Full of All the Wrong Things

I have a neighbor that has worked at my job for over nine years.  I believe his word on my behalf played a large part in me getting hired.  We exchange pleasantries often as I see him slowly limping across the plant.  When we crossed paths today I was furious over being wrongly accused of doing a poor job on a cleaning task yesterday and getting thrown under the bus by some coworkers, so when he asked me how I was doing I just said, "Pissed!"  As I explained a little of the situation, he just looked at me and smiled.  He reminded me that he had told me about days like this before I started working there.  He looked at my shoulders and told me to do the same.

"Look at those shoulders.  Those are broad shoulders.  Remember, Mike, God won't put anything on you that you can't handle."

Just a few sentences is all it took to diffuse my anger and move on with my day.  How greatly I long for a man of wisdom who can see the good in me to be there for me.  I think I discovered another link in the chain of painful memories today.  None of the men that have been role models for me have ever seen the good in me as being bigger than the drawbacks of my weaknesses.  I've not been a strong heart with a few wrinkles to be ironed out.  I've been a project.  I've been a broken and battered mess of insecurities that has disappointed everyone that has ever counted on me for anything.  (Past tense intentional.)

Through all this mess, I have to believe that something amazing is on the other side and that I will make it to wherever that other side is.

For now, this song captures a lot of how I feel.

Shadows by Red

Sunset, I close my eyes
I pretend everything's alright
Drowning in anger from all these lies
I can't pretend everything's alright

Please don't let me fall forever
Can you tell me it's over?

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

Caught in the darkness, I go blind
But can you help me find my way out?
Nobody hears me.  I suffer the silence
Can you tell me it's over now?

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

I'm holding onto you
I'm holding onto you

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master
I tried to save you, but I can't find the answer
I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go
I need you with me as I enter the shadows

Release? What's That?

For about the hundredth time in the past few months, God chose to reveal more of my hurt and the thoughts that go along with it right in the middle of my work day.  I was very frustrated with the way my day was going and spending way too much time trying to get one machine up and running.  Just when I thought I could see the finish line, more complications.  Wire snapping for no reason, bad test results which means adjustments and a complete retest and a metal snake that starting uncoiling which meant I had to start a certain process completely over with a new snake.  To top this all off, I've had a lot of anxiety about moving to second shift soon.  The manager is very strict, my coworker can't stand me as evidenced by his constant condescending and degrading comments, and I don't really like him either. Not to mention that I probably won't see my wife much and my son even less.  So today I heard through the grapevine that I will be moving to second next week.

In the midst of this I felt a voice say in a kind of buddy-buddy way, "It's ok.  You're going to make it."

My immediate response?

No I won't.  I'm not strong enough.  I can't do it.  I'll never be good enough.  No one will ever really want me.

This happened in my head in less than a second.  It's just inside me.  It's how I really fell about myself.  It's what  my experiences have taught me are true.

Pretty par for the course for what I've been feeling and trying to dig through lately.  What I think frustrates me even more is that it keeps happening while I'm at work.  I just want to cry, but I take a deep breath and shove all that feeling back to the depths it came from so I can continue on with my job.  I could never let those jerks I work with see me cry.  They would eat me alive.  They already tell me how weak I am all the time.  The problem is that by the time I get anywhere safe enough to try to sort stuff out, I'm left with this lingering heaviness, but the tears just won't come.  I just can't find any satisfying way to get this crap out.  I'm emotionally constipated.

God sure has a really funny way of setting people free.  It's getting really bloody in here.  I just don't get it.

I wish so badly that I could accept Him as the Father... as the Daddy that I soooo desperately need.  I just don't have any point of reference.  I only know there must be something to fill this void in my heart.


I have nothing else but to hold onto the hope that I will one day be guided into a life of fruitfulness and peace.

Cornered

My wife is a generally cheerful person.  She almost always is smiling, especially when she is with other people.  To say that violence and powerful demonstrations of anger go against who she is at her core is the understatement of the century.  In the over eight years that we have been married, I have only seen her yell in anger a handful of times.  This only happens with some pretty serious provocation.

One such time was during the labor of giving birth to our son.  She was two weeks past her due date.  We arrived at the hospital so they could start inducing labor at nine in the morning.  By seven or eight at night things were getting pretty intense.  She opted for the epidural.  If you don't know what that is, they take a needle full of drugs and inject it directly into a specific point in your spine so that you lose general feeling from a certain point in body on down to your toes.  It is very important that this injection not be too high in the spine because then it can cause respiratory problems.

When Melissa was getting her shot, the woman administering it kept telling Melissa to bend forward and arch her back as much as possible, thus making it easier to get between the vertebrae and safely give the medication.  So she would lean forward, while sitting on the edge of a hospital bed with way too many people around and having contractions about every minute and a half, and the woman would just keep telling her she needed to arch her back more.  I have no idea how hard it is to arch your back while leaning over a huge pregnant belly during a contraction, but I am absolutely sure that it is not easy.  Eventually Melissa lost it and started yelling as loud as she could, "I am!  I can't arch my back any more!  I already am!!!"  I was quite taken aback because I had never seen her be angry like that and we had been married three years at that point.  I think if she hadn't been giving birth and half naked she probably would have punched that lady in her mouth.

I tell this story because I identify with it.  No, not with the pregnant part, but with the frustrated to the point of uncontrollable anger part.  The few times in my wife's life that I have witnessed her "lose it" have all had a common theme--being told that it was necessary for her to do something that she did not think was possible for her to do.

So much of my life is spent feeling guilty over the things that I can't do or can't stop doing.  It saps my strength and motivation.  I wonder what would happen if I just stopped focusing on what I can't do and started to do with passion the things that I can do.

I cannot control the wind.  I cannot make God be present in such a way that I feel it.

I can believe that He is here anyway.  I can remember that even though the sun sets it will rise again.

I cannot stop my flesh from wanting what it wants with fleshly efforts.

I can feed my spirit while I wait for God to set me free in His own timing.

I cannot make others relate to me in a way that I never feel rejected or undervalued.

I can stop owning that this makes me worth less (space intentional).

I cannot make myself feel saved, holy, good, woth it, valued, loved, or wanted.

I can trust in spite of my feelings.  (Yes, this is the hard one.  Feelings are everything to me.)

I am going through a lot of internal struggle right now.  I constantly feel worthless and any time I delve into my feelings, I just want to weep.  I believe God is uncovering something right now, but I still don't fully know what it is.  So when I scream, "I already am.  I just can't do any better!" please forgive my anger.  I just don't know how else to process my emotions right now.  I expect though, that just like my wife, something amazingly valuable is about to be birthed and it will all be worth it.