I cannot run from my running anymore.
It is becoming apparent to me that my relapse starts way before I ever realize that it is underway, which is the classic case. I don't even think my "not good enough" thinking is even the wound that causes any of this. It is a simple symptom that springs from the process. I think my real struggle starts not when God points to something that He wants me to do and I feel like I can't do it, but more accurately that He shows me His will for me and I say, "I don't want to do that." I cannot escape that sooner or later the dread will come. Life will never be about what I want. He will tell me to do something that absolutely makes my heart drop. I will again be faced with the choice to obey or say that I can't, when I just really, really don't want to face the discomfort of whatever the task at hand may be. Could there be a dying more complete than when you realize that you have made an enemy of your supposed beloved for the sake of your own comfort? How low.
Still, He does not curse me to crawl and eat dust for the rest of my days. That curse is reserved for another. He calls me on to take His hand and ascend to His presence. He calls me to this by doing the very thing that He asked me to do in the first place. To simply trust that anything He asks of me is somehow for my own good. To believe that there is no need to fear any of His commands, only disobeying them. Oh, that my reverence of Him that I call my Lord were great enough to slay my fears that continually control my life and bind me.
The irony of my situation is that one of the things that I believe God wants me to do is run, or more appropriately to lose weight and get in shape. So again I say:
I cannot run from my running anymore.
Good word. If this is about obedience, I can't make you take the spirtiual leap. But first things first: we can begin the physical run together in a couple weeks :)
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