It happened last week. The moment when my flesh was again unmasked and given a face. The very same moment where God spoke His grace over my weakness.
Last week was really, really hard at work. I felt as worthless as I ever have in my life. I just can't seem to catch on to the things that I need to learn to perform my job adequately. Even simple tasks that the "wire lifers" can do in less than a minute take me over an hour of tinkering before my work is inspected and I get shoved aside with a sigh and a, "what the hell are you doing?" I can't stand knowing that working the same shift with me makes someone else's life harder. I hate feeling like a burden that is forcibly being tolerated. Welcome to the perfect description of my childhood with my step-dad.
So as these feelings piled up on my soul near the end of last week, it happened. I was trying not to cry in my frustration with myself as well as how unfair the whole day felt. How does anyone, especially someone as unhandy and generally inept as me, learn how to do something so demanding. Everything really does have to be just right and copper wire is really unforgiving. It'll just break for no reason sometimes. (I know what you're thinking, "there is always a reason." No. For real. Sometimes, no matter how perfectly you do things, it still just breaks.) So instead of crying I decided to pray.
It went like this, "God, I hate this job. Why did you bring me here? Are you trying to destroy me?"
Almost immediately He began unveiling how closely my situation resembled that of the Israelites in the desert. Just weeks ago I was praising Him for delivering me from Egypt and parting the Red Sea. (Seriously, just read my last post.) Not only that, but His peace and a certain baseline of His presence have been consistent throughout. Several times He has sent unmistakable confirmation that I am exactly where I need to be. Just like the pillar of cloud. My needs and those of my family are being met well.
It's just really uncomfortable here. Sand itself is an irritant, and I'm swimming in the stuff. Yeah, I relate to that. Everywhere I turn, it's just more of the same. Rejection, judgment, failure galore. For what purpose? I don't think I've ever understood better how God's people must have felt out in the desert. I've always judged them.
What a bunch of idiots! God was right there with them, visibly no less! God had just parted the Red Sea and they didn't trust him to take care of the giants at Jericho? Man, how could you not trust God after all that?
As God brought this all together for me in an instant or two in my mind I started to feel horribly enlightened. I don't want to die in the desert. How can I go through this and still please God. It occurs to me that all He really wanted was for His people to trust Him and not their fears. I definitely have felt very much like a grasshopper in my own eyes in a land of giants, but God continues to be with me and assure me that I am exactly where He wants me.
Maybe His love is so great that deliverance from all of the lies that make up my horrible self perception is soon to be realized.
Sounds just like God to me.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The Other Side
I swear I'll never be content. I have so much to be thankful for.
God is speaking to me again in a way that I can clearly hear.
I just got hired at a promising job with great long term benefits.
I was able to resign from a job that I felt like God has wanted me to leave for months.
I have several great friends and people that love me in my life.
My son is amazing, only outdone by the mother that brought him to me.
God loves me and is telling me again and again that no matter how challenging and trying the next phase of my life might be, that He will be with me. The confirmations that I need to have peace continue to rain in on my soul.
So why the negative tone?
I have just come out of one of the nastiest storms that I have ever faced. I went almost nine months feeling like I was in complete darkness with virtually no connection to God. My last direction from Him was that He was going to bring me a job and that I wasn't even going to have to look for it. He told me to speak of it loud and proud so that He would be glorified when it came about. I did so pretty boldly for about two weeks. Then I tried to deal with the sadness and wait patiently for the next few months. Just hold on, it can't be much longer. I failed. I let go. I gave up.
I must have heard wrong. Of course it's absolute foolishness to think that God would bring me a job. Everyone knows that it's just your flesh trying to deceive you. Quit being so lazy and get off your ass and look for a job.
Still, with my despair, it's over. My neighbor heard that I was cut back on hours at work and really in a bind. He put in a good word for me where he works and really encouraged me to give it a shot. About one week later I have applied, interviewed and have been hired. I can start as soon as they get the results of my drug screen back later this week or early next week.
God comes through again. It came to me. All I had to do was obey once He pointed the way. How awesome is He?
I just can't stop feeling akin to the disciples after Jesus rebukes them in the boat. Ye of little faith? Seriously? They thought they were going to die. He was asleep on them. It sure felt like God was asleep on me for quite a while. The mistake is to forget who was sleeping. He's GOD! If He says, "Get in the boat. We are going to the other side." then we will end up on the other side. The boat could sink, we might have to swim, He might let us walk on water, I think He's been known to part bodies of water a time or two, who cares He could even make us float twenty feet in the air or simply teleport us there, but we will end up on the other side.
