The Father Loss

Back in August, it was recommended to me to go through this book.  I was almost offended at seeing myself as a victim, but I could not argue with some of the insights about my behaviors that matched up with classic victim mentalities.  I've never been abused sexually or physically.  I struggle to call the things that have hurt me verbal abuse.  I do admit to being neglected.  None the less, I started to read and have slowly pressed onward as it started to hit more at home.

My conclusion so far:  the deprivation of a resource, substance, or ability that is necessary for healthy development is just as damaging as purposeful abuse in that it leaves the victim at a loss at how to go through life.

God is called our Father for a reason.  This is His design.  When a child grows up in a home with a loving father, it is natural for that child to understand that God is for them.  It fits for them.  It just makes sense.  God chose parents (both mother and father) to carry a part of His image.  Why would He do that if not to build into us from birth who He is?  His design, His plan is horribly marred when one of these elements is absent.  I can only speak from the aspect of the missing father because that is what I have experienced, but I would love to hear from anyone who has had the experience of dealing with the abandonment of a mother so I can better understand.

I never met my biological father.

He abandoned me from before birth.

My image of God is damaged because of this.

Just like my physical body would be underdeveloped if I spent my whole life getting little to no protein, my ability to understand God as a father and relate to Him is feeble at best and barely alive at its most accurate.  I have absolutely no idea how I am even able to still cling to the hope of one day knowing Him as a Holy Father.  I desire it so badly, but I constantly push Him away based on my skewed perceptions or just plain run away and "hide."  How am I supposed to run this marathon of life with a broken leg?  I understand that there are many out there that share my circumstance.  The problem for me is that I don't personally know any of them that are my age or older and that have successfully recovered from it.  I feel that much more alone and disadvantaged because God remains silent other than to tell me to keep digging and there is no one here to help lead the way through the darkness.  There is no one that has gone before me to impart to me the necessary wisdom to survive.  In my sphere of experience, I am blazing a trail and I hate it.

Never knowing your father seems very similar to me to losing a loved one.  It is a loss and it must be grieved.  So I share my grief here as I process it and will hopefully share my healing as God brings it.