Hate Male

DISCLAIMER:

My father-in-law recently asked me to write a letter containing what I would say to my biological father as if he would receive it.  This is what came out.  I was mostly concerned with the catharsis of the process and just let it all spill out.  I did not want to interrupt the flow of my thoughts for the sake of making them more polished or clean.  I want to share this with those that will read this and help pray me through my search for who I am in Christ not who I am in the flesh.  There are some curse words that I HAVE NOT edited.  If that offends you, don't read any more.  

Dad,

I hate you.  I have nothing but utter contempt when I think of you.  I hate you for what you have done.  You entered into an adulterous relationship with my mother to please your flesh and bailed on us both when you found out she was pregnant.  You left us for your real family.  All my life has been spent bearing the scarred heart of a boy that was too worthless to be considered your son. 

I hate you for what you passed on to me.  All your cowardice and fear you gave to me.  You reproduced a coward.  All my life I’ve been afraid, and I never had anyone there to help me face my fears because your punk ass decided to run away like a little bitch.  I hate you for being a lustful pervert and for passing on the same legacy to me.  My only connection to you is that I am your bastard, born out of your sin.  I hate you for skipping out on the consequences of your choices and instead leaving me to suffer a lifetime of them for you.  How can you even call yourself a man? 

I hate you for the multitude of ways that you were never there.  You never tucked me in.  You never comforted my broken heart.  You never taught me how to fight or what was worth fighting for.  You never taught me how to respect a woman.  You never taught me how to seek God with my whole heart.  You never taught me how to be confident.  You never told that I could do anything I put my mind to.  You never told me that I was the apple of your eye.  Because of you, I have never known what it is to be the favored son.  I never adventured out as a cowboy.  I never fought as a warrior and I never loved with selflessness.  You never showed me how.  So how can I call myself a man when no one showed me how to be one?

I guess there is one thing you taught me, how to hate.  And just like you, I despise myself.  I can’t stand all of the you that I see in myself.  All of the ways that I just don’t measure up just about kill me some days.  How many days have there been where I just wanted to be dead rather than feel so worthless for one more day?  I hate you for not even caring how it would make me feel to be without you. 

For the debt that you left in your wake, for all that you owe me, I hate you. 

I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

Teth

This is where I want my heart to be.


Psalm 119:65-72

⁶⁵ You have dealt well with Your servant,

O Lord, according to Your word.

⁶⁶ Teach me good ^[z] discernment and knowledge,

For I believe in Your commandments.

⁶⁷ Before I was afflicted I went astray,

But now I keep Your word.

⁶⁸ You are good and do good;

Teach me Your statutes.

⁶⁹ The arrogant ^[aa]have forged a lie against me;

With all my heart I will observe Your precepts.

⁷⁰ Their heart is ^[ab] covered with fat,

But I delight in Your law.

⁷¹ It is good for me that I was afflicted,

That I may learn Your statutes.

⁷² The law of Your mouth is better to me

Than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

Back in the Saddle Again... or Maybe for the First Time

A couple weeks ago I started seeing a counselor for the third time in my life.  My motivation was to get some outside perspective on some of the open doors to the enemy's  activity in my soul.  We met at Culver's and talked for about an hour and a half.  Most of the conversation felt like I just met one more person who was concerned with my behavior and how simple it should be for me to just do better.  Awesome, more condemnation, just what I need.  I persisted to plead that all of the discipline in the world doesn't help you feel less rejected by God.  By the end of our time together he suggested that I just burn it all down and start over.  If I struggle so much with simple faith, maybe I just needed to approach God like a child and ask Him for it.  Ask for the gift of faith and know that it can only be received, never earned or "done right."

