Weeds

I could write about a hundred different topics tonight, but this is the one that is the most clear for now.

I have been reading some in the book The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg.  It is a basic discussion of spiritual discplines in the life of the believer as an avenue of God's strength.  If you're anything like me, you hear the word discipline and get a headache.  All the screeching voices of legalism and the inevitable wounds that follow that religious trap raise the din in my thoughts.  That sound screams to me to run the opposite direction.  You know, something to the tune of, "Get out now!"  It's hard for the person wounded by religion to see the good in the original, untwisted discipline.

As I was reading some of that, something that I say to the kids at work fairly frequently popped in my head again.  God has been gracious to me in helping me to break down spiritual concepts to kids that just don't get more complex or abstract ideas.  Imagery becomes everything.

A lot of those kids really struggle when they finally start to accept that they need to change certain behaviors, and more importantly ways of thinking.  So they start to do what we tell them is necessary for success in life and try to change their behaviors, but they are usually still very skeptical.  They want to be recognized for the decision that they have made, but have yet to put much behind it.  They expect their reputations to change overnight.  The frustration that follows when this ridiculous and predictable outcome expectancy does not come true is blinding to the person in the middle of it.  "I did what I was supposed to.  Why don't I feel better now?  I'm just confused."

Here's where my grand knowledge of horticulture comes in.  Weeds.  They suck.  They grow up fast, can be incredibly hard to pull up without damaging nearby desirable growth and can be incredibly hard to tell apart from that growth at times.  I begin to tell them that their past life is a bed full of weeds.  They have just now begun to pull weeds and plant good things.  They can not expect to pull up a life time of weeds in one sitting and it will take months/years for the new things that have been planted to grow and mature.  In short, you spent a lot of time sowing to your flesh.  It's going to take some time to get it gone and sow to the spirit so you can reap some spiritual things instead.  Your reputation will not change overnight.  Neither will your feelings instantly align with how you think they should be.  Right choices always bring right emotions, but not always right away.

So it is for me with disciplines of the spirit.  Undisciplined areas are overgrown and sometimes I think I should  just do a controlled burn.  I don't think that would form the image of Christ in me though, which is the desired outcome.  He didn't take the easy way out, and He doesn't leave that as an option for His children.  The fact that I see this season of work as "bad" is indeed an indicator of my spiritual lack of maturity and understanding.  Anything that forms Christ in us and purifies us is the greatest goal to seek after.  So why do I whine so much when He gives me what I have prayed for so many times?

I really identified with a section in the above mentioned book where the author starts talking about peak and trough seasons in our relationship with God.  I mostly see the peak times as the good times and feel somehow less holy or worthy when a trough season comes around.  I think my feelings deceive me though.  I can't really say it better than C.S.Lewis, so I think I will just end with a quote:

But He never allows this state of affairs to last long.  Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives.  He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties that lost all relish.  It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature that He wants it to be.

Out of the darkness...

Melissa and I went running again today in the gym.  This time Maz came along and "chased" us.  It was encouraging because this time it went like this:  run ten, walk one, run four, walk one, run four, walk five.  I noticed a significant increase in my "wind" and my back didn't hurt at all until the very end instead of the whole time.  My wife really knows how to encourage me to push myself without judging me when I need a break, too.  What a blessing she has been to me in this.  It's awesome when you realize that God has already provided all that you need, and it's been right in front of you all along.

On a similar note, a while back I started to notice God highlighting to me a yearning to be stronger and to have a heart that truly cared more about the things of His Kingdom than for the things of this world.  I told Him that I wanted Him to do whatever it took to make it happen.  My friend Rusty swears that is the stupidest prayer of all time because he got into a motorcycle accident and broke both of his legs the day after he prayed it, but he also is much closer to God than he was then.  I knew that it was going to get uncomfortable to say the least when He decided to take me up on this, and I prayed it anyway.  And I meant it.

