Good Grief, Child of God!

Is it possible to experience loss as your soul dies?  By soul I mean the psuche that Jesus says we must let die and even crucify to inherit zoe--eternal life.  If so, is there any possibility that this feeling of loss is holy and a part of what God intends?  Regardless, I know that today I feel as though something is dying and being lost.  I don't know what it is, but I know that my heart is heavy and weighed down.

I once heard it said that dying doesn't really hurt.  It is that part of us that still lives that feels the pain.

It's that whole "sheep to the slaughter" thing that I think is so unnatural to me.  I've heard the comparison of flesh to spirit being the same as a pig dying to that of a sheep.  Whereas the sheep will allow you to lead it anywhere and just stand there while you slit it's throat, a pig will squeal and resist and will often need to be tied up and hung upside down from a tree so that it's throat will remain exposed.  Over these past few weeks, I've seen a lot of pig in my responses.  I don't mean rebellion, active manipulation or anything like that.  It's actually been quite the contrary.  I have asked God to help me submit and that He would have His way in my life many times lately.  What strikes me is that even my attempts to take the correct posture to God have an element of making the pain stop at their heart.  Do I really want to glorify God and do whatever it takes to please Him in His holiness and completely other reality?  Or do I just want to give the right answers on the test and get the passing grade so that I can go home and forget this subject?

I have absolutely no idea where I stand with God because I have not been able to perceive Him at all for some time now.  All I do know, is that something is dying and my soul is grieved.  In the midst of this grief, I remain His son.  His utterly confused and frustrated son, but His none the less.  I wonder if this is at all how Abraham felt as he left the safety and familiarity of all he knew to enter the land of the promise of God.  I do know that he had to cross a desert to get there, but he was called the friend of God for it.