I spent a few times praying with this mindset.  I prayed the only real prayers I could muster and trying to ask God for what I needed without ordering Him around or treating Him like Santa Claus.  I read some in Romans this Saturday because I took on the responsibility of sharing the Word at my church gathering with a couple of my brothers.  It started that I only did it because I didn't want to let them down.  It ended up filling me up and strengthening my faith.  Did I mention that I nodded off several times while reading two chapters and ended up just going to sleep for two hours after I thought I read what I needed to,

Yesterday, while I was working, God spoke to me about receiving faith from Him as a gift.  He asked me if Maz could ever earn my love.  It hit me all at once that I have been trying to give God a reason to want me when he already birthed me.  I wanted to have a child before Maz was ever born and chose to follow the necessary steps to bring him into this world, because I wanted him.  I love him because he is mine.  No other reason.  My son can ask me for anything reasonable and I will get it for him or show him how to get it himself without even thinking.

This is the start of me believing for real that God is not like my earthly examples of fatherhood, but that I am in a poor way like He is perfectly.  He is all loving and kind, with nothing but my best in mind.  He will give me good gifts, not because I deserve them, but because I am His.

Holiness and faith are two of these gifts.  Holiness is a gift.  It cannot be earned, only received.

This is mind shattering for me.

I am holy because I am His.

His acceptance is not wavering or partial.

God has given me an amazing gift in my son in so many ways and now I have only to look at my love for him when I need assurance of God's love for me.   It's not even about me anymore, it's about my son.

From the Archives

I have been reading a book this week that has set on my shelf  for a decade.  I picked it up during my time in Master's Commission and got next to nothing out of it back then because I just wasn't spiritually mature enough to understand.  It smacked me in the face this time through and I couldn't even finish the first chapter on my first read.  Below are two of the paragraphs that I have been chewing on the most.  Oh yeah, the book is called Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God.

At some phase in each of our lives, we all will be confronted with the impurities of our hearts.  The Holy Spirit reveals our sinfulness, not to condemn us but to establish humility and deepen the knowledge of our personal need for grace.  It is at this crossroad that both holy men and hypocrites are bred.  Those who become holy see their need and fall prostrate  before God for deliverance.  Those who become hypocrites are they who, in seeing their sin, excuse it and thus remain intact.  Though all men must eventually stand at this junction, few are they who embrace the voice of truth; few are they indeed who will walk humbly toward true holiness.

Now for round two:

Jesus Christ did not come to condemn the world but to save the world.  Anyone can pass judgment, but can they save?  Can they lay down their lives in love, intercession and faith for the one judged?  Can they target an area of need, and rather than criticizing, fast and pray, asking God to supply the very virtue they feel is lacking?  And then, can they persevere in love-motivated prayer until that fallen area blooms in godliness?  Such is the life Christ commands we follow!

Quite a bit to chew on for me, simple as it is.  I guess my most present sinfulness is that I just don't want to give everything.  I want to protect myself against God because I don't trust that He won't push me beyond what I can bear.  I don't really believe that I will be more fulfilled after sacrificing all my comforts.  I need grace to see God for who He really is and to forsake this world and it's comforts.

I love the second quote for two reasons.  It does not focus on my hurts or needs.  It moves the focus outward.  After months of introspection, I conclude that outward focus is essential for my own mental health as well as my spiritual health.  Do I still need to deal with my own inward struggles?  Absolutely!  I am meeting with my mother tomorrow to talk about some things that have been bothering me for years, but it is with the intention of putting them to rest so I can move on.  Despite other unresolved issues, life should be about doing whatever I can to make the world around me better.  It should be about following Jesus' example and putting others first.

Lighter Fare

Most of my blogging recently (when I actually do it anymore) has been very dark or somber.  I had a great weekend with some friends and was able to share a greatly anticipated experience around my game table Saturday night, and I thought it was worth posting something fun.

 If you're close to me, you know that I have been talking about this game for months.  I'm not even going to try to be a game reviewer or cover anything in depth.  I just want to share how playing the game made me feel.  This game is something totally new to the gaming world.  My jerkface buddy Caleb won the first game by convincing me to help weaken the guy that was in the lead followed by Caleb going in for the kill.  I never saw it coming.  In this game, when you win it has rewards that go beyond just that game.  You get to make powerful decisions that reshape the board forever.  Even the losers get to affect the board in smaller ways.  It is so fun to play a board game that evolves.  For me, it's all about discovery, and beyond that, sharing that discovery with my brothers.