No surprise a couple months later I've really been struggling to feel like God is there.  Some days, when the thoughts would come into my head that maybe I've just been fooling myself all along, maybe He doesn't even exist, maybe He is just this idea that I bought into because I can't bear to face reality, I actually considered them instead of just "standing firm in faith."  It was horrible.  Living in that kind of darkness really is maddening.  I swear a couple of nights while driving home from work I thought my brain was going to snap in half.  I don't think I've ever been closer to the edge of insanity, or at least not as aware of it.  Have you ever been so lost that you wondered if maybe God was just tired of your worthless failings and was content to let you try to crawl back to Him on your own?  Or die alone in the desert like a faithless former slave?  Let me tell you, I don't think I've ever felt so hopeless.  This is especially trying when you have spent most of your life living in bondage to one specific thing and finally broken free by the magnificent grace of God, only to find out that you have once again gone to where you said you would never go again.

Was it real?  Was I ever really free?  God, I thought you gave me the strength to be done with this, why does it seem like I can't resist anymore?  I can only do what's right when You are with me.  I can not resist without You.  Why have You cast me away from Your presence?  Don't You love me anymore?  Why don't You want to be with me anymore?

Darkness is always scary, no matter if you know it's coming or not.

It's impossible to know what to do next when you have no bearings.

Except cry.  Sooner or later someone has to hear, right?  Funny that early on in this process God reminded me of a verse in Ps. 31.  Verse 22 says, "In my alarm I said I am cut off from Your sight!  Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help."  Well I have definitely been feeling some alarm lately.

My battle against my compulsions in the past was directly related to the shame that I carried.  Shortly after God ministered to me that He was not ashamed of me and I finally understood the totality of His acceptance, I then became aware that fear would be the next wound that would have to be faced and dealt with.  I would say that all the feelings and questions chronicled above qualify as some serious fear, not to mention the rejection issues I've talked about in other posts.

Man, that was a tough section to write.  (Seriously, I had to stop to cry a time or two in there.)

On to something not so depressing.  The light at the end of the tunnel, the eventual end to running in fear from cave to cave, the overwhelming joy of once more catching a breath of fresh, wind blown air after being locked in a dank dungeon for what seemed like an eternity.

While doing church at my house with my wife and a couple of God sent brothers in the Lord, I felt God prompting me to just let go the floodgates of emotion, frustration, and confusion.  I cried a lot less than I usually do in these situations and had one of those moments of epiphany as I recounted some of the things that God had been doing through me at my job throughout this whole messy season of death.  The moment of revelation came!  God Himself revealed His purposes to this unworthy, frail clay pot.  His glory was again shown to others even in my weakest of moments.  He had been steadily working through me to point my focus outward.  His point?  It's not about me.  (anti-climactic and cliche, I know, but true)

Just like He brought persecution to the apostles so that they would scatter as a catalyst to the spreading of the gospel, He would not allow me to perceive Him anywhere but in ministering to others.  I accept.  I will come for You, and I will find You.  I will see You in others and I will be You as You give me strength.

Yeah, and that fear thing really starts to break apart when even all darkness gets used to show forth light.  What is there really left to fear?  The process of the skin of fear chipping and breaking off of me is fully under way.  Soon, very soon, no obstacle will hold me back from the will of God--spreading His light and destroying the works of darkness.  Life just got a whole lot more exciting and my faith just got a whole lot stronger.

Lastly, that painful craziness that felt like crawling over hot, broken glass in the dark, it was worth every second to get here.  Out of darkness...  and getting darkness out of me.

Hard, but Good.

That's what she said.  Sorry, couldn't resist.

On to more important matters-I went running today with my wife.  We did about twenty-five laps around a gym in a nearby church that gave us permission to run there.  I think it looked more like run five, walk one, run two, walk one, run two, walk one, run two, walk one, run two, walk one, run two, walk four and a half.  That's still fifteen laps ran, and I feel pretty good about that for a first day.  It took us a little over fifteen minutes.  I'm not thin yet, but I know that if I continue even at this meager level that it will help.  Even better, I know that I am obeying God.

On a similar note, I put in an application online yesterday (with plenty of help from my wife on the resume part).  I know that putting in one application doesn't even sound worth it to most people, and quite honestly I don't expect to ever be called by that company, but at least I put in for a job that is closer to home that I might qualify for.

