? The problem is this is just an image that they have allowed themselves to pull over their own eyes. They do not realize their own distance from God and His heart. There is an assumed closeness to Him because they are following the Law, but they did not question and challenge the prevailing evil that existed in their midst. They did not stand for the heart of their God. So God does not include them in His remnant and even seems insulted that they would think that they would be spared. In short, they are vastly deceived about their relationship status with Him.
2. Even their worship, in the ways that God Himself designed and appointed for them to follow, was offensive to Him. Six times He says that the worship practices were "yours." This indicates one thing, their heart was not right. Even though they were doing the exact things that God commanded His people to do, they did them to try to remove guilt from themselves and maintain insurance for themselves. He goes so far as to call their worship "noise." He reminds them two verses later that for forty years of the wilderness they did not consistently offer the right sacrifices, but He was in their midst anyway (cross reference Neh. 9:18-21). He had their chores, not their hearts.
3. God desires for His people to be in right relationship with Him in two ways--personally and in ministering to those around us. Justice=ministering to the poor and the oppressed. Righteousness=personal consecration and drawing near to Him. Verse 25 says that He desires for these things to "roll down" and be "ever-flowing." He expects them to be consistent, every day parts of our lives and in abundance.
4. In the last two verses, God points out that they also (now remember that these are the same people that are performing all the sacrifices and other acts of worship) carried their idols with them. Images that they set up for themselves. The comfort that God offered them was not enough, so they kept other images that they set up with them so that they would feel better. That's the part that gets me the most considering all that I have shared about my current personal battle. How could they even possibly think that God would save them from the coming disaster with idols in their pockets, on their mantles and in front of their businesses?
I don't know. Probably the same way that you and I do, except we carry our idols in our hearts too.
I started studying this passage because I was looking into a phrase in the first verse of the next chapter. Now I see just how relevant it is to follow this as it talks about those who sit in an assumed place of position with God, but who are too comfortable to actually go out and look beyond their own interests.
"Woe to those who are at ease in Zion!"
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Because It's Not Really Mine
I cannot count the amount of times I have read, heard someone else read or preach on, or taught myself the message of the master and the talents. If you have been around Christian circles for any length of time I am sure that this is a familiar passage to you. Talents were money, large sums of money. Given to three servants who invested them to varying degrees. Our talent (our seal, our deposit) is the portion of the Holy Spirit that lives in us and His gifts in our lives. This deposit still belongs to God, and He expects us to do something with it.
It strikes me as I wrestle with demons of comfort, that the wicked servant could easily have been motivated to his actions by comfort. He didn't want to obsess or worry. Maybe he was afraid that he would just use the talent incorrectly and lose his master's money altogether. So he buried it. He didn't even try to use it. I think he did it so that he could have peace and just not have to think about it anymore. There was a certain amount of closure in knowing it was safe until his master returned. I am sure he was comforted by this. So we have this picture of a servant of the master using the entrusted talent to do nothing more than bring himself comfort. Sounds an awful lot like the spiritual masturbation that has gone on in the church and in my life for quite some time.
It is imperative that I keep this truth at the forefront of my mind--HE IS COMING BACK AND HE EXPECTS ME TO HAVE PUT HIS DEPOSIT TO USE!!!
II Tim 2:4 says, "No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier."
It strikes me as I wrestle with demons of comfort, that the wicked servant could easily have been motivated to his actions by comfort. He didn't want to obsess or worry. Maybe he was afraid that he would just use the talent incorrectly and lose his master's money altogether. So he buried it. He didn't even try to use it. I think he did it so that he could have peace and just not have to think about it anymore. There was a certain amount of closure in knowing it was safe until his master returned. I am sure he was comforted by this. So we have this picture of a servant of the master using the entrusted talent to do nothing more than bring himself comfort. Sounds an awful lot like the spiritual masturbation that has gone on in the church and in my life for quite some time.
It is imperative that I keep this truth at the forefront of my mind--HE IS COMING BACK AND HE EXPECTS ME TO HAVE PUT HIS DEPOSIT TO USE!!!
II Tim 2:4 says, "No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier."
Friday, August 12, 2011
Rhema Blasted
I was at work today thinking over a decision I made yesterday. I confronted one of my coworkers that I feel has been verbally abusive to me. In short I told him that I was not his b---- and I did not appreciate being treated like one. He defended his actions by saying that it is just his personality to be that way and by asking him to not do those things I was asking him to not be himself. What a load. He hasn't talked to me at all in the day and half since except to occasionally comment on how little progress I am making on a certain task or mention how slow I am, all in a concerned tone of voice of course. I know what he is doing. He's hiding behind his wall because I called him on his crap and he's taking digs at me to try to get even.
In that setting, I was feeling very low today because it took me a very long time to string one of the wire drawing machines that I work with. Five and a half hours to be precise. I apologized to my supervisor for being so slow. She told me that I would only learn by doing it a lot and over and over.
God immediately rebuked me for it!
He showed me that by apologizing for something that I really had no business being ashamed of that I was agreeing with a false identity the enemy has gotten me to buy into. As the day went on, I continued to consider just how much of a fight I was willing to put up to lay hold of the worth that God is building into me. I had a thought go through my mind about how I've always been shy. God showed me a picture of my son and how gregarious and friendly he is. We definitely have some teaching to do with him about not talking to strangers without mommy and daddy there. Anyway, it struck me before and again today that maybe I wasn't always so shy. Maybe it was something I learned in response to rejection to cope.
