I swear I'll never be content. I have so much to be thankful for.
God is speaking to me again in a way that I can clearly hear.
I just got hired at a promising job with great long term benefits.
I was able to resign from a job that I felt like God has wanted me to leave for months.
I have several great friends and people that love me in my life.
My son is amazing, only outdone by the mother that brought him to me.
God loves me and is telling me again and again that no matter how challenging and trying the next phase of my life might be, that He will be with me. The confirmations that I need to have peace continue to rain in on my soul.
So why the negative tone?
I have just come out of one of the nastiest storms that I have ever faced. I went almost nine months feeling like I was in complete darkness with virtually no connection to God. My last direction from Him was that He was going to bring me a job and that I wasn't even going to have to look for it. He told me to speak of it loud and proud so that He would be glorified when it came about. I did so pretty boldly for about two weeks. Then I tried to deal with the sadness and wait patiently for the next few months. Just hold on, it can't be much longer. I failed. I let go. I gave up.
I must have heard wrong. Of course it's absolute foolishness to think that God would bring me a job. Everyone knows that it's just your flesh trying to deceive you. Quit being so lazy and get off your ass and look for a job.
Still, with my despair, it's over. My neighbor heard that I was cut back on hours at work and really in a bind. He put in a good word for me where he works and really encouraged me to give it a shot. About one week later I have applied, interviewed and have been hired. I can start as soon as they get the results of my drug screen back later this week or early next week.
God comes through again. It came to me. All I had to do was obey once He pointed the way. How awesome is He?
I just can't stop feeling akin to the disciples after Jesus rebukes them in the boat. Ye of little faith? Seriously? They thought they were going to die. He was asleep on them. It sure felt like God was asleep on me for quite a while. The mistake is to forget who was sleeping. He's GOD! If He says, "Get in the boat. We are going to the other side." then we will end up on the other side. The boat could sink, we might have to swim, He might let us walk on water, I think He's been known to part bodies of water a time or two, who cares He could even make us float twenty feet in the air or simply teleport us there, but we will end up on the other side.
So despite a deep gratitude and peace, more than anything for being restored to His presence, I can't help but grieve that I let Him down. I didn't brag about His ability to do what He said nearly enough. I let fear take me and blamed Him multiple times of not even caring about me. I did everything shy of disown Him in my own weakness and inability to handle the pressure.
The more of my life I spend with God the more I realize that I will never be able to be certain of anything. Anything except His love for us. For me.
It is enough and it is worth it.
I only wish that I were strong enough to make Him proud. I want so badly to not fail in these moments of trial. I want to be the one that can stand in the face of the storm and laugh in unshakable confidence in my Lord. I'm tired of being the coward who just wants the bad feelings to go away.
For now, I stand on the other side and I leave my shame where it belongs, in His hands in the middle of the sea. Thank God for the sea of forgetfulness.
No looking back. It will only ruin the blessings ahead. Time to move on with Him.