So despite a deep gratitude and peace, more than anything for being restored to His presence, I can't help but grieve that I let Him down. I didn't brag about His ability to do what He said nearly enough. I let fear take me and blamed Him multiple times of not even caring about me. I did everything shy of disown Him in my own weakness and inability to handle the pressure.
The more of my life I spend with God the more I realize that I will never be able to be certain of anything. Anything except His love for us. For me.
It is enough and it is worth it.
I only wish that I were strong enough to make Him proud. I want so badly to not fail in these moments of trial. I want to be the one that can stand in the face of the storm and laugh in unshakable confidence in my Lord. I'm tired of being the coward who just wants the bad feelings to go away.
For now, I stand on the other side and I leave my shame where it belongs, in His hands in the middle of the sea. Thank God for the sea of forgetfulness.
No looking back. It will only ruin the blessings ahead. Time to move on with Him.
God is speaking to me again in a way that I can clearly hear.
I just got hired at a promising job with great long term benefits.
I was able to resign from a job that I felt like God has wanted me to leave for months.
I have several great friends and people that love me in my life.
My son is amazing, only outdone by the mother that brought him to me.
God loves me and is telling me again and again that no matter how challenging and trying the next phase of my life might be, that He will be with me. The confirmations that I need to have peace continue to rain in on my soul.
So why the negative tone?
I have just come out of one of the nastiest storms that I have ever faced. I went almost nine months feeling like I was in complete darkness with virtually no connection to God. My last direction from Him was that He was going to bring me a job and that I wasn't even going to have to look for it. He told me to speak of it loud and proud so that He would be glorified when it came about. I did so pretty boldly for about two weeks. Then I tried to deal with the sadness and wait patiently for the next few months. Just hold on, it can't be much longer. I failed. I let go. I gave up.
I must have heard wrong. Of course it's absolute foolishness to think that God would bring me a job. Everyone knows that it's just your flesh trying to deceive you. Quit being so lazy and get off your ass and look for a job.
Still, with my despair, it's over. My neighbor heard that I was cut back on hours at work and really in a bind. He put in a good word for me where he works and really encouraged me to give it a shot. About one week later I have applied, interviewed and have been hired. I can start as soon as they get the results of my drug screen back later this week or early next week.
God comes through again. It came to me. All I had to do was obey once He pointed the way. How awesome is He?
I just can't stop feeling akin to the disciples after Jesus rebukes them in the boat. Ye of little faith? Seriously? They thought they were going to die. He was asleep on them. It sure felt like God was asleep on me for quite a while. The mistake is to forget who was sleeping. He's GOD! If He says, "Get in the boat. We are going to the other side." then we will end up on the other side. The boat could sink, we might have to swim, He might let us walk on water, I think He's been known to part bodies of water a time or two, who cares He could even make us float twenty feet in the air or simply teleport us there, but we will end up on the other side.
So despite a deep gratitude and peace, more than anything for being restored to His presence, I can't help but grieve that I let Him down. I didn't brag about His ability to do what He said nearly enough. I let fear take me and blamed Him multiple times of not even caring about me. I did everything shy of disown Him in my own weakness and inability to handle the pressure.
The more of my life I spend with God the more I realize that I will never be able to be certain of anything. Anything except His love for us. For me.
It is enough and it is worth it.
I only wish that I were strong enough to make Him proud. I want so badly to not fail in these moments of trial. I want to be the one that can stand in the face of the storm and laugh in unshakable confidence in my Lord. I'm tired of being the coward who just wants the bad feelings to go away.
For now, I stand on the other side and I leave my shame where it belongs, in His hands in the middle of the sea. Thank God for the sea of forgetfulness.
No looking back. It will only ruin the blessings ahead. Time to move on with Him.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Only Close Enough to be in Striking Distance
Trapped in Anger
How could you say those things to me
Worse yet, how could you mean them
Your blindness hurts me so bad
There is no way for me to understand
Every comment you fling my way
So steeped in selfishness and lies
You take the easy way out to comfort yourself
Someone convenient to blame and despise
So many things I want to confront
But you won’t stand and face me
You leave me no way to find resolve
Just this sea of rage to drown me
Every time you open your mouth
Just adds another bar to my cage
As you take the moral high ground
Your misplaced guilt to assuage
How do I defend against a phantom
How do I fight an enemy that runs away
I’m left alone, cut open and bleeding
With no one to dress the flay
My deepest wounds coming
From those that are supposed to love me
From my own blood
From this dispicable thing called my family
If this is your idea of what family is
Then you’re no kin to me
You’re nothing like me
And you’re no kin to me
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Finally the Death Blow Comes!
