Attributions

Yesterday, I learned about the role that attributions play in the life of an addict.  In the world of addiction, an attribution is whatever the blame is placed on for the addictive behavior when the addict is called to account.  I.E.:  when a drunk driver hits a tree they might say, "Well this road really should be four lanes instead of two and that tree shouldn't still be there.  If these road crews would do their jobs, I wouldn't have hit it in the first place."  It's the crew's fault, or the tree's fault for being there.  

It could never be my fault, and it most definitely could not possibly have anything to do with the fact that I was drinking.  I know how to hold my liquor!  I only had a few.  I've driven this way hundreds of times and never hit anything.  I was going perfectly straight.  That breathalizer must be defective.  There is no way that I was drunk.  

Anything is possible except for accepting blame.  Anything except for admitting that you are at fault.  It's not just for the sake of dodging consequences, though it seems that way.  Most addicts that have been at it for any length of time have amassed huge penalties for their screw ups, but just keep at it anyway.  No, the blame shifting has something much more basic yet subtle at its heart.  

If I haven't done anything wrong, then I don't have to ask myself why I did it.  I don't have to search for the cause of the dysfunction.  I don't have to search my heart for wrong motives, and above all I don't have to admit that my drug influenced me to do something detrimental or even harmful.  

As an addict that is what I simply cannot do:  admit that my drug is bad and causes me to make bad decisions.  

As soon as that reality is unleashed, the entire illusion that everything is just fine falls completely apart.  If I have to admit that there is something most definitely wrong with my current amount of use of a certain drug, then I must admit that stopping that use is in my best interest.  An addict will always seek to protect their addiction until this denial is broken.  

I recently watched a movie where a woman stood in front of her friends next to her husband of fourteen years and announced that they were getting a divorce with a smile on her face.  She just kept telling her friends that everything would be alright, even as her husband was in obvious distress right next to her.  How could someone be that dense?

The answer is found in a further examination of her story and derived identity.  She was a successful and renowned therapist, author and speaker.  She was used to helping all of her friends solve their problems.  She placed the burden of perfection on her own shoulders so that she would be “qualified” to help others.  It became her entire identity.  Years earlier in her story, she lost her son in a car accident.  She had not properly buckled him in the car seat.  She blamed herself for the death of her son and could not deal with that grief because it was in direct opposition to her identity of the stable and perfect one.  She was the one that had to have it all together.  How could she tell others how to be better people if she had to admit serious problems in her life.  So instead she stuffed it and denied it. 

Her addiction was perfection. She was addicted to her image.   Her attribution was that she had to be perfect and she blamed everyone that she perceived expected her be perfect. 

By believing that she had to maintain that “has it all together” image, it protected her from having to face her painful reality.

So what are my attributions?  Maybe I don’t eat healthy because the FDA doesn’t force food companies to put out healthier food, right?  Yeah, I’ve seen Food, INC.  It’s their fault.  Or maybe it’s because healthy food is too expensive and my job doesn’t pay me enough.  Bastards!  Yeah, it’s my employer’s fault.  Maybe I don’t exercise because gyms are too expensive and full of judgmental meat heads.  Yeah, my employer’s fault again and the jerks at the gym.  Maybe I don’t engage in free exercise because it’s too public and other people look at my jiggly self in a judgmental way.  Jerks!  Now it’s their fault.  Anything is possible to protect the addiction.  My addiction is not food.  It’s laziness and comfort.  And maybe some acceptance still.  I hate rejection.

Not to mention all the excuses I’ve used over the years to justify looking at porn.  I could easily double the length of this post just listing those. 

 There are so many more unhealthy things that we just don't want to give up or refuse to allow ourselves to even see as unhealthy.  Codependent relationships, dysfunctional family traditions, manipulation to get our way at the cost of those we love are just the few that pop up right away.  My point is, the same way that the drunk  guy really believes that it's the tree's fault for being in the wrong spot, maybe we have things that we actually believe that are just as far off that have been developed as some sort of defense mechanism.  

So what are your attributions?  What do you absolutely refuse to admit just might be true because you can’t possibly bear to face the implications of that reality.  What are you so afraid of dealing with that you would rather deny it all together?  What is your whistling in the dark covering up?  

This is my prayer:

Psalm 139

  ²³ Search me, God, and know my heart; 

   test me and know my anxious thoughts. 
  ²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, 
   and lead me in the way everlasting.


And God give me the strength to face whatever you turn up and the grace to move beyond all shame.