A dear brother texted me a word from God this week. It was something along the lines of the correlation between how he saw himself in relation to God and how that reflected on how he treated his son. He challenged me to allow myself to see God's view of me as the same as my view of Maz. He specifically said that God is amazed by me. This was hard for me to accept in that moment. I have always accepted the theology that God is a good Father, but my experience has been so removed from that. I have to admit that I have lived according to other beliefs. As I have struggled with my set of abandonment issues, me not being good enough has been at the center of it. Things like how I always let God down and slip into sin, how I just don't have that great of faith, and how I just can't perform like someone who is in love with Jesus should have been at the forefront of my thoughts.
Many times in the past week or two I have been amazed at my son and how his personality is developing. His own sense of humor is starting to emerge instead of just completely mirroring mine or Melissa's. I love it! The passion that I have to love him relentlessly and represent the love of a good father to him fuel me to never let a day go by without expressing my love to him and to let him know that he is special. Today, as we were walking in to my in-laws', I had one of those moments where he just said something so awesome to me that I welled up with love and actual amazement that my son is soooo stinkin, well, amazing!
I told him that I love him. I told him that I am so glad that I get to be his dad. I told him that I think he is just awesome and that being his dad is one of the best things in the whole world for me.
My brother's comment was quickened in my mind and heart at that moment. I almost started bawling right there. (One more moment where emotion that I would gladly have lived in for awhile was brought on in a moment that was not very conducive to it.) I pushed it down, but held on to the thought that God must love me at least that much.
I have known and tried desperately to hold to the belief that all this darkness and hurt coming to the surface recently was God revealing something that He wanted to rip out of my life and destroy. It's performance.
I am not a slave or a hired hand.
I AM A SON!
I got an answer to one of my why questions today. Why do I have such a passion to be a good father when so many other unfathered men end up being unfaithful dogs just spreading seed and moving on? I have a heart for my son because it is God's chosen portion of Himself that has been given to me. It is His reflection to me of who He is. I can trust this part of my heart because it is directly from Him. I can trust that even in my imperfect state, God's love for me is at least as strong as my love for my son.
My love for him is the purest and most selfless love that I personally know and understand. I don't think I ever really understood love until after he was born. Something amazing was born in my heart at the same time that he was born into this world.
I understand my son. I know when he is pushing the lines and when he is just being a kid. I am patient with him. I seek for opportunities to expand his knowledge of what is appropriate and what is over the line in all areas of life. Most of all, I just love him. I love to spend time just making him laugh because there is no greater sound in all the world to me than the delighted laughter of my son. (That is not hyperbole.) I love holding him close in a huge squeezy hug until he's like, "Alright, dad. Let me down."
That's what I am to God.
I am His son.
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