A couple weeks ago I started seeing a counselor for the third time in my life. My motivation was to get some outside perspective on some of the open doors to the enemy's activity in my soul. We met at Culver's and talked for about an hour and a half. Most of the conversation felt like I just met one more person who was concerned with my behavior and how simple it should be for me to just do better. Awesome, more condemnation, just what I need. I persisted to plead that all of the discipline in the world doesn't help you feel less rejected by God. By the end of our time together he suggested that I just burn it all down and start over. If I struggle so much with simple faith, maybe I just needed to approach God like a child and ask Him for it. Ask for the gift of faith and know that it can only be received, never earned or "done right."
I spent a few times praying with this mindset. I prayed the only real prayers I could muster and trying to ask God for what I needed without ordering Him around or treating Him like Santa Claus. I read some in Romans this Saturday because I took on the responsibility of sharing the Word at my church gathering with a couple of my brothers. It started that I only did it because I didn't want to let them down. It ended up filling me up and strengthening my faith. Did I mention that I nodded off several times while reading two chapters and ended up just going to sleep for two hours after I thought I read what I needed to,
Yesterday, while I was working, God spoke to me about receiving faith from Him as a gift. He asked me if Maz could ever earn my love. It hit me all at once that I have been trying to give God a reason to want me when he already birthed me. I wanted to have a child before Maz was ever born and chose to follow the necessary steps to bring him into this world, because I wanted him. I love him because he is mine. No other reason. My son can ask me for anything reasonable and I will get it for him or show him how to get it himself without even thinking.
This is the start of me believing for real that God is not like my earthly examples of fatherhood, but that I am in a poor way like He is perfectly. He is all loving and kind, with nothing but my best in mind. He will give me good gifts, not because I deserve them, but because I am His.
Holiness and faith are two of these gifts. Holiness is a gift. It cannot be earned, only received.
This is mind shattering for me.
I am holy because I am His.
His acceptance is not wavering or partial.
God has given me an amazing gift in my son in so many ways and now I have only to look at my love for him when I need assurance of God's love for me. It's not even about me anymore, it's about my son.