So for my guys that let me share this with you, thank you.  It lifted my spirits.  For my brothers that couldn't make it this time, maybe in a couple weeks.

I'm Terrified of Needing You

Please don't let my lack of reciprocation or seeking push you away.  All of my deepest wounds are based in rejection.  Every time I reach out, ask for help or even vaguely position myself to need you, I open myself up to be hurt again in the way that for me defines what it means to hurt.  So as I lay in bed, wired on the coffee I drank so that I would have enough alertness to enjoy time with my wife and two close friends, I realize that I desperately try to position myself to not need anyone and continually fail miserably at it.

Though I am unworthy of you, I need you.  Though I push you away, I need you.  Though I don't give you the credit you deserve and argue with you when you try to bring me truth, I need you.  Though I disqualify you in my mind as I find any flaw at all with your logic, attitude or execution of your motives, I need you.

I am not Uncle Sam, and I don't just want you, I need you.  I won't make it without you.  If you are a follower of Christ and God placed you in my life, I need you.  You are God's grace to me, and I desperately need you.

When What I Know Wrestles with My Deepest Fear

I had a conversation with my wife late last week that was largely about how I was doing in regards to being depressed.  I've been struggling a lot lately.  The following thoughts were the result of that conversation.

In John 6, Jesus reaches a pretty critical turning point in His ministry.  Up until this chapter, everything is about drawing people in.  At this point, He calls many of His disciples out on just wanting to see signs and goes so far as to say that they only believe because He filled their bellies.  He made their lives more physically comfortable so they think that He will continue to do things for them.  Even as He tries to turn their vision to something greater, they ask for a sign as proof of this greater thing.  His desire to know each and every one of them intimately becomes obvious.  He is pained by their desire to try to squeeze Him into the old current system.

It is obvious to those of us with the privilege of hindsight and the context of His ultimate sacrifice on the cross.  Was it really so obvious for them though?  I don't think it was at all.  Even His disciples that had been following him for awhile said that it was a hard teaching.  Translation= "What the heck is He talking about?"  Most of them ended up turning away.  Then the moment that defines this chapter for me occurs.  Jesus turns to the twelve and asks if they are going to leave as well.  Peter basically says, "There is no where else to go.  You are the only game in town.  We know that You are the Son of God."

I'm sure that whatever God is trying to teach me is painfully obvious to some of those around me, but to me it feels like being asked to be a cannibal.  What do You really want, God?  I just don't get it.  I can't see the truth.  Is this something that will make sense later as I'm sure this message did for the apostles after the resurrection?  Or maybe this is all about just hanging on?  Whatever the case, I have one comfort.

Just like the twelve, I know He is God.  Where else will I go?  Only He has the words of eternal life.  Maybe that is enough.  This chapter also says that He knows those that the Father has given Him and that they could only come to Him if granted it from the Father.  What disturbs me is what follows.

He says that He Himself chose them, and yet one of them was a devil.  He chose one that He knew would betray Him.  It terrifies me that not all that are granted sight to know that He is God end up in His arms.

I don't have hindsight or eternal context for my present situation.  How do I know that I am not one of the vessels that will be used up then thrown away?  God would be perfectly just in making a creation to serve His other creations and then dispose of it.  There would be nothing wrong with this  He is God.  He can do whatever He wants and it is automatically good.  I guess what I am saying is that I am confronting the deepest of my fears.  How do I know that He really loves me as His son?  How do I know that is really what I am to Him?  How do I know that He isn't just tolerating me for a time?

Regardless of my fears or feelings, I have only one choice--hang on or let go.  That's not even a choice for me.  I hang on.  I wait.  I hope for something better.  I hope for all the things that just seem too good to be true about His love for me.  I hope.