Unnatural

Earlier this week I was posed the question, “What do you hope for?”  Hope as in the way a pregnant woman hopes for the birth of her healthy child.  What is it that makes all the pain and discomfort worth it?  What would you like to see birthed in your life?  Dread immediately set in.  I hate questions that I don’t know the answer to because I feel stupid. 

I have no idea what I hope for!  Or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to admit what I dare not hope for. 

I thought I would just sit down with my journal and write out a few things.  You know, sit down quietly alone and jot down a few cleverly devised ideas once I could calm myself enough to find some peace.  No such luck.  The quiet alone time never really came.  I don’t think the cleverness was really ever there. 

I found my answers in the midst of a totally crappy night at work.  As I asked a coworker to help me calm down after a resident got under my skin, I expected to get some comfort or at least good advice.  He told me to ask myself why that kid’s actions got to me so much.  It started there and continued through the rest of the night.  I had to again point the finger at my own heart and ask myself what was so wrong with me that some kid’s arrogant defiance would shake me so much. 

Once again, the answer is heart breaking for me.    I’m scared.    I’m scared of everything from getting hit in the face to simple confrontation.  I hate the unknown.  It is regularly the source of questions that I don’t have answers to.  If I don’t know what to do, I’m paralyzed.  I’m so tired of feeling this way. 

Why out of fight or flight do I almost always pick flight?  What makes it so easy for some people to knuckle up so naturally? 

I hope for God to teach me how to fight and to pick every battle that my heart says is right. 

I hope to be someone completely other than who I am now.

I hope for courage.