Release? What's That?

For about the hundredth time in the past few months, God chose to reveal more of my hurt and the thoughts that go along with it right in the middle of my work day.  I was very frustrated with the way my day was going and spending way too much time trying to get one machine up and running.  Just when I thought I could see the finish line, more complications.  Wire snapping for no reason, bad test results which means adjustments and a complete retest and a metal snake that starting uncoiling which meant I had to start a certain process completely over with a new snake.  To top this all off, I've had a lot of anxiety about moving to second shift soon.  The manager is very strict, my coworker can't stand me as evidenced by his constant condescending and degrading comments, and I don't really like him either. Not to mention that I probably won't see my wife much and my son even less.  So today I heard through the grapevine that I will be moving to second next week.

In the midst of this I felt a voice say in a kind of buddy-buddy way, "It's ok.  You're going to make it."

My immediate response?

No I won't.  I'm not strong enough.  I can't do it.  I'll never be good enough.  No one will ever really want me.

This happened in my head in less than a second.  It's just inside me.  It's how I really fell about myself.  It's what  my experiences have taught me are true.

Pretty par for the course for what I've been feeling and trying to dig through lately.  What I think frustrates me even more is that it keeps happening while I'm at work.  I just want to cry, but I take a deep breath and shove all that feeling back to the depths it came from so I can continue on with my job.  I could never let those jerks I work with see me cry.  They would eat me alive.  They already tell me how weak I am all the time.  The problem is that by the time I get anywhere safe enough to try to sort stuff out, I'm left with this lingering heaviness, but the tears just won't come.  I just can't find any satisfying way to get this crap out.  I'm emotionally constipated.

God sure has a really funny way of setting people free.  It's getting really bloody in here.  I just don't get it.

I wish so badly that I could accept Him as the Father... as the Daddy that I soooo desperately need.  I just don't have any point of reference.  I only know there must be something to fill this void in my heart.


I have nothing else but to hold onto the hope that I will one day be guided into a life of fruitfulness and peace.