Out of the darkness...

Melissa and I went running again today in the gym.  This time Maz came along and "chased" us.  It was encouraging because this time it went like this:  run ten, walk one, run four, walk one, run four, walk five.  I noticed a significant increase in my "wind" and my back didn't hurt at all until the very end instead of the whole time.  My wife really knows how to encourage me to push myself without judging me when I need a break, too.  What a blessing she has been to me in this.  It's awesome when you realize that God has already provided all that you need, and it's been right in front of you all along.

On a similar note, a while back I started to notice God highlighting to me a yearning to be stronger and to have a heart that truly cared more about the things of His Kingdom than for the things of this world.  I told Him that I wanted Him to do whatever it took to make it happen.  My friend Rusty swears that is the stupidest prayer of all time because he got into a motorcycle accident and broke both of his legs the day after he prayed it, but he also is much closer to God than he was then.  I knew that it was going to get uncomfortable to say the least when He decided to take me up on this, and I prayed it anyway.  And I meant it.

No surprise a couple months later I've really been struggling to feel like God is there.  Some days, when the thoughts would come into my head that maybe I've just been fooling myself all along, maybe He doesn't even exist, maybe He is just this idea that I bought into because I can't bear to face reality, I actually considered them instead of just "standing firm in faith."  It was horrible.  Living in that kind of darkness really is maddening.  I swear a couple of nights while driving home from work I thought my brain was going to snap in half.  I don't think I've ever been closer to the edge of insanity, or at least not as aware of it.  Have you ever been so lost that you wondered if maybe God was just tired of your worthless failings and was content to let you try to crawl back to Him on your own?  Or die alone in the desert like a faithless former slave?  Let me tell you, I don't think I've ever felt so hopeless.  This is especially trying when you have spent most of your life living in bondage to one specific thing and finally broken free by the magnificent grace of God, only to find out that you have once again gone to where you said you would never go again.

Was it real?  Was I ever really free?  God, I thought you gave me the strength to be done with this, why does it seem like I can't resist anymore?  I can only do what's right when You are with me.  I can not resist without You.  Why have You cast me away from Your presence?  Don't You love me anymore?  Why don't You want to be with me anymore?

Darkness is always scary, no matter if you know it's coming or not.

It's impossible to know what to do next when you have no bearings.

Except cry.  Sooner or later someone has to hear, right?  Funny that early on in this process God reminded me of a verse in Ps. 31.  Verse 22 says, "In my alarm I said I am cut off from Your sight!  Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help."  Well I have definitely been feeling some alarm lately.

My battle against my compulsions in the past was directly related to the shame that I carried.  Shortly after God ministered to me that He was not ashamed of me and I finally understood the totality of His acceptance, I then became aware that fear would be the next wound that would have to be faced and dealt with.  I would say that all the feelings and questions chronicled above qualify as some serious fear, not to mention the rejection issues I've talked about in other posts.

Man, that was a tough section to write.  (Seriously, I had to stop to cry a time or two in there.)

On to something not so depressing.  The light at the end of the tunnel, the eventual end to running in fear from cave to cave, the overwhelming joy of once more catching a breath of fresh, wind blown air after being locked in a dank dungeon for what seemed like an eternity.

While doing church at my house with my wife and a couple of God sent brothers in the Lord, I felt God prompting me to just let go the floodgates of emotion, frustration, and confusion.  I cried a lot less than I usually do in these situations and had one of those moments of epiphany as I recounted some of the things that God had been doing through me at my job throughout this whole messy season of death.  The moment of revelation came!  God Himself revealed His purposes to this unworthy, frail clay pot.  His glory was again shown to others even in my weakest of moments.  He had been steadily working through me to point my focus outward.  His point?  It's not about me.  (anti-climactic and cliche, I know, but true)

Just like He brought persecution to the apostles so that they would scatter as a catalyst to the spreading of the gospel, He would not allow me to perceive Him anywhere but in ministering to others.  I accept.  I will come for You, and I will find You.  I will see You in others and I will be You as You give me strength.

Yeah, and that fear thing really starts to break apart when even all darkness gets used to show forth light.  What is there really left to fear?  The process of the skin of fear chipping and breaking off of me is fully under way.  Soon, very soon, no obstacle will hold me back from the will of God--spreading His light and destroying the works of darkness.  Life just got a whole lot more exciting and my faith just got a whole lot stronger.

Lastly, that painful craziness that felt like crawling over hot, broken glass in the dark, it was worth every second to get here.  Out of darkness...  and getting darkness out of me.