I had a summer job at Stanley Clark School when I was fifteen. My job consisted of some cleaning and maintenance tasks inside the buildings (usually when it was raining) and mowing, oh so much mowing. Working with a bunch of janitors was really a pretty ok gig. One of the jokes that I heard during that summer still cracks me up. It was structured as a conversation from one of the summer camp kids talking to one of us as he walked down the hall past us.
"Hey! Somebody spilled something over there."
"Really? What?"
"Their guts."
Awesome way to tell me that I need a puke kit kid. Still makes me laugh.
Just to let you know, you might need a puke kit after reading this post because I need a place to spill some guts myself. Here goes:
On a recent trip to St. Louis, a new friend prayed for me and said that he believed God was calling me to let go of my earthly identity. I immediately keyed in on the fact that I have no father. I felt God was mandating that I stop claiming the right to inability and inaction due to my lack of fathering. He stated very clearly that He is my father and that I don't have the right to the identity as an impotent failure and His presence.
I must choose.
So, I journaled, I prayed, and I accepted. Or so I thought.
Today, I asked a friend at work for some advice on how to deal with a particularly stubborn client. I made it known that my concerns were more about the buttons that I noticed were being pushed in me than about this client's oppositional defiance. At the heart of my thoughts and feelings was this core of inadequacy and a general lack of having what it takes to meet a lot of life's challenges.
Simply put, I am not good enough.
As we talked, the conversation basically progressed into me sitting on the proverbial couch while he asked me questions leading me further and further into my pain. We ended up at age eleven (ish, maybe ten, maybe twelve).
I began a friendship with a boy that lived across the alley from my backyard when I was nine shortly after my family moved to a new neighborhood. He had two older brothers. One was about a year older than me and the other was another three years older. They were awesome to hang out with when everybody was happy, or if their dad was around. Their dad talked to me more than my own step-dad and was usually open to letting me tag along to their family outings. I found a certain measure of acceptance there that I never found at home. Maybe that explains why I accepted things that I knew were wrong by lack of resistance.
My friend got the shit beat out of him on a regular basis, right in front of me. Dad would be at work M-F until three-thirty or so. Especially during the summer, this left three angry boys home alone to entertain themselves since they were not allowed to leave the house until after dad got home to make sure their chores were done. Dad's favorite measure of discipline when he finally did administer it was to take them down to the basement and use a two by four on them. Needless to say, these boys mimicked what they were shown.
Some days were worse than others. It ranged from a smack in the face or upside the head for a small annoyance to full out beating by kicking him while he was on the ground or bouncing his head off the bathroom sink. Since my friend was the youngest and smallest, he got the worst of it. I never got touched because both of his brothers knew that if they did that their dad would hear from my mom and they would have gotten it good from their dad. So I just sat there, silent.
One day, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I told the middle brother to stop what he was doing as I picked up a roller skate and cocked it back. He got right in my face, breathing like a chained hungry attack dog waiting to be released, "Oh, please do it. I will beat your little Christian boy ass so bad. Come on! Do it!" I dropped the skate and walked away crying and distraught. I heard my friend screaming from inside the house as I walked away that day. I knew that his beatings were worse when no one else was around. I tried to tell a neighboring parent. They just acknowledged that they knew it went on. I talked to their dad that night and he told me that a lot of times my friend did things to provoke his brothers. Yeah like touch their new clothes with dirty hands on accident. He totally deserved to have his head kicked for that one.
But at least I was safe. So I walked away, an ashamed coward. How many days I have looked back on this moment with regret. Why didn't I at least just get my ass beat with my friend so that he wasn't alone?
Yep, that's me, a coward. Not only am I afraid of just about everything (who isn't afraid of stuff?), but I run from my fears, constantly. I have no courage.
The lack of fear does not make a man brave, but courage (to be afraid and do it anyway because it is right) in the face of fear, now that is manly. Me, not so much. This is how I view myself. This is who I think I am. This is who God calls me to surrender. It's harder than it sounds.
As our conversation went on this morning, my friend pointed out that no eleven year old could be expected to make that choice and that I did do what I could. I recognize this as true, but the damage of not knowing this has already been done over the last twenty years.
Probably what was most helpful from our conversation was when my friend shared some experiences about fathering his son. He talked about the first time he ever watched his son play in a sand box. My friend never got to do that as a child. His child hood was really messed up. He said he got in the sand box with his son and just cried. He shared that it is possible to receive something for the first time and still be able to pass it on to a son at the same time. I think this eased my fears about all the things that I lack more than anything else.