II Tim 1:7 clearly came to the front of my mind. It's crazy how a verse that just yesterday I would have discounted as just one more of those things that I've heard already is rocking my world today. You know, the verse that all children in Christian homes learn when they are scared of the boogeyman. " Don't be afraid, Johnny. God has not given us a spirit of fear." Then why am I still so scared mom? Particularly it was the second half of the verse that got me more.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power of love and of a sound mind.
Power, in the context of this passage, means to be bold. Love means to be humble, considerate and not abusing of that power. A sound mind is one that is not confused or divided and is able to discern what the will of the Lord is (to borrow from another scripture), or how to use that power. All these things God has given to me, and to you if your name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.
It occurred to me that I should repent for believing lies for so long then rejoice at the revelation of such a wonderful blessing.
God grant me (us?) the grace and strength to walk in the boldness of Your Spirit. Remove the flesh in me and continue to fill me with more and more of Your Holy Spirit. Thank You Lord for tearing down the work of the enemy in my mind. May You get all the glory.
In that setting, I was feeling very low today because it took me a very long time to string one of the wire drawing machines that I work with. Five and a half hours to be precise. I apologized to my supervisor for being so slow. She told me that I would only learn by doing it a lot and over and over.
God immediately rebuked me for it!
He showed me that by apologizing for something that I really had no business being ashamed of that I was agreeing with a false identity the enemy has gotten me to buy into. As the day went on, I continued to consider just how much of a fight I was willing to put up to lay hold of the worth that God is building into me. I had a thought go through my mind about how I've always been shy. God showed me a picture of my son and how gregarious and friendly he is. We definitely have some teaching to do with him about not talking to strangers without mommy and daddy there. Anyway, it struck me before and again today that maybe I wasn't always so shy. Maybe it was something I learned in response to rejection to cope.
II Tim 1:7 clearly came to the front of my mind. It's crazy how a verse that just yesterday I would have discounted as just one more of those things that I've heard already is rocking my world today. You know, the verse that all children in Christian homes learn when they are scared of the boogeyman. " Don't be afraid, Johnny. God has not given us a spirit of fear." Then why am I still so scared mom? Particularly it was the second half of the verse that got me more.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power of love and of a sound mind.
Power, in the context of this passage, means to be bold. Love means to be humble, considerate and not abusing of that power. A sound mind is one that is not confused or divided and is able to discern what the will of the Lord is (to borrow from another scripture), or how to use that power. All these things God has given to me, and to you if your name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.
It occurred to me that I should repent for believing lies for so long then rejoice at the revelation of such a wonderful blessing.
God grant me (us?) the grace and strength to walk in the boldness of Your Spirit. Remove the flesh in me and continue to fill me with more and more of Your Holy Spirit. Thank You Lord for tearing down the work of the enemy in my mind. May You get all the glory.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Ministering to Myself from an Old Journal
If you are reading my blog for the first time today, God wants you to know that it is not by accident.
God has been constantly reminding me of a poem that I wrote almost ten years ago. I feel compelled to post it here today.
Carbon Monoxide
I'm surprised I'm not already dead
Due to the years I spent under your spell
Day after day worshiping you instead of Him
Thinking that you could be the life that would free me from my personal hell
Still I breathe you in
You have no distinct smell to detect
You blend in with the life giving truth
And slowly you kill with your slight defect
Slower than the obvious
So still I notice you not
Though you never become observably noxious
You are working a sure and steady rot
You make it easy to slumber
Because I've worked so hard to obtain
Convinced that He thought of me merely as a number
Not realizing that it was all in vain
As you creep in silently
Cowardly in the darkness of night
With distortions of the truth you weaken me
By the time I wake you've already stolen my rest, my might
You make me think that living with you is normal
When there is nothing that is farther from the truth
Setting me up to fail under your false expectations
But I've woken to your lack of proof
I'm one of the lucky few
Who had the opportunity to catch a breath of fresh air
I took that opportunity
And rode that wind straight out of your lair
You will not silently kill me
And I'll sound the alarm loud and clear
Saving as many with me
As many as are willing to hear
As many as can be touched
As many as can be awoken
As many as will exchange their phony crutch
As many as will listen to any bit of truth spoken
"Wake up and leave this place!
Breathe no longer the foul air of death!
Come to the clean smell of grace;
Be free from the harsh law and it's stench!"
"Receive the Holy Spirit and His strength
Blowing straight from the mouth of God
The Truth has come that we may have strength
He has come that we may know God!"
I once listened as my youth pastor told our group a quote about religion. It went something like, "Religion is like an inoculation--it's enough like the real thing to protect you from the real thing." I was really struck by the idea that religion is a lot like carbon monoxide. You can sleep yourself to death and not even know it. Many homes now have CO detectors in case the levels become dangerously high. Many times I think that's what it takes to wake us up to the danger we're in, some alarm that breaks us out of our normal life long enough for us to actually question the deception that we have just assumed was the real thing.
The only solution is to breathe deeply of fresh air. We must seek the Holy Spirit no matter what the implications to our social structure, personal life and most of all comfort level. I mean our deep comfort level. You know, the things that we tell ourselves about ourselves so that we can feel like we are accepted by God.
There is no substitute for hearing God speak His acceptance and love over us. If it has been awhile since you last heard God Himself proclaim His love for you, you need to get someplace open (spiritually, not necessarily physically) and get a breath of fresh air.
Lord I ask that You would have mercy on Your people and give us eyes to see and ears to hear that we would not be so easily deceived.
Lord I ask that You would have mercy on Your people and give us eyes to see and ears to hear that we would not be so easily deceived.
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