Over the last week and a half several nuggets have dropped into my heart in weird and "random" moments. My head has been pretty cloudy lately so I haven't been up to trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words for the world to see. That said, I need to get some of this stuff out there so I can start proclaiming some of it, being held accountable to some of it and just plain old vent the rest of it.
1. My current priority choice is between peace and fun. What is more important? If something cracks me up, but is built on things that displease God, it's just not worth it anymore. God never promised me that I would have fun everyday, but He did promise me peace. Even vegging out while playing sudoku instead of seeking Him for comfort from a rough day at work is something I am being convicted of recently. Peace allows us to leave behind the mistakes of the past, get sure footing in the present and walk confidently into the future. Fun, though it definitely has its' place in the kingdom, many times is just about feeling good now and doesn't always care about purity.
2. To me, boredom=loneliness. I was an only child of a single mother for the first seven years of my life. By the time my mother married and had another child I was little more than a babysitter to my sister. I spent a lot of time being by myself and bored as a child when mom just didn't have enough energy left to entertain me. After she married, her husband got a lot of her attention, and when my sister was born, forget about it. As this has been uncovered, I see a lot clearer why entertainment has been such a huge stronghold as it ties into comforting myself.
3. Perfectionism goes way deeper in me than I ever realized. Anytime something doesn't go right at work, or in my marriage, or just in life in general, I own guilt over it. I feel like somehow, someway it's my fault. It spills over into the way I approach God and my basic level of functioning as head of my household. I know this is ludicrous, but it's what goes on in my heart. Without even thinking I respond as though it is my responsibility to fix whatever is wrong, especially when this something going wrong involves the displeasure of an authority figure or peer that talks down to me. If it is something that is beyond me to fix, I can't even begin to explain the overwhelming sense of shame that sweeps over me. I think this is why I have consistently avoided anything that is new and challenging for years.
4. There is no way forward except direct intentional connection with God and the body of Christ. It will not just happen. I must risk. I must push. I must fight. I must go out into the world and come home covered in grime and let Him clean me. I will acquire battle scars and wear them proudly. Through all I must be hooked into the vine and I Must Bear Fruit for His Kingdom.
To those of you that are my body, I love you and I need you now more than ever.
To my Lord, I covet the holiness that You are implanting. Keep digging Lord and please expose the lies of the enemy. Bring Your truth and cut away anything that does not bear fruit. I need You, Holy Spirit, to do the revealing work that only You can do. May this life somehow bring You glory.
I trust You Lord to bring forth justice and to not put out a smoldering wick. (Isaiah 42:1-4)
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