The Duality of "Why Me?"

Many times, especially recently, I have asked God directly, asked of others or simply wondered to myself, "Why me?"

Why was I abandoned?  Why did You choose me to be so stunted and weak?  Why am I not worthy of being loved and taken care of?  Why did You even allow me to born if You  were just going to make me worse than everybody else?  Is this some kind of cruel joke?

Anyone who can quote scripture can tell you that it is a mistake to ask these questions of God and that once my faith is strengthened I will see the futility of it.

Anyone who has gone through the depths of pain of loss or abuse knows that you can't not ask them.

Grief is a deep vacuum that continues to search for any answer to fill it.  No matter how hard you try to hold in these questions, they will come out one way or another.  It's best to just let them out.  Even though they may never be answered, it lays a foundation of honesty that is essential for moving on, right?

I've grown more comfortable with this concept of just letting myself be free to express or ask whatever I need to of God.  If I don't show Him trust in any other way right now, I think this expression of trust is the one He's looking for anyway.  So as I was again talking with some dear brothers as a release valve recently, another meaning of "why me?" struck me.

We were talking about how there are little to no men in the church that have survived this wound and gone on to live a victorious life.  So why me?

Why am I not in prison?  Why did I not end up completely unable to believe in God at all?  Why have I been able to hang on for so many years even though I feel like a complete reject every day?  Why haven't I abandoned God the way that I feel abandoned by Him so many days?  Why do I have an insatiable drive to love my son well so he never has to face these same wounds instead of abandoning my own family like so many men do in my shoes?  Why do I care about anyone at all besides myself and whatever makes me feel good in the moment?

The other side of "why me?" is the sufficiency of grace in action even when it doesn't seem sufficient to me.

God, You're a little too good at knowing exactly where the line is.