So maybe I'm not as cowardly as I thought. Maybe I really am an eagle and not a chicken, but I've spent so many years scratching around the chicken coop that I don't have a clue how to soar on thermal updrafts. God teach me to soar. Without You I am screwed. Please call out of me something that I don't think exists and be glorified by it.
"Hey! Somebody spilled something over there."
"Really? What?"
"Their guts."
Awesome way to tell me that I need a puke kit kid. Still makes me laugh.
Just to let you know, you might need a puke kit after reading this post because I need a place to spill some guts myself. Here goes:
On a recent trip to St. Louis, a new friend prayed for me and said that he believed God was calling me to let go of my earthly identity. I immediately keyed in on the fact that I have no father. I felt God was mandating that I stop claiming the right to inability and inaction due to my lack of fathering. He stated very clearly that He is my father and that I don't have the right to the identity as an impotent failure and His presence.
I must choose.
So, I journaled, I prayed, and I accepted. Or so I thought.
Today, I asked a friend at work for some advice on how to deal with a particularly stubborn client. I made it known that my concerns were more about the buttons that I noticed were being pushed in me than about this client's oppositional defiance. At the heart of my thoughts and feelings was this core of inadequacy and a general lack of having what it takes to meet a lot of life's challenges.
Simply put, I am not good enough.
As we talked, the conversation basically progressed into me sitting on the proverbial couch while he asked me questions leading me further and further into my pain. We ended up at age eleven (ish, maybe ten, maybe twelve).
I began a friendship with a boy that lived across the alley from my backyard when I was nine shortly after my family moved to a new neighborhood. He had two older brothers. One was about a year older than me and the other was another three years older. They were awesome to hang out with when everybody was happy, or if their dad was around. Their dad talked to me more than my own step-dad and was usually open to letting me tag along to their family outings. I found a certain measure of acceptance there that I never found at home. Maybe that explains why I accepted things that I knew were wrong by lack of resistance.
My friend got the shit beat out of him on a regular basis, right in front of me. Dad would be at work M-F until three-thirty or so. Especially during the summer, this left three angry boys home alone to entertain themselves since they were not allowed to leave the house until after dad got home to make sure their chores were done. Dad's favorite measure of discipline when he finally did administer it was to take them down to the basement and use a two by four on them. Needless to say, these boys mimicked what they were shown.
Some days were worse than others. It ranged from a smack in the face or upside the head for a small annoyance to full out beating by kicking him while he was on the ground or bouncing his head off the bathroom sink. Since my friend was the youngest and smallest, he got the worst of it. I never got touched because both of his brothers knew that if they did that their dad would hear from my mom and they would have gotten it good from their dad. So I just sat there, silent.
One day, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I told the middle brother to stop what he was doing as I picked up a roller skate and cocked it back. He got right in my face, breathing like a chained hungry attack dog waiting to be released, "Oh, please do it. I will beat your little Christian boy ass so bad. Come on! Do it!" I dropped the skate and walked away crying and distraught. I heard my friend screaming from inside the house as I walked away that day. I knew that his beatings were worse when no one else was around. I tried to tell a neighboring parent. They just acknowledged that they knew it went on. I talked to their dad that night and he told me that a lot of times my friend did things to provoke his brothers. Yeah like touch their new clothes with dirty hands on accident. He totally deserved to have his head kicked for that one.
But at least I was safe. So I walked away, an ashamed coward. How many days I have looked back on this moment with regret. Why didn't I at least just get my ass beat with my friend so that he wasn't alone?
Yep, that's me, a coward. Not only am I afraid of just about everything (who isn't afraid of stuff?), but I run from my fears, constantly. I have no courage.
The lack of fear does not make a man brave, but courage (to be afraid and do it anyway because it is right) in the face of fear, now that is manly. Me, not so much. This is how I view myself. This is who I think I am. This is who God calls me to surrender. It's harder than it sounds.
As our conversation went on this morning, my friend pointed out that no eleven year old could be expected to make that choice and that I did do what I could. I recognize this as true, but the damage of not knowing this has already been done over the last twenty years.
Probably what was most helpful from our conversation was when my friend shared some experiences about fathering his son. He talked about the first time he ever watched his son play in a sand box. My friend never got to do that as a child. His child hood was really messed up. He said he got in the sand box with his son and just cried. He shared that it is possible to receive something for the first time and still be able to pass it on to a son at the same time. I think this eased my fears about all the things that I lack more than anything else.
So maybe I'm not as cowardly as I thought. Maybe I really am an eagle and not a chicken, but I've spent so many years scratching around the chicken coop that I don't have a clue how to soar on thermal updrafts. God teach me to soar. Without You I am screwed. Please call out of me something that I don't think exists and be glorified by it.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Right Between the Eyes
I started this post to follow through on a promise I gave to this cute blonde that I love with all my heart, but as I started delving it became very clear that God was using this topic to stir something in me again. It ties in perfectly in a lot of ways to my last post. It's kind of like God used my wife's questions to answer some of my questions. Anyway, here goes.
The questions all centered around the scriptures that say, "Jacob have I loved; Esau have I hated." This is found in the OT in Malachi 1:2 and in Romans 9:13 in the NT. (Also God again says that he loves/loved Jacob in Psalm 47:4.)
Context: The first section of Malachi chapter one is God calling out an unfaithful people. God says that He loves His people, but they question Him and say, "How have You loved us?" He replies, "Was not Esau Jacob's brother? Yet I have loved Jacob, but Esau I have hated, and I turned his mountains into a wasteland and left his inheritance to the desert jackals." God is referring to Jacob meaning the descendants of Jacob/Israel and all the land that was their territory. In kind, God is referring to Esau meaning all the descendants of Esau/Edom and all the land that was their territory.
God is saying, "Just look at the evidence! You have been blessed with good land while I have done everything possible to destroy the livelihood of the descendants of Esau. They share the same origins as you, yet I blessed you and cursed them! You could have it like them if I had not shown mercy to you! Wake up!"
Context: The passage in Romans is a bit stickier in terms of its theology and implications. A little bit of a brain burner if you will. It's one of those passages that many people a lot smarter than me have argued about for centuries, but I'll give it my best shot. Paul is getting a little personal in the beginning of this chapter and talking about how greatly he wishes that all the Israelites/Jews could be blessed or "get it." He is saddened that his "brothers" don't all have the same relationship with Christ and the Holy Spirit that he does. Starting at verse nine he starts sorting out the possible misunderstandings that he thinks his readers might have.
Just because not all the Jews are close to God does not mean that God's word failed. Abraham had a blood son that was not included in the promise, because he was a child of fleshly efforts not of faith. Also, Isaac had two children from the same mother, but before they were even born God told Rebekah, "the older will serve the younger." Next, again the verse from Malachi is quoted, "Jacob I have loved, but Esau I hated."
Paul's point, as best I can tell, is that God is sovereign and that, "He will have mercy on whom He will have mercy." He is talking about the inferiority of fleshly efforts and the superiority of faith.
This passage makes the point very well of God being powerful and in control in every way. The problem that most people have with this passage is also addressed by Paul in verses 19-29. Is it fair for God to destine someone to fail? How can He blame us for what we do wrong if He is for some and against others? How could we ever resist His will?
Paul's basic answer is this: Who are you man to question God? God can make some of us for glory and some of us for destruction if he wants to.
He uses the pottery analogy with God as the potter and some of us as fine china and others as "things for common use." What if God chooses some to bear wrath so that those of us that are shown mercy can benefit from what we witness and thus glorify God? Maybe God pouring out wrath on some is the very act of showing mercy to others, i.e.: God makes it so that a young man dies in a car accident and several others wake up to their need for God because of it. God allows a man to be blind all of his life just so Jesus can heal him and be glorified. If God's glory is the most important aspect of all of our lives (and it is), we must accept that His glory is the purpose behind some of the hard to swallow concepts in scripture. His glory is the larger picture that even the pain and suffering that make no sense to us fit into. Hard to take sometimes.
As for the part that nailed me the most, the original story of Jacob and Esau has given me something to chew on for over a decade now. I first started to dig into this story when I was in Master's Commission when I was twenty. The story can be found starting in Gen 25 and going all the way until Gen 35. In short Jacob and Esau were twins. Esau came out first and was thus the "first born" and deserving of the family birthright. He would be entitled to God's blessing and a larger inheritance. Welcome to the world's worst late fee, Jacob. Even his name is its own weight to carry. When he came out, he was holding onto Esau's heel, so they called him "heel grasper" or Jacob. The bad news is that Jacob also means deceiver or supplanter. That was his name.
What up thief?
How's it going liar?
His entire identity was tied up in how he was not as good as his brother and would never be good enough. He could only hope to get anything through less than noble means. So he did. He lied, cheated and stole the birthright away from his brother in a two part campaign.
When Esau came back to camp from a long hunt with no game, Jacob offered him some soup in exchange for Esau's birthright. Esau exaggerates his hunger into starving nigh unto death and gives it up just that quick. Step one complete. Esau probably thought that everything was still good because he was his father's favorite and dad would never give away his inheritance.
Next Rebekah helps Jacob and conspires with him on how to deceive Isaac into giving his blessing to Jacob. He uses a disguise to fool his dad since he is very old and has bad eyes. It works and Isaac prays his blessing onto Jacob. This was such a big deal that when Esau found out, he swore to kill Jacob once Isaac had passed away.
The Long-Awaited Point: God loves those who prioritize Him and His blessing even if the natural means that are used to make that priority are not perfect. Esau put no value on his blessing from God and sold it for a value meal. He slapped God in the face and God did not take very kindly to it. Remember how Malachi said that his inheritance was a wasteland? Jacob did everything he could to obtain God's blessing. Over the course of his life he has several encounters with God personally, something that rarely happened then. God even changes his identity to that of a "Prince with God" before it's all over.
Don't think that Jacob got off scott free either. He still suffered many bad turns over the years that followed. He was on the run for his life, lived as a traveler in the desert, once he finally hooked up with some distant relatives he gets deceived into working for fourteen years instead of seven to get the woman that he loves, and he almost gets into a battle with his uncle when he decides to head back home after all those years.
The funniest thing to me is that even after being given his new name and God reminding Jacob that He is with him, Jacob is still up to his old tricks. When he eventually meets his brother again, he makes an elaborate plan to make sure that by the time Esau gets to him he will be calm. His plan? He sends his family and servants ahead of him in packs and tells them to kiss Esau's butt basically. When Jacob finds out that Esau is not mad any longer and welcomes him back to his home Jacob says, "I can't move fast because of all the women and cattle. I'll catch up to you." After Esau leaves, Jacob goes to another area and makes his own settlement instead of going straight to his brother's place. Really? After all that you're still not being straight forward?
Anyway, what I take from this is that God's perspective is often different from ours. It is better to pursue God some way, any way that we can rather than to not pursue Him at all or to be indifferent. What this does for me is remind that even though I may suffer some uncomfortable circumstances when I do things that are not wise, if my heart is seeking after God, I will find Him and obtain His blessing.
The questions all centered around the scriptures that say, "Jacob have I loved; Esau have I hated." This is found in the OT in Malachi 1:2 and in Romans 9:13 in the NT. (Also God again says that he loves/loved Jacob in Psalm 47:4.)
Context: The first section of Malachi chapter one is God calling out an unfaithful people. God says that He loves His people, but they question Him and say, "How have You loved us?" He replies, "Was not Esau Jacob's brother? Yet I have loved Jacob, but Esau I have hated, and I turned his mountains into a wasteland and left his inheritance to the desert jackals." God is referring to Jacob meaning the descendants of Jacob/Israel and all the land that was their territory. In kind, God is referring to Esau meaning all the descendants of Esau/Edom and all the land that was their territory.
God is saying, "Just look at the evidence! You have been blessed with good land while I have done everything possible to destroy the livelihood of the descendants of Esau. They share the same origins as you, yet I blessed you and cursed them! You could have it like them if I had not shown mercy to you! Wake up!"
Context: The passage in Romans is a bit stickier in terms of its theology and implications. A little bit of a brain burner if you will. It's one of those passages that many people a lot smarter than me have argued about for centuries, but I'll give it my best shot. Paul is getting a little personal in the beginning of this chapter and talking about how greatly he wishes that all the Israelites/Jews could be blessed or "get it." He is saddened that his "brothers" don't all have the same relationship with Christ and the Holy Spirit that he does. Starting at verse nine he starts sorting out the possible misunderstandings that he thinks his readers might have.
Just because not all the Jews are close to God does not mean that God's word failed. Abraham had a blood son that was not included in the promise, because he was a child of fleshly efforts not of faith. Also, Isaac had two children from the same mother, but before they were even born God told Rebekah, "the older will serve the younger." Next, again the verse from Malachi is quoted, "Jacob I have loved, but Esau I hated."
Paul's point, as best I can tell, is that God is sovereign and that, "He will have mercy on whom He will have mercy." He is talking about the inferiority of fleshly efforts and the superiority of faith.
This passage makes the point very well of God being powerful and in control in every way. The problem that most people have with this passage is also addressed by Paul in verses 19-29. Is it fair for God to destine someone to fail? How can He blame us for what we do wrong if He is for some and against others? How could we ever resist His will?
Paul's basic answer is this: Who are you man to question God? God can make some of us for glory and some of us for destruction if he wants to.
He uses the pottery analogy with God as the potter and some of us as fine china and others as "things for common use." What if God chooses some to bear wrath so that those of us that are shown mercy can benefit from what we witness and thus glorify God? Maybe God pouring out wrath on some is the very act of showing mercy to others, i.e.: God makes it so that a young man dies in a car accident and several others wake up to their need for God because of it. God allows a man to be blind all of his life just so Jesus can heal him and be glorified. If God's glory is the most important aspect of all of our lives (and it is), we must accept that His glory is the purpose behind some of the hard to swallow concepts in scripture. His glory is the larger picture that even the pain and suffering that make no sense to us fit into. Hard to take sometimes.
As for the part that nailed me the most, the original story of Jacob and Esau has given me something to chew on for over a decade now. I first started to dig into this story when I was in Master's Commission when I was twenty. The story can be found starting in Gen 25 and going all the way until Gen 35. In short Jacob and Esau were twins. Esau came out first and was thus the "first born" and deserving of the family birthright. He would be entitled to God's blessing and a larger inheritance. Welcome to the world's worst late fee, Jacob. Even his name is its own weight to carry. When he came out, he was holding onto Esau's heel, so they called him "heel grasper" or Jacob. The bad news is that Jacob also means deceiver or supplanter. That was his name.
What up thief?
How's it going liar?
His entire identity was tied up in how he was not as good as his brother and would never be good enough. He could only hope to get anything through less than noble means. So he did. He lied, cheated and stole the birthright away from his brother in a two part campaign.
When Esau came back to camp from a long hunt with no game, Jacob offered him some soup in exchange for Esau's birthright. Esau exaggerates his hunger into starving nigh unto death and gives it up just that quick. Step one complete. Esau probably thought that everything was still good because he was his father's favorite and dad would never give away his inheritance.
Next Rebekah helps Jacob and conspires with him on how to deceive Isaac into giving his blessing to Jacob. He uses a disguise to fool his dad since he is very old and has bad eyes. It works and Isaac prays his blessing onto Jacob. This was such a big deal that when Esau found out, he swore to kill Jacob once Isaac had passed away.
The Long-Awaited Point: God loves those who prioritize Him and His blessing even if the natural means that are used to make that priority are not perfect. Esau put no value on his blessing from God and sold it for a value meal. He slapped God in the face and God did not take very kindly to it. Remember how Malachi said that his inheritance was a wasteland? Jacob did everything he could to obtain God's blessing. Over the course of his life he has several encounters with God personally, something that rarely happened then. God even changes his identity to that of a "Prince with God" before it's all over.
Don't think that Jacob got off scott free either. He still suffered many bad turns over the years that followed. He was on the run for his life, lived as a traveler in the desert, once he finally hooked up with some distant relatives he gets deceived into working for fourteen years instead of seven to get the woman that he loves, and he almost gets into a battle with his uncle when he decides to head back home after all those years.
The funniest thing to me is that even after being given his new name and God reminding Jacob that He is with him, Jacob is still up to his old tricks. When he eventually meets his brother again, he makes an elaborate plan to make sure that by the time Esau gets to him he will be calm. His plan? He sends his family and servants ahead of him in packs and tells them to kiss Esau's butt basically. When Jacob finds out that Esau is not mad any longer and welcomes him back to his home Jacob says, "I can't move fast because of all the women and cattle. I'll catch up to you." After Esau leaves, Jacob goes to another area and makes his own settlement instead of going straight to his brother's place. Really? After all that you're still not being straight forward?
Anyway, what I take from this is that God's perspective is often different from ours. It is better to pursue God some way, any way that we can rather than to not pursue Him at all or to be indifferent. What this does for me is remind that even though I may suffer some uncomfortable circumstances when I do things that are not wise, if my heart is seeking after God, I will find Him and obtain His blessing.
Monday, April 4, 2011
What I'm learning about Myself
I hate risk.
I hate it because I am afraid of it.
I hate taking a chance and being wrong.
Being wrong always bears pain and shame for me.
I am being driven so crazy by how present this thinking is in me, that I just want to do something that I know is absolutely foolish and risky.
What if the only way that I can learn to trust God in risk is to know that even when I get it wrong He's still going to get it right if I enter into that decision with a pure heart?
I once heard a mentor say that he would always err on the side of obedience. That didn't make sense to me. How could you ever err with obedience?
The problem with that question is that it assumes that it is possible to always know for sure exactly what it is that God wants us to do. Is that really possible? It never has been for me. My flesh gets in the way of hearing God way too much.
To refocus, is there any way to learn how to forgive other than to be wronged by someone and have to choose to forgive? Is there any other way to learn patience than to be driven to the point of impatience and having to choose patience anyway. Is there any way to build any muscle except to break it down and then let the body heal it?
Maybe the answer is not to constantly run from my brokenness, but to more fully accept that God is in my life, even with all my nasty mess. Maybe it isn't too good to be true. Maybe He really will pick me up no matter how many times I fall after i take off the training wheels.
That strikes a very particular parallel in my life. I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was ten. I loved riding my bike when I was five with my training wheels. It was a cool Knight Rider bike with a big black KITT shaped console on top of the handle bars. It wasn't long before I realized that I was one of the oldest kids with training wheels. I told my mom that I wanted to learn how to ride without them. She tried to hold the seat and give a push, but I was just too scared. I'm sure the absence of a strong male figure didn't help. I tried a few more times over the next couple years, but I would always give up too easy. Man did I feel like a dork riding a scooter when all my friends would be cruising on their bikes. Eventually I just picked up a friend's bike that they had laid aside and just started doing it. Maybe God gave me grace and just made me learn so that I wouldn't miss out on all the cool adventures to be had over the next few years.
The principle of risk in itself is a bike for me. I've tried it a few times and almost always fallen off. I tried to take off the training wheels with little success and resigned myself to just not being able to do what everybody else seems to do so easily. What I am coming to realize is that a whole new world is waiting for me on the other side of the this principle. I must master it and it simply won't happen without just doing it.
For the first time in awhile, my heart is stirring and it's time to start following my heart again.
I have a Father now, and I need to trust that He won't let me end in shame as I pursue Him.
I hate it because I am afraid of it.
I hate taking a chance and being wrong.
Being wrong always bears pain and shame for me.
I am being driven so crazy by how present this thinking is in me, that I just want to do something that I know is absolutely foolish and risky.
What if the only way that I can learn to trust God in risk is to know that even when I get it wrong He's still going to get it right if I enter into that decision with a pure heart?
I once heard a mentor say that he would always err on the side of obedience. That didn't make sense to me. How could you ever err with obedience?
The problem with that question is that it assumes that it is possible to always know for sure exactly what it is that God wants us to do. Is that really possible? It never has been for me. My flesh gets in the way of hearing God way too much.
To refocus, is there any way to learn how to forgive other than to be wronged by someone and have to choose to forgive? Is there any other way to learn patience than to be driven to the point of impatience and having to choose patience anyway. Is there any way to build any muscle except to break it down and then let the body heal it?
Maybe the answer is not to constantly run from my brokenness, but to more fully accept that God is in my life, even with all my nasty mess. Maybe it isn't too good to be true. Maybe He really will pick me up no matter how many times I fall after i take off the training wheels.
That strikes a very particular parallel in my life. I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was ten. I loved riding my bike when I was five with my training wheels. It was a cool Knight Rider bike with a big black KITT shaped console on top of the handle bars. It wasn't long before I realized that I was one of the oldest kids with training wheels. I told my mom that I wanted to learn how to ride without them. She tried to hold the seat and give a push, but I was just too scared. I'm sure the absence of a strong male figure didn't help. I tried a few more times over the next couple years, but I would always give up too easy. Man did I feel like a dork riding a scooter when all my friends would be cruising on their bikes. Eventually I just picked up a friend's bike that they had laid aside and just started doing it. Maybe God gave me grace and just made me learn so that I wouldn't miss out on all the cool adventures to be had over the next few years.
The principle of risk in itself is a bike for me. I've tried it a few times and almost always fallen off. I tried to take off the training wheels with little success and resigned myself to just not being able to do what everybody else seems to do so easily. What I am coming to realize is that a whole new world is waiting for me on the other side of the this principle. I must master it and it simply won't happen without just doing it.
For the first time in awhile, my heart is stirring and it's time to start following my heart again.
I have a Father now, and I need to trust that He won't let me end in shame as I pursue Him.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Cave
These lyrics speak to me even more as I read them than when I listen to the song. They speak to a lot of the feeling that I have on a daily basis. I hope they can encourage you the way that they do for me.
Lyrics to The Cave by Mumford and Sons:
Lyrics to The Cave by Mumford and Sons:
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
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