Jumping around, my wife and I had a meeting at the home of a possible benefactor for The Den last night.  He invited a pastor friend and both of their wives were there as well.  We discussed the building we hope to have purchased for The Den, possible salary figures for Melissa, and (here's the kicker) what it would take salary wise for me to be able to quit my job and fully devote myself to The Den as well.  Absolutely nothing is finalized, or even close to actually being started in regards to purchasing property or receiving funds for the expenses, but it sure felt good to sit down and talk with the people that could make it happen and see that their hearts are with us.  It was one of those body of Christ moments for me.  I got to link up with some very different parts that what I am used to being connected with and see how we could possibly be working together to accomplish God's will.  (It was during this meeting that Melissa and I got permission to run in the gym, too.  The pastor friend just so happened to be the guy we needed to talk to so we could use that gym.  Kinda funny how God hooks things up some times.)

I have often heard the phrase, "God works in mysterious ways."  No denying that, but I once had a friend amend it a bit, and it stuck with me.  He said, "God works in mysterious and obvious ways together."  That way we know that we could never have done it, and we know that He did it for no other reason than his love for us and His own glory.  On a day like today, I have to say that I agree.

Till I Have a Face

I cannot run from my running anymore.  

It is becoming apparent to me that my relapse starts way before I ever realize that it is underway, which is the classic case.  I don't even think my "not good enough" thinking is even the wound that causes any of this.  It is a simple symptom that springs from the process.  I think my real struggle starts not when God points to something that He wants me to do and I feel like I can't do it, but more accurately that He shows me His will for me and I say, "I don't want to do that."  I cannot escape that sooner or later the dread will come.  Life will never be about what I want.  He will tell me to do something that absolutely makes my heart drop.  I will again be faced with the choice to obey or say that I can't, when I just really, really don't want to face the discomfort of whatever the task at hand may be.  Could there be a dying more complete than when you realize that you have made an enemy of your supposed beloved for the sake of your own comfort?  How low.

Still, He does not curse me to crawl and eat dust for the rest of my days.  That curse is reserved for another.  He calls me on to take His hand and ascend to His presence.  He calls me to this by doing the very thing that He asked me to do in the first place.  To simply trust that anything He asks of me is somehow for my own good.  To believe that there is no need to fear any of His commands, only disobeying them.  Oh, that my reverence of Him that I call my Lord were great enough to slay my fears that continually control my life and bind me.

The irony of my situation is that one of the things that I believe God wants me to do is run, or more appropriately to lose weight and get in shape.  So again I say:

I cannot run from my running anymore.

Firsts

I'm blogging my first entry of the year.  My first entry on my recently acquired laptop that was a gift from my mom and her husband after I recently installed my first operating system from scratch and it's running fine.  I think this will also be the first time for me to publicly say that I am in relapse.

Relapse means to fall, slip, slide, or blatantly return to old behavior.  My understanding of the first step to getting out of relapse is to admit that you are in relapse.  The second is to ask for help.  I need it.  I find myself in this place where I have completely lost control of my emotions.  Not that I am flying off the handle and hitting walls and screaming, but I definitely have no idea what I am going to feel next.  Life sucks living in the land of confusion.

 My wife told me one day that she thought I was depressed.  I blew her off.  Who wants to admit that?  Or even consider it?  I still don't think she's right, but who knows.  All I know is that I have returned to old ways of coping with stress.  I don't even know what is truly causing me the stress that I can't handle.  Car trouble, job worries and dissatisfaction, feelings of worthlessness, feeling cut off from God, disappointment in myself for my lack of faith, loneliness?  They are all great candidates.  Maybe it's just the fact that for the zillioneth time in my life I am faced with not being good enough.  I thought that I had left my need to be perfect behind, but it seems that my mandate is most certainly, "I must not fail."

Well, I have failed.  I've failed to be perfect.  I've failed in ways that I dare not list here.  One thing I've succeeded in is being consistently vague.  Anyway, there, it's off my chest.  Again.  I suck.

I'm not looking for sympathy.  I'm not trying to be dramatic.  I just believe that God will somehow be glorified through me living my life out in the open, struggles and all.  That said, any prayer on my behalf is appreciated.