Full of All the Wrong Things

I have a neighbor that has worked at my job for over nine years.  I believe his word on my behalf played a large part in me getting hired.  We exchange pleasantries often as I see him slowly limping across the plant.  When we crossed paths today I was furious over being wrongly accused of doing a poor job on a cleaning task yesterday and getting thrown under the bus by some coworkers, so when he asked me how I was doing I just said, "Pissed!"  As I explained a little of the situation, he just looked at me and smiled.  He reminded me that he had told me about days like this before I started working there.  He looked at my shoulders and told me to do the same.

"Look at those shoulders.  Those are broad shoulders.  Remember, Mike, God won't put anything on you that you can't handle."

Just a few sentences is all it took to diffuse my anger and move on with my day.  How greatly I long for a man of wisdom who can see the good in me to be there for me.  I think I discovered another link in the chain of painful memories today.  None of the men that have been role models for me have ever seen the good in me as being bigger than the drawbacks of my weaknesses.  I've not been a strong heart with a few wrinkles to be ironed out.  I've been a project.  I've been a broken and battered mess of insecurities that has disappointed everyone that has ever counted on me for anything.  (Past tense intentional.)

Through all this mess, I have to believe that something amazing is on the other side and that I will make it to wherever that other side is.

For now, this song captures a lot of how I feel.

Shadows by Red

Sunset, I close my eyes
I pretend everything's alright
Drowning in anger from all these lies
I can't pretend everything's alright

Please don't let me fall forever
Can you tell me it's over?

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

Caught in the darkness, I go blind
But can you help me find my way out?
Nobody hears me.  I suffer the silence
Can you tell me it's over now?

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

I'm holding onto you
I'm holding onto you

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows