Stake in the Ground

Life is full of simple choices that have far greater importance than they appear to at first.  It's really been on my heart to do something as a family to get and keep us on the same page.  I've been absolutely astounded at the internal resistance I experience to developing simple disciplines.  So today, as soon as I got home from work and the fam was home from school, we sat down to read two chapters in the Bible and pray together.

I explained to my son what devotions were and why being devoted to God was important.  He tracked as well as a boy his age can as far as I could tell.  When it came time to pray together, Maz got really bashful.  He had this immediate resistance when I told him that we were all going to take turns praying out loud.  I remembered being terrified of saying the wrong thing or somehow messing up when asked to pray when I was younger.  I don't think I got over this until my junior year in high school when I started attending a daily prayer meeting before school.  I don't want my son to live in fear of talking to God. I pray that he doesn't struggle with law and perfectionism the way I have.

So I pushed him.... gently.  

I told him prayer was just talking to God about what was on his heart and that the only thing that mattered was that his prayer came from his heart.  It could be short, the words didn't have to sound good, it just needed to be out loud and from his heart.

My son prayed for a kid at his school that has been mean and bossy to him lately.  He asked God to help this other child be nice to the other kids at school.

I stumbled into a motivation for reading my Bible everyday.  I look forward to many more of these simple moments with both my son and wife over the coming years.

May God have his rightful place of priority in my home.

Hate Male

DISCLAIMER:

My father-in-law recently asked me to write a letter containing what I would say to my biological father as if he would receive it.  This is what came out.  I was mostly concerned with the catharsis of the process and just let it all spill out.  I did not want to interrupt the flow of my thoughts for the sake of making them more polished or clean.  I want to share this with those that will read this and help pray me through my search for who I am in Christ not who I am in the flesh.  There are some curse words that I HAVE NOT edited.  If that offends you, don't read any more.  

Dad,

I hate you.  I have nothing but utter contempt when I think of you.  I hate you for what you have done.  You entered into an adulterous relationship with my mother to please your flesh and bailed on us both when you found out she was pregnant.  You left us for your real family.  All my life has been spent bearing the scarred heart of a boy that was too worthless to be considered your son. 

I hate you for what you passed on to me.  All your cowardice and fear you gave to me.  You reproduced a coward.  All my life I’ve been afraid, and I never had anyone there to help me face my fears because your punk ass decided to run away like a little bitch.  I hate you for being a lustful pervert and for passing on the same legacy to me.  My only connection to you is that I am your bastard, born out of your sin.  I hate you for skipping out on the consequences of your choices and instead leaving me to suffer a lifetime of them for you.  How can you even call yourself a man? 

I hate you for the multitude of ways that you were never there.  You never tucked me in.  You never comforted my broken heart.  You never taught me how to fight or what was worth fighting for.  You never taught me how to respect a woman.  You never taught me how to seek God with my whole heart.  You never taught me how to be confident.  You never told that I could do anything I put my mind to.  You never told me that I was the apple of your eye.  Because of you, I have never known what it is to be the favored son.  I never adventured out as a cowboy.  I never fought as a warrior and I never loved with selflessness.  You never showed me how.  So how can I call myself a man when no one showed me how to be one?

I guess there is one thing you taught me, how to hate.  And just like you, I despise myself.  I can’t stand all of the you that I see in myself.  All of the ways that I just don’t measure up just about kill me some days.  How many days have there been where I just wanted to be dead rather than feel so worthless for one more day?  I hate you for not even caring how it would make me feel to be without you. 

For the debt that you left in your wake, for all that you owe me, I hate you. 

I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

Teth

This is where I want my heart to be.


Psalm 119:65-72

⁶⁵ You have dealt well with Your servant,

O Lord, according to Your word.

⁶⁶ Teach me good ^[z] discernment and knowledge,

For I believe in Your commandments.

⁶⁷ Before I was afflicted I went astray,

But now I keep Your word.

⁶⁸ You are good and do good;

Teach me Your statutes.

⁶⁹ The arrogant ^[aa]have forged a lie against me;

With all my heart I will observe Your precepts.

⁷⁰ Their heart is ^[ab] covered with fat,

But I delight in Your law.

⁷¹ It is good for me that I was afflicted,

That I may learn Your statutes.

⁷² The law of Your mouth is better to me

Than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

Back in the Saddle Again... or Maybe for the First Time

A couple weeks ago I started seeing a counselor for the third time in my life.  My motivation was to get some outside perspective on some of the open doors to the enemy's  activity in my soul.  We met at Culver's and talked for about an hour and a half.  Most of the conversation felt like I just met one more person who was concerned with my behavior and how simple it should be for me to just do better.  Awesome, more condemnation, just what I need.  I persisted to plead that all of the discipline in the world doesn't help you feel less rejected by God.  By the end of our time together he suggested that I just burn it all down and start over.  If I struggle so much with simple faith, maybe I just needed to approach God like a child and ask Him for it.  Ask for the gift of faith and know that it can only be received, never earned or "done right."

