I was at work today thinking over a decision I made yesterday. I confronted one of my coworkers that I feel has been verbally abusive to me. In short I told him that I was not his b---- and I did not appreciate being treated like one. He defended his actions by saying that it is just his personality to be that way and by asking him to not do those things I was asking him to not be himself. What a load. He hasn't talked to me at all in the day and half since except to occasionally comment on how little progress I am making on a certain task or mention how slow I am, all in a concerned tone of voice of course. I know what he is doing. He's hiding behind his wall because I called him on his crap and he's taking digs at me to try to get even.
In that setting, I was feeling very low today because it took me a very long time to string one of the wire drawing machines that I work with. Five and a half hours to be precise. I apologized to my supervisor for being so slow. She told me that I would only learn by doing it a lot and over and over.
God immediately rebuked me for it!
He showed me that by apologizing for something that I really had no business being ashamed of that I was agreeing with a false identity the enemy has gotten me to buy into. As the day went on, I continued to consider just how much of a fight I was willing to put up to lay hold of the worth that God is building into me. I had a thought go through my mind about how I've always been shy. God showed me a picture of my son and how gregarious and friendly he is. We definitely have some teaching to do with him about not talking to strangers without mommy and daddy there. Anyway, it struck me before and again today that maybe I wasn't always so shy. Maybe it was something I learned in response to rejection to cope.
II Tim 1:7 clearly came to the front of my mind. It's crazy how a verse that just yesterday I would have discounted as just one more of those things that I've heard already is rocking my world today. You know, the verse that all children in Christian homes learn when they are scared of the boogeyman. " Don't be afraid, Johnny. God has not given us a spirit of fear." Then why am I still so scared mom? Particularly it was the second half of the verse that got me more.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power of love and of a sound mind.
Power, in the context of this passage, means to be bold. Love means to be humble, considerate and not abusing of that power. A sound mind is one that is not confused or divided and is able to discern what the will of the Lord is (to borrow from another scripture), or how to use that power. All these things God has given to me, and to you if your name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.
It occurred to me that I should repent for believing lies for so long then rejoice at the revelation of such a wonderful blessing.
God grant me (us?) the grace and strength to walk in the boldness of Your Spirit. Remove the flesh in me and continue to fill me with more and more of Your Holy Spirit. Thank You Lord for tearing down the work of the enemy in my mind. May You get all the glory.
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