Years ago a mentor was praying over me and God gave him an analogy of needing to stay in the flock when under attack. He said I would be able to avoid the wolves by getting in the flock. Part of this word included identifying the alpha male of the pack that was trying to eat me alive as being, I Can't. Man, did I come face to face with that sucker today. I don't know how many times I failed at work today. Over and over again. I tried to come home and pray and get with the Shepherd, but I was so shaken up and angry by the way my day went that it took forever to get my head even a little bit straight. I guess I should have called someone instead.
Today just reinforced all my fear of failure issues. Every time I fail, especially when I am criticized or ridiculed for it as was the case with my coworkers today, it's like I'm defenseless. I did my best on that frickin machine today, I swear, but I still just couldn't get it done. I didn't have what it took. In it's simplest form, I was wrong. So with every comment or snide glance my heart took another blow. It's like being held down and beaten because there is nothing I can do to make it stop. My emotions just come in moments like these. I know that God is with me, but I can't make myself have peace. The hurt screams louder than any other voice.
I feel like something was taken from me and I don't know how to get it back. I'm falling apart and I know that I'm not seeing things right. I can't go back to where I was before. I have to find a way forward. I have to find out who I really am to Him so I won't be so easily shaken. Why is it so hard for me to believe in moments like this that God wants that way more than I ever have? Why does pain cloud my judgment and mental capability so much? Is there hope that I can hang on long enough for rescue to come and truth to free me from this prison? When will I truly be able to believe Phil 4:13? When can I stop feeling guilty for being so weak?
Please pray for me. My pray-er seems to be broke.
Praying. And we'll see if we can't get that pray-er functional again.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to sifting through it all on Saturday. Looks like 4pm on account of Byron working. Give me a call if you need anything in the meantime.
Much better today. Work was still tough, but I had a very real peace settle over me once I got home. I didn't accomplish much of anything, but I think that's okay for today. Thanks for your support.
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