I spent a few times praying with this mindset.  I prayed the only real prayers I could muster and trying to ask God for what I needed without ordering Him around or treating Him like Santa Claus.  I read some in Romans this Saturday because I took on the responsibility of sharing the Word at my church gathering with a couple of my brothers.  It started that I only did it because I didn't want to let them down.  It ended up filling me up and strengthening my faith.  Did I mention that I nodded off several times while reading two chapters and ended up just going to sleep for two hours after I thought I read what I needed to,

Yesterday, while I was working, God spoke to me about receiving faith from Him as a gift.  He asked me if Maz could ever earn my love.  It hit me all at once that I have been trying to give God a reason to want me when he already birthed me.  I wanted to have a child before Maz was ever born and chose to follow the necessary steps to bring him into this world, because I wanted him.  I love him because he is mine.  No other reason.  My son can ask me for anything reasonable and I will get it for him or show him how to get it himself without even thinking.

This is the start of me believing for real that God is not like my earthly examples of fatherhood, but that I am in a poor way like He is perfectly.  He is all loving and kind, with nothing but my best in mind.  He will give me good gifts, not because I deserve them, but because I am His.

Holiness and faith are two of these gifts.  Holiness is a gift.  It cannot be earned, only received.

This is mind shattering for me.

I am holy because I am His.

His acceptance is not wavering or partial.

God has given me an amazing gift in my son in so many ways and now I have only to look at my love for him when I need assurance of God's love for me.   It's not even about me anymore, it's about my son.

From the Archives

I have been reading a book this week that has set on my shelf  for a decade.  I picked it up during my time in Master's Commission and got next to nothing out of it back then because I just wasn't spiritually mature enough to understand.  It smacked me in the face this time through and I couldn't even finish the first chapter on my first read.  Below are two of the paragraphs that I have been chewing on the most.  Oh yeah, the book is called Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God.

At some phase in each of our lives, we all will be confronted with the impurities of our hearts.  The Holy Spirit reveals our sinfulness, not to condemn us but to establish humility and deepen the knowledge of our personal need for grace.  It is at this crossroad that both holy men and hypocrites are bred.  Those who become holy see their need and fall prostrate  before God for deliverance.  Those who become hypocrites are they who, in seeing their sin, excuse it and thus remain intact.  Though all men must eventually stand at this junction, few are they who embrace the voice of truth; few are they indeed who will walk humbly toward true holiness.

Now for round two:

Jesus Christ did not come to condemn the world but to save the world.  Anyone can pass judgment, but can they save?  Can they lay down their lives in love, intercession and faith for the one judged?  Can they target an area of need, and rather than criticizing, fast and pray, asking God to supply the very virtue they feel is lacking?  And then, can they persevere in love-motivated prayer until that fallen area blooms in godliness?  Such is the life Christ commands we follow!

Quite a bit to chew on for me, simple as it is.  I guess my most present sinfulness is that I just don't want to give everything.  I want to protect myself against God because I don't trust that He won't push me beyond what I can bear.  I don't really believe that I will be more fulfilled after sacrificing all my comforts.  I need grace to see God for who He really is and to forsake this world and it's comforts.

I love the second quote for two reasons.  It does not focus on my hurts or needs.  It moves the focus outward.  After months of introspection, I conclude that outward focus is essential for my own mental health as well as my spiritual health.  Do I still need to deal with my own inward struggles?  Absolutely!  I am meeting with my mother tomorrow to talk about some things that have been bothering me for years, but it is with the intention of putting them to rest so I can move on.  Despite other unresolved issues, life should be about doing whatever I can to make the world around me better.  It should be about following Jesus' example and putting others first.

Lighter Fare

Most of my blogging recently (when I actually do it anymore) has been very dark or somber.  I had a great weekend with some friends and was able to share a greatly anticipated experience around my game table Saturday night, and I thought it was worth posting something fun.

 If you're close to me, you know that I have been talking about this game for months.  I'm not even going to try to be a game reviewer or cover anything in depth.  I just want to share how playing the game made me feel.  This game is something totally new to the gaming world.  My jerkface buddy Caleb won the first game by convincing me to help weaken the guy that was in the lead followed by Caleb going in for the kill.  I never saw it coming.  In this game, when you win it has rewards that go beyond just that game.  You get to make powerful decisions that reshape the board forever.  Even the losers get to affect the board in smaller ways.  It is so fun to play a board game that evolves.  For me, it's all about discovery, and beyond that, sharing that discovery with my brothers.

So for my guys that let me share this with you, thank you.  It lifted my spirits.  For my brothers that couldn't make it this time, maybe in a couple weeks.