Hate Male

DISCLAIMER:

My father-in-law recently asked me to write a letter containing what I would say to my biological father as if he would receive it.  This is what came out.  I was mostly concerned with the catharsis of the process and just let it all spill out.  I did not want to interrupt the flow of my thoughts for the sake of making them more polished or clean.  I want to share this with those that will read this and help pray me through my search for who I am in Christ not who I am in the flesh.  There are some curse words that I HAVE NOT edited.  If that offends you, don't read any more.  

Dad,

I hate you.  I have nothing but utter contempt when I think of you.  I hate you for what you have done.  You entered into an adulterous relationship with my mother to please your flesh and bailed on us both when you found out she was pregnant.  You left us for your real family.  All my life has been spent bearing the scarred heart of a boy that was too worthless to be considered your son. 

I hate you for what you passed on to me.  All your cowardice and fear you gave to me.  You reproduced a coward.  All my life I’ve been afraid, and I never had anyone there to help me face my fears because your punk ass decided to run away like a little bitch.  I hate you for being a lustful pervert and for passing on the same legacy to me.  My only connection to you is that I am your bastard, born out of your sin.  I hate you for skipping out on the consequences of your choices and instead leaving me to suffer a lifetime of them for you.  How can you even call yourself a man? 

I hate you for the multitude of ways that you were never there.  You never tucked me in.  You never comforted my broken heart.  You never taught me how to fight or what was worth fighting for.  You never taught me how to respect a woman.  You never taught me how to seek God with my whole heart.  You never taught me how to be confident.  You never told that I could do anything I put my mind to.  You never told me that I was the apple of your eye.  Because of you, I have never known what it is to be the favored son.  I never adventured out as a cowboy.  I never fought as a warrior and I never loved with selflessness.  You never showed me how.  So how can I call myself a man when no one showed me how to be one?

I guess there is one thing you taught me, how to hate.  And just like you, I despise myself.  I can’t stand all of the you that I see in myself.  All of the ways that I just don’t measure up just about kill me some days.  How many days have there been where I just wanted to be dead rather than feel so worthless for one more day?  I hate you for not even caring how it would make me feel to be without you. 

For the debt that you left in your wake, for all that you owe me, I hate you. 

I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!