All in My Head

So if you haven't noticed, when I created this blog I replaced the pursuit of happiness with the body of Christ.  Both clever and meaningful in my own mind.  Unfortunately, my mind is as far as I seem to be able to make this switch.  I know in my mind that there is nothing more important than Christ and dying to myself for His Bride.  I don't do any of the things in my daily life that accomplish this.

I don't share the gospel with the lost.

I don't pour over the scriptures in search of spiritual food and the nourishment of my soul.

I don't visit prisoners, listen to widows tell me stories about the good old days or do their yard work.

I don't spend time with fatherless boys showing them how to be a man.

I rarely even do the dishes for my wife or turn off the tv long enough to play a game with my son.

I do exactly what my stepdad always did.  I come home from an exhausting day at work and fall into a pattern of comforting myself.  Eat, watch tv, play games, listen to music, and basically anything that allows me to live according to how I feel and hide away from truth for one more day.

Not only is this driving me crazy, but I think I'm actually starting to kill myself slowly.  I always thought life would get better as I got older, but entropy is in full effect in my heart.  I care less about everything good just about every day.  I still have huge hurts in my heart that just won't go away.  I am as selfish of a man as there can be.  Everything I do is somehow motivated by escaping pain or comforting myself.  Everything!

When I think about what I could do to change my life, I just get paralyzed inside.  Get rid of your xbox and tv.  Get rid of the internet.  Get a phone that only has talk and text.  Put yourself out there and pursue a job that doesn't make you feel worthless.  Stop taking shortcuts and compromising your integrity at the job you have now.  It all just seems so hard because I think about what I will be left with.  Nothing.

No guaranteed way to feel something good anyway.  It will all be based on others to take care of my feelings, and I don't really trust anyone anymore.  I don't trust God. I don't trust my friends to care for me in any depth, and I don't even trust my wife.  My feelings and perceptions form my reality.  A reality that I know deep down is flawed and broken to the highest degree.  I just don't know how to lay it aside long enough for God to show me who He really is and I am scared that when I do, He just won't do anything.  The quietness of God when I look for Him is the worst feeling I know.  Instead of healing the wounds in my heart, it makes them worse.  I know that God can't be wrong and I must be.  I just can't seem to break past my feelings.

I can only hope that God is still working some unseen plan to set me free from all that blinds me, because if it just comes down to sink or swim, I think I'm going to sink.